It's been almost 4 months. Time for an update!!!

Well my goodness a lot has happened since my last blog post!

 I graduated from paramedic school June 6th. Quite an accomplishment! I honestly did not think I would make it through the program. I felt so depressed and lonely and "dull", for lack of a better word. I was barely feeling any emotion. Sad felt like a dull ache, anger felt like a dull burn, happiness felt dull (notice a theme?). I started going to a therapist in April or May to deal with the depression I seemed to be in. She had some good suggestions and working with her was helping, though I still felt so incredibly lackluster.

I made it through the rest of the clinical setting and into my internship. I loved my preceptor and she encouraged me in every way. She is probably the biggest reason I not only passed paramedic school, but also feel prepared to do the job. I'm confident in my skills and though I don't know everything (I will never know everything), I am confident that I can make the correct decisions. My internship was difficult still. I've never been good at making mistakes and admitting I'm wrong. I learned how to be wrong, how to be humble, how to take advice and how to stand my ground when I believe my way is the best way (though I know there is more than one way to skin a cat). I also struggled with balancing my internship with the rest of my life. My emotions were all over the place. Sometimes, I could reason with myself, talk myself down. Other times, I couldn't.

At some point during paramedic school, my boyfriend and I started drifting. Or maybe I pushed him away? Who knows. Either way, the end result was that the day after I finished my internship, we broke up. I have to say, as much as it hurt, I was glad he waited until after I had finished school (though it would have been nice to have had him at my graduation. He was more supportive during the whole process than the significant others of some of my classmates).

Going through that was an entirely new thing for me. He was my first boyfriend and the first man I loved. Thank God for twice a week therapy sessions!! I did some intensive introspection and focused hard on the pain. But an interesting thing happened a couple of days after we broke up. I started feeling things again. And I mean really feeling them. Sadness felt like a stab in my chest and a ball in my throat. Anger felt red hot. Happiness felt light and free. My therapist feels that I was experiencing "Emotional Insulation", a defense mechanism,described below:

"Withdrawal into passivity to avoid disappointment or hurt is the main component of emotional insulation. For example, someone who really wants to ask someone out for a date but doesn’t do so to avoid the prospect of rejection. Emotional insulation can prevent one from fulfilling many goals because the individual may avoid taking risks for fear of rejection or disappointment"

That emotional insulation lifted very shortly after school ended. As legitimately cheesy as it sounds, colors were brighter, food tasted better, music sounded louder. Unfortunately and fortunately at the same time, this meant I really felt that break up. However, I think it was the really feeling it that allowed me to deal with it and grow from it. Granted it hasn't even been 3 weeks yet, but I've changed so much between then and now!

I moved out of my aunt and uncles studio apartment and into my moms living room. It works out nicely. I'm not alone as much, her house is very bright with natural light and I'm close to the gym and hiking trails.

Since school has finished, I've gotten back into going to the gym. I have a sprint triathlon coming up in October that I've been training for, as well as a 5k in November. I'm really looking forward to both of them. I was recently hired to be a part-time caregiver for a quadriplegic. This will help me save some money to get all my testing and certifications done. Once I get all certified, I have to decide where I want to work. It's an interesting feeling of freedom when there is nothing keeping you in any one place. Of course I would miss my friends and family if I moved, but there are so many opportunities out there! I'm looking into paramedic jobs in Utah and Arizona at the moment, as well as jobs in the different counties in California. The world is my oyster! I can go anywhere, do anything!

So now, the plan is to work a little, save a little, study some more and get all my certifications. After I get all certified, I can start looking a little more seriously into where I want to work. In the meantime, I'm going to continue to "do me" as they say. Spend time with friends, work out, read, take naps, try new things, make new friends.

Oh, the possibilities!

Below are a few pictures taken before, during and after graduation.  :-)

June 4th, 2012

My preceptor spraying me with shaving cream. Looks like I passed!

The ladies of Class 39

Lauren and I

My mom and I

My preceptor and I

Palomar College Paramedic Program Class 39!!!

Relaxing in the pool after the longest 10 months EVER

Leaving for the class party at Hennessy's in Carlsbad

A big thank you goes out to:

• My Grandma, Aunt Holly and Uncle Jean. Without you guys, it would never have worked out for me to go through this program.
• My mom for letting me live with her and for being a constant shoulder to cry on (and for bringing me care packages when I was down).
• My dad for being an emergency funder.
• My family and friends for understanding the hardships and being patient with me as I continually flaked on any plans we made.
• Justin for being there when it mattered. We had some good times.
• Shane and Sarah for quizzing me on EKG strips :-)
• Grace for hiking weekly and helping me keep my sanity.
• Lara and Deanna for listening to all of my crazy ramblings.
• Mandy for being my "text-at-any-time-you-need-me" friend.
• Lauren for being my best friend for life.
• Peggy for sending me encouraging notes throughout the journey of school.
• Freddy for telling me I could do it, even when I thought I couldn't.
• My classmates for being supportive of one another.

There are a bunch of people I need to thank and I know I have forgotten people. I'm sorry if I forgot you!! So many people helped me finish this program. I can never thank you enough.

