It's go time!

Just a little update:

AMR Riverside called :) I start Monday with orientation in Rancho Cucamonga and then field training shifts in an unknown location.

This past week has been awfully crazy! I only had a few days to get everything together for AMR HR and part of that time I was in the desert on a shooting trip!! (And holy hell was THAT fun! I've got all sorts of bruises from firing the different guns).

As I was driving around yesterday in Riverside and Rancho (lotssssss of paperwork, physical, drug test, lift test), I was reminded of how smoggy it is up there! I couldn't see the mountains this time, but I figure the Santa Ana's will blow all that away ;)

A friend asked me if I was nervous to finally start and I realized I am! I'm not nervous about the actual job, I'm nervous about the people I'll be working with. The fire crews, my partners, my coworkers and supervisors. I was reminded that all I need to do is be respectful and confident and I'll be fine. Easier said than done, but it can be done!

It caught me off guard yesterday when I signed my last paper for AMR and it hit me that I AM a paramedic! An employed one! This is the start of a career. Health benefits, a 401k. What?! When did I become a freaking grown up?!

It's true what they say. Today is the first day of the rest of your life! The possibilities are endless and I'm so excited to see where life leads me :)

Prayer Request Update:

Thank you for your prayers and thoughts. It is with a heavy heart that I write this. My Aunt Martha passed away early this morning.

Rest easy, Aunt Martha. We will miss you very much but I'm so glad you are no longer in pain and suffering.

“Has this world been so kind to you that you should leave with regret? There are better things ahead than any we leave behind.”  - C.S. Lewis

A quarter of a century old!

Only 25 years old, but after several nights in a row of not sleeping, last night was just too much. In a good way. :-)
I felt very loved yesterday. I know it's stupid, but I loved that people wished me happy birthday on facebook, haha! I was also surprised at how many people texted me, too. I spent the night before my birthday with my friends Grace and Andrew and my brother. We had dinner and watched tv and went for a swim. My aunt sent me a very nice email yesterday (hi Aunt Anne!!! I will be responding to your email soon, I promise!) since she isn't on facebook. I stopped by my dads after work and then had dinner with my brother and my mom. After that, a few of my local friends came out to one of the brewery/pizza places out here and we spent some "quality" time together. Definitely a worthwhile impromptu birthday party. The Eppersons were kind enough to, once again, host the group of us when Lamppost closed (thought they were open until 11, false, they were open until 9:30). My lovely brother drove me to Lamppost, my lovely friend Deanna drove me to the Eppersons and my lovely friend Andrew drove me home (thanks, you guys!!!!). Shawn and Branden even made an appearance!
If I'm being honest, I would've liked to have heard from Justin, but he either forgot or is respecting my previous statement that I'm not ready to hear from him. I'm going back and forth on that. I really don't know what I want, so I'm just not doing anything. Haha, I don't know if that's a healthy response or one of avoidance.
My NR test is Wednesday (gahhhh!), so I'll be studying some more tonight and tomorrow night. We leave for our family camping trip on Friday, and I'm realllllly looking forward to that.
And right now, it's off to work I go! Thank you everyone for your birthday wishes and thank you to those who came out and celebrated with me!

Update July 2011:

Well, I was accepted into paramedic school! YAY!! I start in August.

However, that brought to light a whole bunch of other problems. Money being the biggest issue, while finding a home for my dog runs a close second. Now, I have a feeling that money is ALWAYS going to be an issue.

I quit my EMT job at Care at the beginning of July to pick up some nannying jobs, some petsitting jobs and take a trip to visit some friends in AZ (Arizona in August?! I must be crazy!). Unfortunately, the nannying hasn't been as expected and aside from a couple of petsitting jobs, I don't have any more lined up at the moment. I'm stressing out a little bit.

*side note* About an hour and a half has gone by since I wrote the above paragraph.

Well, when I started this blog I was feeling pretty blue. Money, school, relationships. They were all getting to me. Money and school are still on my mind, but I'm feeling a smidge better about the whole relationships thing. I made some steps tonight that turned out better than I thought they would. I made a few decisions and I didn't know how I'd feel about those decisions but I made them anyway. So far, I'm feeling pretty good. But we all know feelings are fickle.

I've noticed I've been trying to do a lot of things on my own lately. I have wandered, once again, from placing my trust in God and gave been trying to put it in myself. I'm making it work, but I'm exhausted! And that treading water feeling sneaks in more often than it did when I let go and let God.

I feel hypocritical, though, asking God for help when I know I'm putting up this huge fight and 'm not letting Him into every area in my life. I don't believe that God is only allowed into the areas I want him in, so instead of giving it all up, I keep it all to myself.

