One Year Ago:

Today would've been my one year anniversary of my first real relationship. Today also marks 4 months of being out of that relationship and 4 months of being out of medic school.

I've tried to live my life with no regrets. And while I don't regret many things about our past relationship, I do have a few. I regret not being able to know when to stop pushing and just sit back and allow things to happen organically. I regret not being able to recognize that something was going on inside of me (emotionally, physically) and trying to fix that instead of projecting it outwards.

Maybe "regret" is the wrong word. I suppose I'm sad when I think about the mistakes that were made because they ruined something I loved. But I always did have to learn the hard way! So I'll acknowledge my mistakes and grow from them. Every experience we go through in life is meant to add to our character and allow us to help others through similar situations when they go through them. Everything happens for a reason.

So now that I've acknowledged the reason I am feeling sad this morning, it's time to shake it off and move forward with the day. :-)

Side note, I've decided to make some changes in the near future. A blog will be coming soon about those decisions. :-)

11 Years Later:

11 years ago, I was 14 years old. I was a home school student and a freshman in high school.

My dad came into my room and woke me up saying "there's a national emergency" and we sat and watched the news. At 14 years old, there's only so much you can be expected to comprehend. I knew what I was watching was huge and it was sad, but I didn't feel it like most adults did.

But today, as we pause and remember, I get it. I feel it. And I think to myself, what would I have done? If I had been dispatched to one of the towers, what would I have done? Well, I would've gone, obviously, but how does one deal with that?

And then I think, would I give my life?

I've thought about this for a while now and I've come to this conclusion:

I'm not ready to die and I don't want to die. But if it came down to it, I would, to borrow the clichè, take the bullet. Because that's what I signed up for and that's where my heart is at.
If it were one of my family members, I'd want to know that their EMS provider had their heart in it, too.

Thank you to all who have sacrificed in the name of helping others.

It's Official:

Today, I officially became a nationally certified paramedic. :-) I passed my NR test this morning! Go me!!!!

A quarter of a century old!

Only 25 years old, but after several nights in a row of not sleeping, last night was just too much. In a good way. :-)
I felt very loved yesterday. I know it's stupid, but I loved that people wished me happy birthday on facebook, haha! I was also surprised at how many people texted me, too. I spent the night before my birthday with my friends Grace and Andrew and my brother. We had dinner and watched tv and went for a swim. My aunt sent me a very nice email yesterday (hi Aunt Anne!!! I will be responding to your email soon, I promise!) since she isn't on facebook. I stopped by my dads after work and then had dinner with my brother and my mom. After that, a few of my local friends came out to one of the brewery/pizza places out here and we spent some "quality" time together. Definitely a worthwhile impromptu birthday party. The Eppersons were kind enough to, once again, host the group of us when Lamppost closed (thought they were open until 11, false, they were open until 9:30). My lovely brother drove me to Lamppost, my lovely friend Deanna drove me to the Eppersons and my lovely friend Andrew drove me home (thanks, you guys!!!!). Shawn and Branden even made an appearance!
If I'm being honest, I would've liked to have heard from Justin, but he either forgot or is respecting my previous statement that I'm not ready to hear from him. I'm going back and forth on that. I really don't know what I want, so I'm just not doing anything. Haha, I don't know if that's a healthy response or one of avoidance.
My NR test is Wednesday (gahhhh!), so I'll be studying some more tonight and tomorrow night. We leave for our family camping trip on Friday, and I'm realllllly looking forward to that.
And right now, it's off to work I go! Thank you everyone for your birthday wishes and thank you to those who came out and celebrated with me!

Untitled:

Some days, you get tired of feeling unwanted.

Let's Digress:

Alright, so you know how you're listening to a song you really like and you're focusing on the words and a line just hits you? Like, it runs up to you and just punches you in the face?? Well, I've had a couple of those moments recently and it got me to thinking (which we all know is a dangerous thing...) and I wanted to share a few lines.

