When The Fog Lifts

It's an amazingly free feeling when a funky mood lifts. The past few weeks have been so great! And not because any situations have changed, but because my attitude has.

I've been spending a lot of time thinking lately. Really examining my choices, actions and motivations. I've also been thinking quite a bit about the people that have come into my life and left or come into my life and stayed. I'm grateful for every single person. Without those experiences with those people, I wouldn't be who I am today.

Passive aggression is something I've always struggled with and I'm learning to let go of my anger and the hurt I have allowed others to cause me. It's enlightening!

That being said, I still think about, care for and miss a few of those people that have come into my life and left. But dealing with those thoughts and the missing them is helping me to grow even further. One person in particular is dealing with family stuff right now, and that's exactly where they need to be. (If you're reading this, you know who you are and I'm so proud of you for doing what you're doing... I still miss you though!)

I've been dragging my feet long enough about the medic stuff. I might be terrified to mess up, but it's time to face the fear and conquer it. I simply can't deny the calling on my life or the love I have for EMS.

Slowly but surely, I'm getting there... One step at a time. Next step, AMR and Rural Metro. :) I just keep reminding myself that life is NOT about the destination and I'm learning to find joy and appreciation in the journey.

The Final Straw:

I find myself becoming frustrated with my progress (or lack thereof) fitness wise. It really bums me out that in the last 2 months, I've only lost 5 pounds. Luckily, I'm dropping inches and body fat and my strength and endurance have increased dramatically. If it weren't for those results, I would be very, very disappointed. Probably disappointed enough to *gulp* give up.

I mentioned my "concerns" to the GM of my gym and he basically flat out told me that even though my act is together as far as working out goes, I need to be doing better as far as what I'm eating. Then, my trainer (who now has a new job and is no longer my trainer) said the same thing after he measured me this last week and not much had changed, despite me working my butt off.

So this is the final straw. I need to revamp my diet. Make better decisions, eat better foods. I'm wasting my time at the gym if I don't take control of my diet.

I feel like things are finally falling into place. I have taken control of my finances (amazingly freeing feeling, by the way), I am making progress in getting a job as an EMT (got my county card Thursday, I go next week for my ambulance drivers license and then I can apply my heart out), I am enjoying the working out and going to the gym and the interactions that have been going on (so, so amusing), school is going well, work is work. Why not take responsibility and regain control of my diet?

I was reading a magazine earlier today that was saying that a Mediterranean diet is one of the healthiest, most filling diets out there. My goal this weekend is to put together some Mediterranean inspired meals and snacks. Perhaps Sunday I can hit the grocery store and get all the ingredients I need, then maybe cook some food for the week.

*Side note: Erik Hassle's album "Hassle" is fantastic. This dude is from Sweden, we share the same birthday (Woo!) and, so far, his album is practically flawless. "Don't Bring Flowers After I'm Dead" and "Hurtful" have been playing on repeat all day. :-)

Ok, back to the matter at hand. Mediterranean foods. The staples of the Mediterranean diet include fresh fruits and vegetables, whole grains, nuts and seeds, legumes, seafood, yogurt, olive oil, and small amounts of wine. Totally doable and totally delicious!

Looks like I have myself a new project for this evening! I should probably study up for the ambu test and the tests I'll have to take when I apply at different ambu companies.

I'll leave you with the lyrics for "Bump in the Road" by none other than Erik Hassle:

"We all must go through it sometime
You're not the first, you know
You stick your head in the sunshine
Don't expect the worst, though

If a bird can sing with a broken wing
You'll learn to bend when the wind blows
The leaves may fall, but the trees stay tall
This is a bump in the road
Don't give up, you will make it
Don't give up, you will make it

We all must go through it sometime,
You're not the first, you know
Love got more hooks than a fish line
Believe it hurts, ooowhh

If a bird can sing with a broken wing
You'll learn to bend when the wind blows
The leaves may fall, but the trees stay tall
Find More lyrics at www.sweetslyrics.com
This is a bump in the road
Don't give up, you will make it
Don't give up, you will make it

(Out of the dark
Into the light
Over the edge
On with your life)

We all must go through it sometime
You're not the first, you know
You stick your head in the sunshine
Don't expect the worst, oowhh

If a bird can sing with a broken wing
You'll learn to bend when the wind blows
The leaves may fall, but the trees stay tall
This is a bump in the road
Don't give up, you will make it
Don't give up, you will make it"

A Grateful Heart:

**This blog gets cheesy towards the end. Don't want cheesy? Don't read any further. Think you can handle the corny? Go right on ahead. :-) **

Today started off like any other day.

My alarm went off at 7am and I fed Edward and gave him his insulin. I puttered around the house for a bit, ate breakfast and eventually got dressed. The plan had originally been to pick Christy up and head to the gym where I had training at 10:30. As it turns out, my appointment was at 10am, not 10:30, so I ended up hitting the gym solo. I had a good cardio "sesh" and then, since my regular trainer wasn't there, had a session with my favorite trainer, Jake. He kicked my butt (well, technically he kicked my arms and back). Then, I swung by Christy's house and we did a round of cardio at the gym by her house. We ate lunch, I dropped her off and headed home.

