An Open Letter:

Dear Family and Friends,

As many of you know, I decided almost 2 years ago to embark on a new career path. The debate on what I should do with the rest of my life had been going on ever since graduation from high school in 2005. I started out wanting to become a teacher. This is something everyone has always told me I would be good at and it's something I enjoy. After spending a little over 2 years at a community college with Liberal Studies in mind, it occurred to me that while I enjoy teaching, it isn't something I want to do as a career. A few months after that, I thought I had finally found my ideal major: kinesiology. I had lost weight and my health and mood had improved greatly and this was in direct correlation to leading a healthier lifestyle. I wanted to study why food and weight affects people the way it does and I wanted to help people who were in a situation that I had seemingly conquered. I am still fascinated by the direct relationship between food, exercise and mood. However, after taking a required First Responder class, I discovered what I believe to be my true passion, becoming a Paramedic (and maybe with a little Firefighter on the side).

Emergency medicine has always been glamorized. Shows like E.R. and Trauma show smart, beautiful people saving lives at a fast pace. I'm not going to lie and tell you this wasn't part of the attraction. But for those of you that have read my previous blogs, you know that's not the main reason I want to become a Paramedic. If you've ever had to call 911, it probably wasn't because everything was going just fine and dandy. You probably called because everything was going wrong. So wrong, you couldn't fix it on your own and you couldn't wait for a friend, family, or a doctors appointment. This means that you know the way it feels when someone who knows what to do shows up. You feel safer, relieved (and you usually start to feel better!). I have said this before, but I want to do that for people. I want to be someone's calm in the chaos. I love the fast pace, the adrenaline rush. And, in all honesty, I love that it is not prolonged care. I'm not with someone for days at a time. Essentially, I pick up, treat, transport, drop off. It's quick and effective. There are other aspects to this career that I enjoy, too. Probably too many to list, so I'm not going to try.

The path I have chosen is arduous and life consuming. It took hard work to get to where I am now and it will take more hard work to get to where I want to be. That's what this blog is about. I want you all to know what will be happening in the next year or two.

As of right now, I am an EMT employed by a private ambulance company where I work 40+ hours a week. I also nanny 1-2 days a week, if time permits. At the end of this month, I will begin Paramedic Prep (which is just what it sounds like it is: a class that prepares you for the Paramedic Program). I will be in school 2 days a week and I will be working 5 days a week for a little over a month. After that class, I will hopefully be beginning the San Diego County Fire Authority Volunteer Firefighter Academy in El Cajon. Once that academy is completed, I will be volunteering one day a week at a fire station. I will, presumably, still be employed with the ambulance company, as well as still nannying. This means I will be busy 6-7 days a week. Come August, I hope to have been accepted into the Paramedic Program. This will launch me into a very busy, hectic schedule of class work and then eventually clinical and internship hours. I plan to resign from the ambulance company and nanny 2-3 days a week during this time. I have no idea how busy I will be. I'm assuming I will be in class 3 days a week (all day), working 2-3, studying the rest of the time. Following my completion of the Paramedic Program, I plan on going into the Fire Academy offered at Palomar. In order to do this, I will need to be getting myself physically ready prior to beginning the academy. This means that on top of school and work, I will also be in a training of sorts in preparation for the academy. At the end of this whole process, I hope to be employed at a fire station in North San Diego County. I don't have a real time line, though I have been saying that I hope to have reached my goals within 5 years (and that seems like a plausible amount of time).

Now, all of this information has been leading up to this very moment. The following is the whole point of this blog:

You may not see me for up to 5 years.

This may sound harsh, a little unrealistic, perhaps a tad dramatic. But I want to prepare you for the worst. In order to reach my many goals, I will have to be unequivocally dedicated. My life will become as follows: Study, eat, go to class, study, eat, workout, sleep, study, work, study, workout, study, eat, sleep (repeat as necessary). You will ask me to do something. I will ask if it involves any of the aforementioned items (combining several of them is always a bonus). I will most likely decline.

