Finally:

It's funny how God works sometimes. I mean, I know that I try to push Him out of control and take the reins and I also know that it never works out well when I do that.

So last night, I finally, really relinquished control of my career dilema to Him. I prayed about it, wrote about it and went to bed. I wake up this morning, go about my normal routine and then check my email. I had an email (finally) from the assistant to the director of the Fire Academy and she said she'd recommend crashing the full fire classes, then she gave me a list of classes that would be benefitial for the academy. She also offered to meet with me and discuss some of the different options and programs Palomar offers. Woo!!! Finally, some direction!

This is just another example of why I really should "let go and let God" sooner rather than later.

Now it's off to shower, meet with the assistant, work and then study for the National Registry test.

Insert Clever Title [Here]:

So many questions, so little time.

My plan for the past few weeks has been this:
1) Get in shape for Fall '10 fire academy
2) Pay off debt using Pell Grant to make living expenses less expensive
3) Crash 3 fire classes Spring '10 and 2 fire classes Summer '10 in preparation for fire academy
4) Continue working as a nanny/caregiver and volunteer a few days a week if possible at a fire station
5) Complete fire academy, get hired in SD County.
6) Go to Palomar's Paramedic program
7) Complete paramedic program, work as a FF Paramedic

Now, after having spoken to a few people and having lost the Pell Grant, I don't know what to do! I'm hearing "Fire Academy first, then medic program" in one ear and in the other I'm hearing "Medic program first, then Fire Academy" and I have no idea what is best!!!! I've put in some emails to the Fire Academy instructors, but only one has emailed me back and he was less than helpful. I suppose I'm going to have to start stalking the FF Paramedics in SD County now. Maybe someone will help me out and give me some advice.

Maybe the problem is that my plan is exactly that: MY plan. I really haven't prayed about this at all. This occurred to me last night while I was trying to go to bed. So, I prayed last night for some direction. I feel like that's one step towards where I need to be.

On another note, while googling "How to become a firefighter" (because I'm not joking about having questions that need answers!), I stumbled upon a blog by a woman named Athena who is 30 years old, has 4 kids and is currently training to become a firefighter! She has been documenting her journey through blogs and some vlogs and it's been the most helpful and inspiring thing I've found yet! I sent her a message on facebook (her blog had a link) and I added her. After reading some of her blogs last night, I was feeling really inspired and I couldn't sleep, I was so jazzed. She has posted some of her workouts, too, which I'd like to try to do.

I'm no where near where I need to be physically, but I'm working on it. I went through a modified circuit of what Jake took me through on Wednesday last week. It was moderately difficult, but I know I need to push myself harder. I did 5 sets of: 10 push-ups, 6 "Jump Squats", 30 crunches (or 10 seconds of scissor kicks), 30 seconds of jumping jacks (or pretend jumping rope) and then I went on a 15 minute walk and did 10 lunges on each leg, followed by a reverse push-up chaser (10). Like I said, I know I can push myself harder, but I'm pleased at what I got done today. Now, all I need to do is focus on what I eat.

My National Registry test is on Thursday. I'm planning on studying whenever I'm not working, sleeping or exercising. Haha, I could probably even stidy while I work-out, but one of the trainers told me when I work out, I need to be focused on working out, not on other things. So, we'll see how long it takes me to turn working out into a release instead of something I have to do. :-)

I'm Feeling Good:

Last night, there was a mixup at the gym and my regular trainer (Jered) wasn't there. So the kid (Jake. Well, he's 21, so maybe he's not a kid and I'm just sensitive to age differences) who signed me up intially worked me out.

He got super excited as we were setting up the raquetball room for circuit training and that's when I began to get worried. He kept going "Yaaaaay!" and then he broke out the jump rope and the upside-down Bose ball. In short, best workout ever!!!! That was probably the hardest 15 minutes of my life, but it's exactly what I need to get in shape for the academy. It's too bad Jake doesn't normally do training, because I'd probably switch trainers in a heartbeat if he did.

Something amazing happened after my workout. I let go of some things I'd been holding on to. I feel like this heavy, crushing feeling is gone. I'm light as a feather and happy, too!

My dad is full of what I like to call One Liner Jewels of Wisdom. Some are original, some are not. One of them is Attitude determines altitude. So, by choosing to be happy, I become happy.

Now, I get to go to Guajome with Christy and run through a small circuit of my own creation. :-)

2010

What are we calling this year? Twenty-ten? Two thousand and ten?


With the start of this new year, I think I would like to change the name of this current blog. "It's reality" just isn't doing it for me anymore. So, I'll get even more original and cal it "Honestly".
2010 is going to be different. One of my words for the year is going to be "Honesty". Enough of living beyond my means, enough of talking myself into relationships I know aren't good for me, enough of pretending I am always ok. It's time to get honest.

Honestly, I am scared to death of finding a new job. I am scared to death of the fire academy and the paramedic program. I don't know if I am brave enough or good enough to be an EMT or a fire fighter or a paramedic.

Honestly, I feel like I'll never be physically fit. I know it doesn't happen over night, but for goodness sakes! It's been 22 years!!

Honestly, I've been single for so long, I don't even know how to be in a romantic relationship! And if I get into the academy and/or the medic program, I'm not going to have any time to learn how to be in one.

Honestly, I've wandered so far from God, I don't know how to find my way back.

Honestly, I don't know how to handle my own money successfully.

Honestly, I bought a guitar and don't think I am dedicated enough to learn to play it!

Honestly, I don't feel like I "belong" anywhere. I'm just here. I just exist. The need to belong is paralyzing.

Well, that was a very honest look at my life. I think it's time to start back at the basics. For me, it begins and ends with God. I'm going to have to go way back to the first real comfort I found in God in my adult life.