Well, now that this blog is written, it's time for me to get ready to hike!

Just a heads up, I'm going to be ALLLL over the place on this blog... I guarantee no organization whatsoever.

For the past several weeks, I've been crying daily. This overwhelming sadness sits right in my throat, my eyes well up and I can't hold it in. I've been debating whether or not I want to continue in school. I've wanted to quit so many times and I've come very close a couple of times. There are thoughts of being inadequate and that failure is imminent. Thoughts about how I'm losing friends during this time and I miss my boyfriend. Thoughts of the family events I haven't been able to go to and the ones I will miss if I finish this out.

I had been resisting asking for God's help. As a strong woman, I shouldn't have to ask for help. right? Well, I couldn't handle the sadness and the feeling of drowning in my own life anymore, so I reached out.

My mom and grandpa have been praying with me and it's been helping, but I still feel this anxiety and sadness sometimes.

I'm having one of those mornings today. I have a research paper topic/outline to turn in and studying for oral boards. And no matter how hard I try, I can't seem to get rid of this feeling that I'm in the eye of the storm. Sure, it's quiet now, but sh*t's gonna go down. I can feel it. And I want so badly to bail out.

I used to think I didn't want anything more than I have wanted to do this "paramedic thing". But now I'm questioning that because it feels like I want out of it more than I want in. And I'm so worried I'll be letting people down and people will be disappointed in me. But honestly, I don't know if I can do this. Everyone (and I mean everyone) has told me that they believe in me. It seems I'm the only one who doesn't believe in myself.

I'm so tired of trying. I'm so tired of faking it. I miss my friends, I miss my boyfriend, I miss my family. I miss having my own place and having a job. I'm tired of being challenged and fighting uphill battles. I'm tired of feeling stupid and like I'm not getting it.

My schedule for my internship sucks. It blocks out the whole weekend. I'm upset because this is the time I have with my family and boyfriend and friends and now it's gone. Apparently, I'm the only one who thinks this is a problem (which also hurts my feelings). I don't want to have less time with everyone even if it is only for 3 months.

It sucks only seeing your boyfriend once a week. It sucks worse when you go from seeing him once a week for 12 hours to once a week for 4. It sucks even worse when you feel like he's ok with that.

I don't know. I'm an absolute mess right now. My motivation is gone, my drive and determination are gone.

After talking with my mom, grandpa and boyfriend, the plan is to do my best until Oral Boards and see what happens. If I fail, I fail and that's it. If I pass, I'll finish clinicals and give internship a try. Honestly, I'm so scared to go into my internship. I'm so, so, so worried my friends will leave me and my boyfriend will decide that this is too much work and he'll leave, too. My family is stuck with me, so at least I've go that going for me. Maybe I don't have enough faith in my relationships... I don't know...

All I know is that this has been the most difficult thing I've ever had to do. I'm afraid of failing and I'm afraid of losing all the people I love because of this. Irrational? Probably. Does it matter to me right now if it's irrational or not? Nope.

Time to get back to studying, I suppose. Back to trying my best. Though, it seems that my best just isn't what it used to be. On a side note, if I hear another person tell me to suck it up and just do it and get through it. I will FLIP OUT. It's not about "just doing it" and if you think that's what it's about, you're dead wrong.

Because I have a minute:

Henry David Thoreau said "an early morning walk is a blessing for the whole day." So true! Too bad it has been so cold lately! An early morning walk is just not going to happen when it's 33 degrees outside.

I'm sitting in my car in the school parking lot a full 90 minutes early and I decided to write a little something-something on the ol' blog. In reality, I'm just procrastinating doing a PHTLS assignment.

I'm glad it's Wednesday. That means we're on the downward slope to the weekend (and thank God). I want to sleep in and spend time with my boyfriend. That's all I want this weekend.

Monday totally sucked. We ran sims and I didn't do as well as I would've liked. It would have helped greatly if I had been able to run some practice sims with my group, but I was uninvited due to too many people going already. It's whatever. Next sim I will definitely insist on being included in group practice. I'm tired of feeling like a floundering fool during these graded sims.

Tuesday was a good day. I got a lot done and got to see the kids I used to nanny for. They're so big! And smart! I got to hang out with my mom, too. I'm really lucky to have her for a mom.

I came to the conclusion yesterday that things change (I know what you're thinking... "wow, Sarah, you just now figured that out?") And people change, for better or for worse, too. It's a bummer when you realize people are something you didn't think they were.

Alright, time for PHTLS homework.

Clarification:

I need to get some stuff off my chest. It might be scattered and unorganized and I might rant a little bit, so consider yourself warned.

In the beginning of this whole process, I made a post that basically said "don't expect to see or hear from me". Does anyone remember that?

Well, I remember it. And I've been living it. I see my local friends maybe once or twice a month. There are people who make an effort and will work with my schedule to come and see me, so I see them more often. It doesn't mean I care less about the people I don't see as often. I hope everyone remembers that.