Please, please, please don't give up on me! Know I want to see you, want to spend time with you. Know that your support and understanding has made the process so far much more tolerable. Know it will get worse before it gets better but that it will get better. Know that when I say no, it tears me up inside. I will do what I can to make time for "fun" things. Unfortunately, I am one of those people that really, really values sleep. So, if it comes down to hanging out with people and getting 3 hours of sleep or getting 6 hours of sleep, I'm going to choose sleep. When you talk to me, all I will most likely talk about is what I'm learning about. I will be so tired from all my busy work, I probably won't even listen to what you say! Please, please, please, PLEASE don't give up on me!!!

I love spending time with my family and friends. I love the memories we make and the stories we tell. I value your advice and the listening ears/shoulders to cry on. I'm sorry I may not be there for you the way I have been and the way you have all been there for me. It will all be worth it. (Trust me, you want me to excel! You don't want to call 911 and get an F-Tard. You want the pro's)

If you take anything away from this whole, long, drawn out blog, let it be this: I will say no to hanging out, I will not listen when you talk, you may not hear from me for weeks. But I love you. And I need you. Please be patient with me.

I think I have (finally) run out of things to say... Looks like it's time to go back to paper writing and studying!

Tonight, I want to be alone:

I actually turned off my phone and logged out of Facebook and gmail chat. Alice is sleeping. I think I'm really alone now.

Ever in the mood for poetry? I rarely am, but tonight, I'm craving it. I seriously googled "lonely poem" and this is one of the ones I found:

Maya Angelou - Alone

Lying, thinking
Last night
How to find my soul a home
Where water is not thirsty
And bread loaf is not stone
I came up with one thing
And I don't believe I'm wrong
That nobody,
But nobody
Can make it out here alone.

 Alone, all alone
Nobody, but nobody
Can make it out here alone.

There are some millionaires
With money they can't use
Their wives run round like banshees
Their children sing the blues
They've got expensive doctors
To cure their hearts of stone.
But nobody
No, nobody
Can make it out here alone.

Alone, all alone
Nobody, but nobody
Can make it out here alone.

 Now if you listen closely
I'll tell you what I know
Storm clouds are gathering
The wind is gonna blow
The race of man is suffering
And I can hear the moan,
'Cause nobody,
But nobody
Can make it out here alone.

Alone, all alone
Nobody, but nobody
Can make it out here alone.

So true. No man is an island, right?

I am so blessed to have the support system that I do. My family and friends are wonderful. We may not always like each other, but we will always love each other.

I've been in an emotional funk, lately. Not on the outside, of course. You get pretty good at hiding it. Fake it 'til you make it and all that. It's exhausting, but it helps the world continue to turn. I really only notice it when I'm alone. Work, school, the gym, being with friends, have all become blessings simply because I'm not left alone with my thoughts. It doesn't matter what I'm doing, as long as I'm doing something other than thinking.

When I'm alone, doubts swirl around me, threatening to end me. It's a crushing kind of feeling. Like being kicked when you're down.

What if I chose the wrong career? God knows I've made plenty of bad decisions on my way to where I'm at. What if I'm doing it all wrong? What if I'm never actually happy? What if I always feel like I'm treading water? What if I never get to actually live life???

Most of the time, I run away (really, really fast) from these thoughts. Tonight, I kind of want to dwell on them. Soak them in. Let them wash over me. I'm not quite sure why, either.

Well, now that I've let myself marinate in those thoughts, it's time for me to pull myself out of them.

If I chose the wrong career, there's still time to find the right one. However, I don't think I chose the wrong career. Doubt tells me I might have, but I know better. I really was made for this job. I love the adrenaline rush, I love to be the calm in a crisis. I love working with people and being able to help people. I have charisma and have the uncanny ability to put people at ease.

If I'm doing it all wrong, there's time to do it right. No regrets, just learning opportunities.

I may not be happy right now, but I will be someday. I have never been one to choose the easy way. And when you always take the hard road, you're not always going to be happy. But the reward is that much sweeter.

Treading water still means I'm hanging on. I will eventually get my head above water. I am not alone in this, either. I just need to throw a hand out and call for help when I feel like I can't make it.

