The Aftermath:

So he breaks up with you. You go through the process of trying to pick up all your broken pieces. You cry, you get ridiculously mad, you feel indifferent. You get almost 2 months in and you think, maybe I'm good? Maybe I'm ok?

And then you start thinking about all the things he said and all the things you said and about how stupid you both were to think you would ever get back together. Or that you'd ever be friends. And it makes you wonder if he knew this was the real end and you were the only one living in the delusion that "maybe a break is all you both need."

Here's the reality: he doesn't try to contact you. It means he doesn't want to talk to you. It means you're not getting back together. It means it's time to really move on. It's time to stop wishing he was the one you were with on every date you go on. Time to stop comparing every hug to his hug (they will never measure up).

And don't take it personally. For your own sake, assume he misses you, even if he doesn't try to talk to you. Assume that what you had meant something, even if sometimes it feels like it doesn't. Assume you really were his best friend. Assume it wasn't because you weren't good enough, but because you weren't the best for each other. Assume he loved you as much as he said he did.

Letting go is awfully difficult. And I'm done trying to force it. I guess it's just something that has to happen in its own time. I have to remember that God has a plan much bigger than my own. I've just got to roll with it.

One Day at a Time:

I have to remind myself that I can only live one day at a time. I can only be in this moment. I cannot live in the future, so why worry so much about it? I find it amusing how many things I think I can't do or can't get through and then, suddenly, I did them or got through them!

Friday I had a mini panic attack of sorts when I thought about all the commitments I had made to various friends that upcoming weekend. I started freaking out! And then I realized, I don't have to do anything I don't want to do. And its not my job to make sure everyone else is happy (there's a shocker!). So I looked at the plans I had made and decided what I really wanted to do and then said no to the things I didn't want to do. Pretty soon after I did that, I started feeling much more peaceful and the feeling of panic went away.

Moral of the story, I'm responsible for my happiness. No one else is.

Time for a rant:

A close friend of mine and her boyfriend just broke up and it was all very similar to my own break up and it just makes me so mad! What is so bad about letting someone in that they would rather break someone elses heart than talk about things or deal with things? She and I were in for the long haul. Willing to work on things. But no. You can't make a relationship work if the other half doesn't want to.

Seriously. Seriously? I have had it up to here *raises hand above head* with people using the excuse of "needing some time to work on stuff" and then not working on their own issues! Like, excuse me for caring??? Sorry I LOVE YOU???????


Anyways, I finally finished my exit interview with my school and now I'm cleared to take the national registry test and get certified! I'm still trying to figure out if I want to stay in California or head out to Utah or Arizona. But first things first, pass the NR.

Work has picked up quite a bit. I'm absolutely swamped with petsitting, nannying and caregiving. Word of mouth is the best reference and people seem to like me and they're telling their friends. Now the friends are calling! All this busyness has slowed the training process down for the Color Run 5k and the sprint triathlon, but I'm still making progress. It's nice having a fitness goal and fitness buddies to make workouts more fun!

One of my best friends and I got our customary birthday tattoos. She got "courage" in one of the LOTR languages on her lip and I got "yasher koach" which is hebrew for "may your strength be firm". It reminds me that I'm stronger thah I think, mentally, physically and emotionally. No matter what happens, no matter who breaks up with me, who dates me, no matter what job I'm working, I will be ok. Because I am strong enough.

Today has been fantastically productive. I went to training, had my exit interview, ran some errands. Now the rest of the day is mine to do with as I please! I think I'll do damage control for my friends break up, if she wants to. Its time for Ben, Jerry, crying, fatty foods, friends and the book "its called a break up because its broken". Now that book is a lifesaver.