First up, the song "Love, love, love" by Of Monsters and Men.

The lines:

 And these fingertips
Will never run through your skin
Those bright blue eyes
Can only meet mine across the room
Filled with people that are less important than you

'Cause you love, love, love
When you know I can't love
You love, love, love
When you know I can't love
You love, love, love
When you know I can't love you

So I think it's best
We both forget
Before we dwell on it

Before I say anything else and before you read further, please go listen to this song if you haven't yet. It's so beautifully written and performed. The entire album is amazing. Moving on... I'm sure you're all getting sick of hearing about my break-up thoughts and processing, but guess what? I don't care. :-) Here come more of them. I don't know, something about this song really hit me. It almost brings about a sense of grieving, but at the same time, it's not a depressing or sad song. I've been thinking about my former boyfriend a lot in the past few weeks. Almost to the point where I'm questioning what my mind is trying to work out. But these lines are almost cathartic, like it's cleaning out my heart. (cheesy... I know...)

Next up on the list of digression, "No One's Gonna Love You" by Band of Horses

But someone,
They could have warned you
When things start splitting at the seams and now
The whole thing's tumbling down
Things start splitting at the seams and now
If things start splitting at the seams and now,
It's tumbling down
Hard.

Anything to make you smile
You are the ever-living ghost of what once was
I never want to hear you say
That you'd be better off
Or you liked it that way

But no one is ever gonna love you more than I do
No one's gonna love you more than I do

Who's excited about all these songs pertaining to my break-up?!? No one is more excited than me. This has been one of my favorite songs for a while. It also has a sad tone to it, but when I listen to it, it's almost peaceful. I like the word play and the idea that things are falling apart but that love is still there.

Alright, this next one is going to shock and even disgust you... "As Long As You Love Me" by Justin Bieber...

The grass ain't always greener on the other side, it's green where you water it.

Now if that's not poetry, I don't know what is!!! Haha, but in all seriousness, if you want to make something work and keep it going, you find a way to do that. This line is almost like modern day proverb. Pretty sure modern Ghandi would be like "Word. Shit just got real." Nurture the things you want to keep alive. It's that simple.

The last one I want to mention (last one for now, muahahahaha) is "Call It Off" by Tegan and Sara.

Call, break it off
Call, break my own heart
Maybe I would have been
Something you'd be good at
Maybe you would have been
Something I'd be good at
But now we'll never know
I won't be sad
But in case
I'll go there
Everyday,
To make myself feel bad
There's a chance
I'll start to wonder
If this was the thing to do

I can't help but wonder, like the song says, maybe we would've been something the other would be good at. And I wonder sometimes if it was the right decision, even though I know it was. We're both doing better and have made changes in our lives. It feels weird to not have him in my life. Sucks to lose a boyfriend and a best friend in one fell swoop

Well, this took a melancholy turn! I didn't think that's where it would go. I reread the blog and it's all down and sad. That's now how I am, just how I seem to be feeling at the moment. Of course, a nap and some friend time will help turn this frown upside down. :-)

Time to get the ball rolling:

I just realized that I leave in 8 days for Utah and then after that I get to go camping for a weekend! Yay! Also, my NR test is in 2 weeks. I'm excited to get grown up life started. I also can't wait to be able to afford my own place! I've been looking at my friends places and thinking about how I would like my house to be. But, a job comes first. And then probably a car. But that's ok. One step at a time, right?

I got some good advice from a friend today. It was basically along the lines of "Do what you want, but be aware of your expectations and b prepared for possible outcomes." So I did what I wanted. And maybe it wasn't what everyone else would've done. But that's ok. Luckily, I'm not living my life to please anyone else. Unfortunately, I don't think I quite prepared myself as much as I should've for possible outcomes...

After an intense work weekend, I'm really enjoying my day off. The best thing about the Blogger app is that I can be lying by a pool writing a blog, which is what I'm doing now. :-)

Time to hit the water. Darn this heatwave!