Whether I like it or not, I am living life. Right now. It may not be what I had in mind originally, but life is happening all around me.

I'll end this on a happier note.

John Keats - To Hope:

When by my solitary hearth I sit,
When no fair dreams before my “mind’s eye” flit,
And the bare heath of life presents no bloom;
Sweet Hope, ethereal balm upon me shed,
And wave thy silver pinions o’er my head.

Whene’er I wander, at the fall of night,
Where woven boughs shut out the moon’s bright ray,
Should sad Despondency my musings fright,
And frown, to drive fair Cheerfulness away,
Peep with the moon-beams through the leafy roof,
And keep that fiend Despondence far aloof.

Should Disappointment, parent of Despair,
Strive for her son to seize my careless heart;
When, like a cloud, he sits upon the air,
Preparing on his spell-bound prey to dart:
Chase him away, sweet Hope, with visage bright,
And fright him as the morning frightens night!

Whene’er the fate of those I hold most dear
Tells to my fearful breast a tale of sorrow,
O bright-eyed Hope, my morbid fancy cheer;
Let me awhile thy sweetest comforts borrow:
Thy heaven-born radiance around me shed,
And wave thy silver pinions o’er my head!

Should e’er unhappy love my bosom pain,
From cruel parents, or relentless fair;
O let me think it is not quite in vain
To sigh out sonnets to the midnight air!
Sweet Hope, ethereal balm upon me shed,
And wave thy silver pinions o’er my head!

In the long vista of the years to roll,
Let me not see our country’s honour fade:
O let me see our land retain her soul,
Her pride, her freedom; and not freedom’s shade.
From thy bright eyes unusual brightness shed—
Beneath thy pinions canopy my head!

Let me not see the patriot’s high bequest,
Great Liberty! how great in plain attire!
With the base purple of a court oppress’d,
Bowing her head, and ready to expire:
But let me see thee stoop from heaven on wings
That fill the skies with silver glitterings!

And as, in sparkling majesty, a star
Gilds the bright summit of some gloomy cloud;
Brightening the half veil’d face of heaven afar:
So, when dark thoughts my boding spirit shroud,
Sweet Hope, celestial influence round me shed,
Waving thy silver pinions o’er my head. 

Hope, Peace and Love. It's what everyone wants (myself included). Well, that and a really nice jacuzzi and 6 weeks paid vacation. ;-)

Family:

Rant:
Family members whose bad moods spread like a wildfire in dry brush.
I had a good day. I woke up and for once I wasn't tired. I showered and was ready to go on time. I made a grocery list of the things that were on sale at several stores and had plans made to shop this evening. I got to school on time. School went well, work went well.

It's all going fine (even the traffic didn't get me down) until I get home. A certain family member was moping in bed. That's fine. People get sick. But this family member then wanted to go shopping with me. Also fine. No biggie. Well, once this person and I get into the first store the mood sours and despite my attempts to stay upbeat and positive, this person just can't help but drag me down.

Long story short, my mood has turned foul. We rode home in silence and haven't spoken since.

Rave:
Losing weight!
So far I have lost 2.5 pounds which is close to the 3 I wanted to lose. If I lose 3 pounds a week until July, I will lose approximately48 pounds in total. I have yet to take measurements (though I should). As depressing as it is to face reality about ones health, it is extremely satisfying to see the results.

Real Simple Daily Thought:

"It is impossible not to love someone who makes toast for you."

—Nigel Slater

Family drives me nuts:

Rant:
Family.
My family is driving me nuts. You just can't seem to win. Maybe now would be a good time to move out? No, probably not. Why? Money doesn't go on trees. If I can work a few more hours each week, I could probably afford to move out. But school is keeping me rather busy. Too busy to add more hours at work.

Rave:
Kelly Clarksons new song.
I hate the title and the fact that she says "suck" in her song, but I LOVE this song. I play it on repeat really, really loudly. And as her voice is several octaves higher than mine, I sing off key. But it's happy off-key singing.

Today's Real Simple Quote:

Anything simple always interests me.

— David Hockney