My mom asks me this one question a couple of times a month: have you prayed about it? And my answer is always no. She suggests I give it a try. And like I said before, it's exhausting trying to do this by myself but I don't want to give everything up. To be frank, I like my sin just how I like it. Does that make sense? I hope it doesn't sound too weird. It made sense in my head (it still does. I get what I mean, lol). I'm not willing to make a life change at this point. Sounds stupid, I know, but I acknowledge this. I take responsibility for this.

This is part of the process of change, I know. When I start to feel restless like this, it usually means that not only do I need to change something up, but that I will change something up shortly. Makes me wonder what is in store for me in the next month or so.

August 22nd marks the end of my world as I know it. I will officially be a paramedic in training. I feel like the majority of my time will be spent studying, sleeping and in class. I'm worried I won't see my friends. I know I won't see them as often, but I'm worried that they'll "forget" me or move on to new friends and, essentially, leave me behind. I mean, sure, we all make new friends all the time. And, in all fairness, I'll be making new friends in class and I will see these people and spend more time with these people than with my friends and family. I have to keep reminding myself that this will all be worth it.

I have been hearing chatter lately that most male firefighters dislike working with female firefighters. I'm not going to lie and say this wasn't discouraging to hear. It made me questions whether or not I can do this or if I really even wanted to do this. I don't see myself being a single role medic for several reasons, mostly money. The idea of the brotherhood in a fire department is a big draw for me. These guys will be my brothers. And I will be their sister. No matter how much I second guess myself, I know I can do it. I know I can. I can do the same job the men can do and I can do it well. I know I'll have to prove myself. No one gets accepted into the brotherhood without being tested. I worry about the extent of the testing and how I'll be treated but I wasn't born to take the easy way.

I remember people telling me when I was little (I had to be somewhere around 10 or 11) that they see me as a leader. A lot of people got an image from The Lion King. The one where Nala pins Simba. Apparently, I'll beat out the boys. :-)

On that note, it's time for me to go to bed. My nanny work was canceled for tomorrow (this does not help the anxiety...) and I'm going to be productive. I will find SOMETHING to do.

Field of Dreams:

Random thought:

You know that line from the Field of Dreams "If you build it they will come"? Well that's kind of how I feel about life, except for me it goes "If you're busy, everyone you know will ask you to do something and you'll have to say no." It kind of sucks. I'm worried that if I keep saying no, they'll stop asking.

It has been brought to my attention recently by both the president of my fan club (bahahaha, Jacks) and an avid reader of mine (bahahaha, Buhrian) that I have fallen behind lately with my blogging. My apologies! Things have been pretty crazy these days. I don't even know what I last wrote about. Maybe I should read my own blog.

Let's see... Where to start.

Looks like I'll be going to the fire academy first, followed by paramedic school. That changes things, shifts some priorities.

I realized the other day that I've become very overcomplacent. I'm far too comfortable with where I am in my "career". I do not want to work BLS for much longer. IT has it's place in the ladder to my career goals, but it is merely a step. I'm trying to get my head back into the game. I need to start studying again, start working out harder. I got into medic prep, so starting in January I will be back to my studying ways.

I also realized that I really need to look into becoming a reserve firefighter and/or volunteering. With this realization came a second realization that I am absolutely scared to death of doing either or both of those things. But seeing as how I'm determined not to live my life out of fear, I need to face these fears head on. Scary! Luckily, working at Care has given me a lot of great people to talk to get advice from regarding the best way to reach my goals. Good ol' Care Bears.

I have a new roommate moving in in a little over a week. Should be interesting. I've never lived with someone who hasn't been family. All I ask is he pay his rent on time, clean up after himself, be quiet at night, don't touch my food and be sane. Fingers crossed this all works out.

As for right now, I start another glorious week of BLS tomorrow and I need my beauty sleep.

Choices:

Life is a series of decisions and consequences. One choice can change your entire life. That is an astounding thought, isn't it? If you really think about it, it's kind of mind blowing.

I think back on all of the decisions I've made and the wrong ones are what really stand out. I guess that's how it usually is, though. We always remember the negative things.

I've been thinking a lot about the decisions I'm making. I don't know if we ever fully realize the impact of our choices until maybe it's "too late". For example, what would have happened had I decided to continue with my educational goal of becoming a teacher and had never gone into EMS? I have a feeling things would have been drastically different. I never would have met some of my best friends and I never would have had the experiences I've had. Imagine how different things would be?? I can't quite wrap my head around it.

So it's that kind of thinking that makes me wonder how much my life is changing simply because of the choices I've made. Makes me want to spend more time thinking about a decision before I make it.

So, yeah, that was my random thought for the day. I am in the middle of my 3 day "weekend" right now and I'm enjoying it immensely. Sure working 4 days in a row kind of sucks (especially when one shift ends less than 8 hours before the next one begins), but it's really nice to have several days in a row that don't involve wearing a uniform and heavy boots. Time to take the dog out...