Prayers please!!!

A pretty amazing job opportunity was just brought to my attention!!! Single role medic for Escondido Fire! Please pray for favor and send good thoughts my way.

This would be a perfect fit for me. The starting pay is the same as working with a private company, but I believe there is a pension plan and the location is perfect.

The application process begins tomorrow but I'm still waiting for my state card to arrive. Please pray it gets here sooner rather than later. I feel like this is an absolutely amazing opportunity and I would love love love to be able to do this!

It's time for me to stop believing the lie that I'm not good enough and accept my calling.

Challenge accepted:

*BIG SIGH*

You know, it really really reallllly rubs me the wrong way when people tell me I can't do something ("can't" as in "unable").

I have had many people tell me "Don't you think [insert occupation here] would be so much easier than becoming a firefighter? I mean, that's just so hard!" Ummmm... Yeah, it's tough, but if it was easy everyone would be doing it! 

 Or "Have you ever considered [insert occupation here]?" No. I have never, ever, ever (Taylor Swift status, right here) considered ANY other career. Like, ever.

It's not about doing what's easy, it's about doing what I love. When I talk about the calls I've run on, I feel alive inside. I feel bright and fiery. I can't see my own face, but I'm pretty sure my eyes light up and my cheeks flush. The whole shebang. 

I firmly believe that I was not put on this earth to be ordinary. I am not cut from a cookie cutter. I am not one of the masses. Despite what Tyler Durden says, I am a gosh darn unique snowflake!!!

So go ahead. 

Tell me I can't do it. 

Suggest other careers. 

Doubt my dedication. 

Don't believe in me. 

I dare you.

I like a challenge.

You mean I'm a reverse ego maniac?

I try to get a therapy session in every couple of weeks. Last night I was talking with my therapist, Pat, about the general goings-on over the last couple of weeks. Somehow, she used her therapist magic, and we got on the topic of self esteem and self worth. (And she has this way of making me feel so completely comfortable that I don't even hesitate or think about what I'm telling her).

Well, of course, she asks me a question (which I don't remember) and I start out with "my whole life I've felt less than--"*cue crying*.

You're good, Pat.... Ohhhh you're good.

Anyways, it comes out that I don't feel good enough and have felt like this for a good majority of my life, starting before I can remember. So we delve into that for a little bit and then she asks me if I know what an ego trip is. Of course I do, I respond, I've worked with many prime examples! (Ba-dum-chhh!)

Pat gives me a courtesy laugh and then continues on. "Well an inside out ego trip is the opposite of an ego trip. Instead of feeling more important and better than everyone else, you feel unimportant and less than everyone else."

I paused, let it sink in for a minute.

Hmmmm. An inside out ego trip!! Meaning its all in my head? I'm neither less than or better than anyone else? I'm just here? Just me? "Yep!" She replies. "You just worry about being your best you."

And then I think to myself, THAT I can do!

Side note: losing inches and gaining muscle! Fire academy, here I come! In a year! ;) (progress has to start somewhere)

Life isn't a Taylor Swift song...

Or is it?

"Maybe we got lost in translation, maybe I asked for too much, but maybe this thing was a masterpiece before you tore it all up. Running scared, I was there, I remember it all too well. And you call me up again just to break me like a promise. So casually cruel in the name of being honest. I'm a crumpled up piece of paper lying here, cause I remember it all all all too well".

Word, Swifty. Word. Speaks right to me.

Chivalry: Dead or Alive?

Most of you are probably aware that I am pursuing the career path of firefighter paramedic. And as some of you are aware, this is somewhat of a male dominated field, though over the past few decades, it is becoming somewhat more common to see a female firefighter right there with the boys, especially in places like San Diego City.

I had an experience in a restaurant tonight that got my mental wheels turning. I was standing in the lobby of a crowded restaurant, waiting for my mom so we could leave. An older gentleman saw me standing and stood up, offering me his seat. I declined, saying I was leaving shortly but thanked him for his kindness. I made a remark on the "Good Book" that chivalry is not entirely dead, it's just dead among people my own age.