It was during my drive home that I had a conversation with James in which I noted that being grateful is something I need to work on. I got off the phone (I was hands-free, so don't shit yourselves, people) and began to think. Think, think, think, Pooh Bear style. As Jamesy pointed out, I have it pretty good. Tough, but good. I thought about that for a bit, but once I got started on my to do list, I was wrapped up in getting everything done. So the thought of a grateful heart was put on the back burner.

I took Edward to the vet and his glucose levels were waaay down. Too low, actually. The vet said he'd like his levels to be above 100 and below 200. His current levels were at 85. So we lowered his insulin and made an appointment for two weeks from today to recheck everything. Overall, the vet was pleased with how things were going. If the vet is happy, I am happy.

As soon as we got home, I made myself dinner (chicken chow mien from Trader Joe's. Yummy!) and then hit the road again, this time headed to class. I arrived on time, signed in, picked up my notes and sat down. The note sheet was ridiculously short, indicating a ridiculously short lecture. It took 30 minutes. Well, we need a certain number of class hours, so my teacher brought a documentary for us to watch. I didn't know what it was about, but I was down to watch whatever it was.

It ended up being this awesome documentary on 9-11. It started out as a film about a proby, following him through his probationary period on a New York City Fire Department (I want to say it was station 1, a couple of blocks from the WTC). It was filmed by two French brothers and they basically followed this guy, Tony, around. On September 11th, the brothers split up. One went with the battalion chief to a routine gas leak inspection, the other stayed at the station. Well, one of the brothers ended up inside of WTC 1. He had his camera. He followed the NYFD wherever they went. He captured the Incident Command Center where all the different battalion chiefs were meeting. He caught the sound of debris and bodies hitting the awning outside the lobby. He caught the panic as WTC 2 collapsed. Through dust and ash, he followed the FD. It was a God thing that everyone, every single man sent from this station, returned safe and sound.

Facts (http://nymag.com/news/articles/wtc/1year/numbers.htm):

2,996 people died that day
343 paramedics and firefighters were killed that day
60 Law Enforcement officials (NYPD and Port Authority)
People were killed from 115 different nations
289 bodies were found intact
19,858 body parts were found
An estimated 3,051 children lost a parent
20% of all Americans knew someone who was hurt or killed
The rubble continued to burn for 99 days following the attacks
1,506,124 tons of debris was removed from the site

The movie was hard to watch. After class let out, we all walked silently to our cars. As people drove away, I sat in my car in a stupor. My hands were shaking. I was having trouble getting a deep breath. I sent a few texts out, tried to get through the moment. I didn't know whether to cry, scream or laugh it off. I ended up going with the "cry" option. I sat in my car for a few minutes, silently crying. I didn't want to listen to music, I didn't want to talk to anyone. I just sat and cried. I pulled myself together after a few minutes and started out for home.

I was very quiet. I began to feel sick to my stomach. I honestly thought I was going to vomit. I began talking out loud to myself. I asked, why is this hitting me like this? I was 14 when this happened. I only remember my dad waking me up at 7am and saying "there is a national emergency." We were glued to the tv, but I didn't understand it. How could I? I stopped talking out loud eventually and just drove in silence.

And that's when a couple of things happened.

First, I had an epiphany. Seeing that film lit a fire in me that I didn't know existed. I was sitting in class, watching that movie, and I desperately wanted to be digging in the rubble alongside those men. It sounds weird, crazy, I know. I want to be the person who when you see me coming at you in an emergency, you immediately feel relieved and think "help is here. It's going to be ok." I am so pumped to do this job, it's amazing! I am so excited for what is in store for me! I am going to do amazing things! My tears turned to a weird kind of energy. My sadness and that feeling of being lost turned into something bigger than me and, strangely enough, gave me some hope.

Second, I was convicted. I have been so, so, so very ungrateful (SO ungrateful). Watching this film pointed out how much I have to be grateful for. For example, I counted out my close friends, and it took two hands.

TWO HANDS!!! I have two hands of people I can count on, and that doesn't even include my family!

How friggin' blessed am I???

So, I write this blog with a renewed passion and an incredibly grateful heart.

What I want to do will be difficult. I will have to give up a lot in order to accomplish my goals. But what I have to give up is nothing compared to what has been taken from those who have made it possible for me to meet my goals.

Right now, I have Freedom (of speech, of religion). I can go to school. I have an incredible family. I have amazing friends. I have a job. I have a place to live. I have food to eat. I get to sleep in a comfy bed. I have clothes and "things". I have a car. My friends and family are alive and well. I am alive and well. What an incredible, amazing, astounding wealth I have.


I want to say a big THANK YOU to my friends and family.

THANK YOU!!!!

In my moments of doubt and uncertainty, when I'm up and when I'm down, when I'm in a loud mood or a quiet one, when I'm feeling ignored or unimportant, when I need help, when I need someone to listen, when I need a good talking to, when I'm cranky, when I'm angry, when I'm sad, when all I do is whine and complain, when I need to laugh. Thank you for being there. I will *always* be there for you. I want to become a fire medic for me, but also for you. I want to be the one who you call when you need something. And if you need something, I want to be sure that you get it. I want you to be able to count on me when you need it the most.

I love you. You know who you are and if you don't, well then we need to talk! Haha!

Now that I'm emotionally as well as physically exhausted, it's time for me to go to bed!