Procrastination:

When life gets tough, the tough get going, right? Yes, that would be ideal. However, this is not the case today. I have a midterm Wednesday in my EME class (25% of my grade in a class that I love) and two chemistry exams on Tuesday and I don't know of much that could motivate me to study right now (aside from failing. That might motivate me). I desperately need to review my OB, patient assessment and signs/symptoms lecture notes for my midterm. I need an 80% or higher to pass the class... I am NOT dropping this class halfway through the semester. I am NOT going to retake it again. *sigh* But I still don't want to study.

Rant:
Chemistry. It sucks. As my cousin put it, Chemistry and I have no chemistry. I love to balance equations and once I get the formula's down, I love to do the math. My problem right now seems to be that I don't really understand what the heck I'm doing! I'm hoping a study session on Sunday will clear things up, but there's no telling how much information I'll actually absorb and retain. I could, technically speaking, give a rats ass about this chemistry class. But, the thing is, I need this class to take anatomy and physiology. Plus, after this chem class, I'll have an AA with an emphasis in mathematics and science (finally).

Rave:
Getting a license to drive an ambulance. How cool is that?!? I need to go and get all the forms from the DMV next week so I can get that taken care of. It makes me more "hire-able" according to my EME instructor. I'm super jazzed about becoming an EMT (and eventually a paramedic). I really do think it's one of the more perfect jobs for me. I get to go into any given situation, take control, patch people up and send them on their way. Too bad it pays just barely above minimum wage when you first start. And I have to suck it up and get over the fact that I will look like a square, boxy man in the uniforms. So perhaps I should follow Nike's slogan and "Just do It" and go study.

Other stuff:
I think I'm either going to hire a personal trainer (you know, once I win the lottery and become a millionaire) or take some sort of physical training class to get me to where I need to be physically. A guy from my EME class was telling me some of the physical fitness tests I have to pass (be able to run an 8 minute mile?!?) if I end up becoming a firefighter as well. Plus, even as an EMT, I have to be able to move and lift people and equipment. If I go on to do something totally awesome like work as a S.W.A.T. medic, I'm going to need to be in peak physical condition. I need to apply Nike's slogan to my ENTIRE life and just do it!

Hmmm... I guess I should go study, then. The idea of failing any of my classes and having to retake them makes me physically ill... That might be enough motivation!

Restlessness:

Today, I am feeling restless. Not the kind of restless where you can't sit still, but more of a mental restlessness. I want to get in my car and drive away, never looking back. I have no idea where this feeling is coming from, either. Nothing new and/or big has happened. Maybe the tedium is getting to me. All I know, is I feel like I could cry at the drop of a hat. The same hat falling could also cause me to grab an overnight bag, some food and my dog and just take off for the weekend...

Maybe I have "modern neurasthenia". A few of the symptoms are being "plagued by a sense of 'unreality'" and feeling "shiftlessness, anxious, and restlessness." The author of a blog about modern neurasthenia says the following about what causes this unrecognized psycho-physical disorder:

"Neurasthenia is back for the same reason it plagued our forbearers; our expectations have not kept pace with changing technology and culture. Technology has leapfrogged ahead in the past couple of decades with the internet, cell phones, Twitter, Facebook, and Blackberries putting us in instant touch with anyone in the world. With Google maps we can virtually zoom anywhere on earth and a wealth of information is right at our fingertips.

Our lives are also saturated with media. We’ve been exposed to thousands of commercials, movies, and televisions shows. How many images have we absorbed of SUV’s powering to the edge of a cliff, awesome rooftop parties in LA, sweet Manhattan apartments miraculously rented by struggling 20-somethings, vacations on private islands, legendary road trips and so on. The images we consume are full of moments showcasing life at its most vital and extraordinary.

And so our minds are filled with the vast possibilities the world has to offer, and technology makes us feel that all these possibilities are just within our reach. But the realities of our lives really haven’t changed much. Many aspects of our lives have sped up and become easier, but lots of things haven’t. We can instantly chat with our friend in Argentina, but we’re no closer to instantly teleporting there. Tons of information is available on the web but it still takes just as long as it ever did to read and absorb it. We still need to get jobs and pay rent and work at our relationships."

The cure?