Not only is it difficult to see friends and family often, sometimes it's even difficult to talk to or text them. Don't take it personally!! I can name a handful of people who I haven't really talked to since this whole paramedic thing started. These are people I love and care about, but it hasn't worked out for us to talk or get together.

It sucks for me, probably more than it sucks for you. And it makes me mad that I feel like I have to explain myself to people or justify why I see some people more than others. I am under a ton of pressure and I don't need any more. Please, please, please, just bear with me. There are some relationships too important to lose over something like school.

And you know what, we all have our own lives going on. We all have work, school, relationships to deal with and I don't expect people to drop what they're doing and come see me when I have free time. I hope no one expects that of me. And I'm sorry if I seem disinterested in things outside of school. And I'm sorry I want to see my boyfriend and that I make more of an effort to see him.

I hope this post is met with understanding and that it lets you in on what's going on in my head. Most of my friends have my email address, so if you want to talk to me, email me! The pen pal situation is much easier than talking on the phone, texting or getting together. It gives everyone a chance to respond at their own convenience and then the responses can be lengthy.

Hang in there, friends. I'm almost done with didactic and then there's just clinical and field internship. Just stay with me for a few more months and then I'll be back.

Also, the Facebook is coming back for winter break. I hope to be able to reconnect with everyone then.

If I Wanted Your Advice...

...I'd ask for it.

I know people are merely trying to be helpful, but I swear to the Lord up above that the next person who talks to me about how I need to spend more time working out will see me flip out like never before.

Apparently, no one gets it. Paramedic school is tough. It's time consuming. It takes an incredible amount of energy.

Here's a pretty good idea of what a day looks like:

I'm up between 5:30 and 6 am. Classes start at 8 or 8:30 depending on the day. Most of the class, myself included, meets at the school around 7 or 7:30 to study. We have at least one test every morning (usually we have 2, but we've had up to 4 in one morning). After the test(s), we either participate in a lecture or we have a skills lab, it all depends on the day. We're in class until whenever the instructors say we're done. Sometimes it's as early as 4:30 or as late as 7. We generally get out between 5 and 6. Then, we go home and study for several hours for the next days tests. I then make my lunch, then go to bed so that I can do it all over again the next day. This happens 5 days a week. Now, on top of that, we have to complete a certain number of ride a longs. So our Saturdays and/or Sundays now are filled with an 8-12 hour ride. So far, all of my rides have been down in south county (National City, Chula Vista, Imperial Beach, Spring Valley... that area). So, on Saturdays I have rides, I wake up around 5am, leave the house around 6am and start my ride a long at 7:30am. They generally end between 5:30 and 7:30, then I drive home.

I try to fit working out in when I can. Honestly, I am so tired after having been studying or learning for 15 hours, that all I want to do is prepare my crap for the next day and then go to bed. I do not want to hit the gym for a 30 minute cardio sesh or go lift for an hour. DO NOT LECTURE ME ON WORKING OUT. Spend a few weeks in my shoes and then I'll lecture you about working out and we'll see how it feels. Don't tell me you've been there before. Don't tell me I just need to "push through". Don't tell me "this too shall pass," either. I've got 7 more months of this and I am doing all I can to stay sane and it's just barely working. There is no light at the end of the tunnel yet. So let me do what I need to do to get through this.\

"Working out helps relieve stress, though."

So does drinking into oblivion, getting high, having sex and beating the crap out of people. The only way for me to constructively relieve stress is to be sure that I'm well prepared enough for the next day.

I have friends and family I don't see, I have laundry and cleaning that don't get done. My car doesn't get washed or cleaned out. I live on caffeine. Sometimes, the only way I stay awake in class is by munching on snacks (carrots, popcorn, chips, gobstoppers, tic tacs, m&ms... anything small and easy to eat).

If I wanted your advice, I'd ask for it.

Picking up the pieces:

Well, the front end of my car is dented and the hood is bent. the brakes are worse than before, too. I dropped it off at the shop today and my insurance company called and told me I'm entitled to a rental car for up to 30 days, so I took them up on that. It's fun driving a nice car, haha. It has keyless entry, working A/C, a CD player, a working radio, volume controls on the steering wheel... It's the bright side in the current situation.

Unfortunately, my brother can't drive the rental car because he's not 21 yet (darn! 5 months shy!), so we're working on getting his car up and running.

Sigh. What a way to spend my only day off!!!!

Long story short:

They found my car. The front right light is smashed and my hood doesn't close all the way (an unfortunate consequence of the thieves ramming into another car) and they took everything that was inside (really? You stole my hot-pink notecard holder that had medic school notecards? And you took my gym bag and only pair of running shoes??) But the car runs the same and no windows are smashed up like in the other car they stole tonight (in which they completely and purposefully trashed).

Big thanks to the apartment complex manager who reported the suspicious activity that was going on behind his complex. Also a huge thanks to the Vista Sheriff's Department. Within 4 hours of being called, they had my car back in my possession. The deputy even came and picked me up (at 1am) and took me to where they found my car, saving me the cost of a cab or thd fees associated with the car being towed and stored. Thanks, guys!!

Now, I realllly need to get to bed. 0530 will come far too soon...