Definition: Chivalry - 

1.	the combination of qualities expected of an ideal knight, esp courage, honor, justice, and a readiness to help the weak
2.	courteous behavior, esp towards women
3.	the medieval system and principles of knighthood
4.	knights, noblemen, etc, collectively

One of my former EMT partners sent me the link to an article that has a short summary of a female Air Force Lieutenant who was trying to get her husband covered by her health insurance. This was in 1971 and apparently for a man to claim his wife as a dependent, he need only apply. Though for a woman to claim her husband, she must provide proof that her husband is dependent for at least half of his support. The Lieutenants husband was not, thus he was denied coverage.

This got me to thinking...

We as women have fought for equality. We wanted to run with the Good Ol' Boys. Now that we have some equality, it seems as though we feel as if chivalry is lacking, missing, or dead!

Now, the rest of this blog gets very specific as to job type, so it probably doesn't apply to all areas...


I feel that those involved in public service (military, police, fire/EMS) are held to a higher standard as far as a code of conduct. So within those jobs, are we held to a certain level of equality that negates chivalry, in the most common sense of the word? Or are chivalry and a general respect for others a similar thing? (EG holding doors open, offering up a seat, carrying things, holding an elevator door, etc) Does being chivalrous imply that the offering party is stronger or more capable than the receiving party?

Hmmmm...

If I'm at work, I don't want special treatment. I may be a female, but I can do my job just as good as any man and maybe better than most. I am one of the guys. Help carrying the equipment down the stairs? No thanks, I'm good. (though you can totally carry Mr What's-his-name who weighs 500 pounds and is shaped like the Pillsbury Dough Boy down those 4 flights of stairs while I carry the monitor and drug box. Thanks!) (I'm not stupid, after all... Work smarter, not harder)

HOWEVER. Outside of work, hold that gosh darn door open! Offer me your seat. Walk me to my car. Offer me your coat. Open my car door. Treat me like a lady. ESPECIALLY if you're taking me on a date! Or if you're dating me! Just because you've won my heart doesn't mean I still don't enjoy it when you open doors for me. :-)

Moral of the story, stay on the safe side and be respectful. Not just to women, but to everyone around you. Hold a door, offer your chair, help carry something.

One Year Ago:

Today would've been my one year anniversary of my first real relationship. Today also marks 4 months of being out of that relationship and 4 months of being out of medic school.

I've tried to live my life with no regrets. And while I don't regret many things about our past relationship, I do have a few. I regret not being able to know when to stop pushing and just sit back and allow things to happen organically. I regret not being able to recognize that something was going on inside of me (emotionally, physically) and trying to fix that instead of projecting it outwards.

Maybe "regret" is the wrong word. I suppose I'm sad when I think about the mistakes that were made because they ruined something I loved. But I always did have to learn the hard way! So I'll acknowledge my mistakes and grow from them. Every experience we go through in life is meant to add to our character and allow us to help others through similar situations when they go through them. Everything happens for a reason.

So now that I've acknowledged the reason I am feeling sad this morning, it's time to shake it off and move forward with the day. :-)

Side note, I've decided to make some changes in the near future. A blog will be coming soon about those decisions. :-)

11 Years Later:

11 years ago, I was 14 years old. I was a home school student and a freshman in high school.

My dad came into my room and woke me up saying "there's a national emergency" and we sat and watched the news. At 14 years old, there's only so much you can be expected to comprehend. I knew what I was watching was huge and it was sad, but I didn't feel it like most adults did.

But today, as we pause and remember, I get it. I feel it. And I think to myself, what would I have done? If I had been dispatched to one of the towers, what would I have done? Well, I would've gone, obviously, but how does one deal with that?

And then I think, would I give my life?

I've thought about this for a while now and I've come to this conclusion:

I'm not ready to die and I don't want to die. But if it came down to it, I would, to borrow the clichè, take the bullet. Because that's what I signed up for and that's where my heart is at.
If it were one of my family members, I'd want to know that their EMS provider had their heart in it, too.

Thank you to all who have sacrificed in the name of helping others.