1) Figure out what you can do.
2) Figure out what you want to do.
3) Take small steps.

So, I guess the solution to my restlessness is to acknowledge what I can do, what I want to do and find a way to take small steps towards what I want. I think I'll also consult with God on this one. Restlessness usually means I'm not getting something I need out of life, and what better place to look for it than God.

Strength, Peace and Joy

8-23-09

One thing I love about working with Alice is the quiet. I have time to sit and be quiet and pray, listen, think. This morning in my quiet time (which, unfortunately, is becoming a rare occurrence), I was asking God to show me where my heart is. I’m entering into new territory in my life. I’m experiencing new feelings and I have no clue what they mean. That’s where God comes in. I like to journal my prayers and I like them to be in letter form. God is not some being in the sky who I only turn to for help. He is my friend. To borrow lyrics from Nichole Nordeman’s “I Am”, He is my comforter, healer, my redeemer. So putting things into a letter to God helps me see the relationship and forget the religion. So I was journaling and I was remarking on how it felt like it took me such a long time to shake off some old habits and get to where I am today. I was worried about slipping back into my old self when God gave me the word “strength”. I turned in the concordance to the section on strength and I found the following verse:

Psalm 29:11 The Lord gives strength to his people; the Lord blesses his people with peace.

That really struck me. For so long, I was focused on peace. Life was so, so, so crazy I couldn’t stand to think beyond one day in advance. He gave me peace. But He doesn’t just give me peace, He gives me strength, too. It’s not me alone in this; it’s me and Him. I read on a little further and I was hit by another verse:

Psalm 30:11 You turned my wailing into dancing; you removed my sackcloth and clothed me in joy, that my heart may sing to you and not be silent.

The use of the word “heart” literally means “glory”, which, according to my NIV study bible, means “the core of one’s being.” He has clothed me in joy so that the core of my being may sing to him and not be silent. It got me to thinking, have I been missing joy? Have I been so focused on just getting by that I have been missing out on his joy? It took God spelling it out for me to get it, but I think I finally got it. My mission this week: let God clothe me in joy.

And joy couldn’t come at a better time. School starts next week. As the stress level rises, I pray that joy does as well.

The Waiting Game:

I suppose you could call me impatient. It depends on my mood, really. There are some days where I'm content to stay in the slow lane, cook my food on the stove and order things online. But sometimes, the only way to make it through the day is to weave in and out of traffic, zap my food in the microwave and stop by a store on the way home. Instant satisfaction. The problem, however, is now I don't want to wait for anything. I want phone calls, texts and emails returned ASAP, no matter what the content is. I want everything now. I'm not very good with delayed gratification. And that, my friends, is part of one of my many theories on why some people (myself included) are overweight. We have been raised in a society that, for the most part, does not encourage having to wait. "Buy now, pay later" they tell us. "Hot and ready pizza" signs scream. Patience is not something you see nowadays. I think we should change that.

I always wondered why "the experts" say to chew and eat slowly. I think I finally get it. When you gulp everything down in 5 minutes, your stomach doesn't have time to get the "I'm full" message to the brain, therefore, you eat until you're stuffed. If you eat slowly, say taking 15 minutes, you notice the "I'm full, stop eating" signal. This takes patience, or, at least, is does for me. I find it very difficult to eat slowly. It's not like I'm at risk of losing my food if I don't eat it all really fast. No one is going to take it from me and I won't get in trouble for leaving food on my plate.

Patience also takes a toll on relationships. You ever wonder why you or your girlfriend, boyfriend, wife, husband or friends get so pissed when you don't return their call, text or email immediately? When people don't want to wait for things, yet are forced to, they get cranky. They get mad because society has been pounding it in to our heads that we shouldn't have to wait for anything. I'm that way with texts. If I know someone is at work, I'm not as impatient, but if I know they're out and about yet I don't get a response in what I deem an appropriate amount of time, I get slightly miffed. For the most part, it is just my overactive imagination that gets me in trouble.

"Why isn't she texting me back? I hope she's ok. Something must have gone wrong. Should I call 911?"

"It's been 4 minutes and I haven't gotten a respnse from him. He must be with someone else."

It's a slippery slope of thoughts that get me in trouble. I'm getting pretty good at pushing those thoughts out of my mind and replacing them with more reasonable ones (Thank God for self help books. Haha).