John 14:27 - Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.

 I'm done living my life based on fear and inadequacy. It didn't help me much in 2009 (or the rest of my life, for that matter) so it has no place in 2010.

And that's the honest truth.


Bahahahaha! I couldn't resist! I've always wanted a signature sign-off.

Delayed Gratification:

I realized something last night while laying in bed. I really don't do well with delayed gratification. Everytime I want something, I go out and get it. Doesn't matter if it's big or little, I do it on an impulse.

That got me thinking... Maybe I need to work on curbing my instant gratification addiction and move on to delayed gratification. You know, wait a day or two instead of acting immediately.

Just a thought I had. :-)  Now I'm off to take a bike ride with my brother.

Tabu:

I was looking through Alice's perfumes while waiting to help her get ready for bed and I came across an old bottle of Tabu. I opened it and inhaled deeply. I closed my eyes and the first image that came to my mind was my grandmother. I'm pretty sure Tabu was the only perfume she ever really wore. It's the smell that makes me think of her. As I was smelling the perfume, I began to intensely miss my grandma. I had last felt this way a few weeks ago (the weekend directly following Thanksgiving, actually).

The funny thing is, I don't think I really thought about what her dying meant until the past few months. I'm not sure how long it's been since her passing, but it's only now that I grieve for her. Maybe it's my sudden interest in the medical field or perhaps I'm now able to handle the grief that I couldn't deal with then, but I find myself thinking about how different things would be if she were still alive.

What's that theory where a butterfly flaps its wings and on the other side of the world, a tsunami hits the coast? The Chaos Theory, I believe? Well anyways, if my grandma were still alive and well (she wasn't well towards the end), my grandfather would never have spent so much time in Africa, we probably wouldn't have sold our ranches, and, honestly, I doubt I would have gone the route I did with school.

All things happen for a reason and all things have a rippling affect. It's a blessing and a curse that we don't know the "what ifs" of our lives.

I'd like to end this blog with an open letter to my grandma:

Dear Grandma,

I'm sorry I didn't visit you after you had your stroke. Every time I think about you, I think about how I missed out on months of visiting with you. Honestly, I believe I was scared to see you like that and I didn't know how to act.
I'm sorry I didn't go to your wake. My recent career choice is odd, considering the reason I didn't go is because I'd never seen a dead person before.
I'm sorry I didn't truly appreciate you when you were alive and I'm sorry I didn't spend more time with you, learning more about your life and our history.
I miss talking with you and hearing what you think about things.
I miss making you laugh and making you proud. I miss laying on your bed and watching Oprah or all those baby shows.
I miss floating with you in the pool and I even miss you telling us where your EpiPens are for the umpteenth time, should you get stung by a bee.
I wish we had had a chance to talk about all the "medical" stuff you loved (and now I love it, too).  Hardly anyone in the family can stomach it. :-)
I wish we could've talked about God and I wish I could hear your theories and beliefs.
I wish I could hear about all the Divine Appointments you've had over the years.
I wish you could see how different and grown up everyone is and how the family has grown with Shireen and Esteban's marriage.
I think of you whenever I see a hummingbird or whenever I hear wind chimes. I even think of you when I shop at Stater Bros. I will always remember how you loved the "grove stand" Tropicana OJ (Lots of pulp!)

I hope you know how much I love you and I hope you're having a grand ol' time in Heaven. 

Love,
Sarah

Some Thoughts and Observations:

First of all, one of my November Resolutions has basically fallen through the cracks. Chemistry is really not my thing, not my niche. There is no grooving when it comes to chemistry. It dawned on me a couple weeks ago that school is almost over. I have a whopping 59% in my chemistry lecture class and just over 2 weeks to pull it up. I had deemed it impossible. My mom, however, wanted me to talk to my teacher and see if there was anything I could do. As it turns out, if I can pass the final, my teacher will pass me. Her exact words were "if you can prove to me that even though you didn't know this stuff earlier, but you know it now, that's all I need." So, I now have around 12 days to study my butt off for the chemistry final.

This brings me to my second point in this-here blog: I am a mere 3 weeks from becoming a nationally certified EMT and it's FREAKING ME OUT! Not only is there a ton of stuff left to be done, but that's a huge life change. I went on my official Palomar ride along and I was overwhelmed by the mere process of patient assessment and documentation. The way these EMTs moved was like they were connected at the brain. They anticipated the others next movement, always staying a step ahead. Why does this scare me, you ask? I was asked to lift the head of the gurney into a sitting position and it took me a good 30 seconds to figure it out. Needless to say, they didn't ask me to do too much more after that. One of the guys quized me on a bunch of respiratory diseases and it only pointed out how very little I know.

I was thinking about medic school last night. It's going to be a huge commitment. I asked my instructor how many units it is and he said somewhere between 36 and 40 units.That's an incredible amount! And unit fees are about to go up to around $30/unit. That's about $1000 for the medic class and we have to buy a TON of stuff (equipment, uniforms, books). And I probably won't be able to work much during the semester, so things will be tight.

But, first things first: Pass EME 106/L, pass chemistry.

Now on to some observations. I noticed Friday morning that I've slipped back into praying only when I need or want something for God. Even as I'm uttering a "Lord please get me through this" I feel bad. God isn't there for me to use when I want to and then forget about. That's not the way a healthy relationship works. If I could think about God as being just the big guy in the sky, it'd be very easy to use God as a pay-as-you-go service. But God is more to me than that. Why is it so easy to fall back into old habits?

Ok, enough blogging. It's time for me to get moving. Chem homework, EMT notecards and notesheets, laundry and cleaning my room, full patient assessments on Andrea, Aaron and my mom. Busy day. :-)