I've decided to try to become more patient. Delayed gratification is a good thing, no matter what society tells us. Instead of bringing sexy back (JT already did that), I'm bringing patience back. Here are some tips from wikiHow on how to be patient:

1) Try to figure out why you're in such a hurry. Multitasking and tight schedules often lead to losing your patience. Look over your To Do list and see what tasks can be completed by others or at a later time.
2) Figure out what triggers your loss of patience. Stress, worrying and anxiety can all be triggers. Do certain people or situations push your limits? Sometimes writing things down can help ease your mind.
3) When you start to feel impatient, take a minute or two (or three or four or five or...) to just breathe deeply and gather your thoughts.

There are 9 steps and several tips on how to improve patience. I'm going to give it a go this coming week and see how it changes my attitude. Keep your fingers crossed! Patience is not one of my strong points, but I'm going to try it out.

Update:

Update coming soon. :)

Conversations:

I was lucky enough to be invited on a trip to Palm Springs with one of my best friends. It was super, super hot (110 degrees), but it was so much fun. I don't get to see her very often and it is nice to reconnect.

It seems that it's always the second night that our deepest conversations take place. We went to Tahoe last year and it was the same thing. The second night we were up into the wee hours of the morning, just talking. We cover a multitude of topics, ranging from our pasts to our futures to clothes to hopes and dreams. One or both of us usually ends up crying, but it's a cleansing, freeing cry.

This particular conversation brought us much closer together. I don't think we have any secrets from each other anymore. There's always one little area in a persons life that makes them feel isolated and alone. When you share this with someone else, you are freed. You aren't alone. That's what happened with us in Palm Springs.

On top of that, she told me how much she admires me. When someone you love and respect tells you they admire you, it changes something in your heart. Of course, I started to cry. It gave me the boost I didn't know I needed. Now I think I can keep going. :)

Then my mom and I had an awesome conversation about God Sunday morning. I love it when we have talks like that! That's when I got the inspiration for my next tattoo. Our talk was mostly about how God is love (cheesy, but true) and Jesus spent his time on earth simply loving people. He loved the prostitutes, the taxmen, the lepers. He loved the unlovable. That amazes me. So, my mission is to love people just because Jesus does. It will be hard, but what better way to show Gods heart than through love?

Here it goes again:

It has taken over 2 years, but I am fed up with my weight. I am sick of being tired all the time, I am sick of being enslaved to the food I eat and I am sick of feeling less-than. I know that it's about what's on the inside and that the people who love me don't love me for my body, but it doesn't mean I feel good about myself.

My best friend is writing her senior thesis on overeating being an underestimated eating disorder, and it got me to thinking. I never really thought I had it until a few weeks ago. I always thought I just had some sort of deficiency when it came to self-control. But it truly is a compulsion. I feel like it controls me, though not all the time. I can hold my ground for a little bit, even up to a few weeks, but I seem to always give in towards the end of whatever battle I'm fighting with food. I don't want this to be seen as an excuse to be the way that I am. It's not as simple as "don't eat this" or "don't eat that". For people with this disorder, it is an epic struggle. You feel so empty and lost before you compulsively overeat and then after you feel so guilty, you want to do it again. Instead of being a "dry drunk", I'm a "dry eater"... Or something like that. It means that even when I'm "sober", I'm still behaving or thinking like an eat-aholic.

My life is full of stress and it has always felt natural to turn to food to make me feel better. It's an emotional, as well as physical, problem. That being said, I've always thought (and said) "someday I'll lose the weight". Well, that someday is today. Well, it's actually tomorrow, but you get the idea. It's time to stop letting food control me. With the help of God, the advice of my former nutritionist, and the knowledge I have accumulated in my search for the magic weight-loss formula, I am going to try to tackle this again.

Journalling, praying, eating small meals often, and following some guidelines from The South Beach Diet (the only eating plan that has really worked for me) are what I hope will help me towards success.

I've also looked into some Overeaters Anonymous meetings. They have similar support groups, meetings and steps to AA. According to "Is OA for you?", I answered yes to three or more of the questions, which means it is probable that I am a compulsive overeater...

What an interesting ride this will be.