Let's Talk About: Faith

And by faith, I mean mine specifically. And believe me, it gets pretty darn cheeserific towards the end...

*The Fine Print*: I'm sorry if what I say as this blog continues offends anyone (actually... I'm not that sorry... It's my blog, I say what I want!! :P), but this is not only what I believe, it's what I'm going through right now. I don't care what you believe. I'm not here to beat you over the head with a bible and shove Jesus down your throat. This blog is extremely relevant to my life :) Plus, blogging is soothing. It's almost like a journal entry. A little bit of self therapizing, if you will. :)

But first.... STATISTICS!

According to wikipedia (THE most CREDIBLE website on the planet), approximately 78.4% of Americans identify themselves as Christians (I believe this number includes Catholicism)...

I call myself a Christian... But what does that mean?

Merriam-Webster (even more credible than wikipedia... Incredible, I know...) says a Christian is "one who professes belief in the teachings of Jesus Christ." Well. If we go by that definition, I guess I can actually believe that 3/4 of the nation are Christians.

But professing belief in something and actually following are completely different, right?

Alright. Enough statistics, definitions and random questions... I'd like to get on to the part where I talk about why I'm writing about faith. :)

This new job has tested me in ways I've never been tested. Mentally and emotionally (and sometimes physically), I'm drained.

I've always been relatively self-sufficient. I prefer to do things myself because history has proven I'm the only one I can count on. For a long time I got along doing it all myself.

And then I went to medic school. Actually, my whole EMS career has been divinely orchestrated. Doors were opened that would never have opened on their own. And that was when I realized that if I kept trying to go it alone, I would never make it.

So I started praying. I started talking to God. I started thanking Him for the good things, asking for help with the tough things. There were many, many other things going on during medic school that made it a trying time. I had a TON of anxiety. A ton. I'm pretty sure that's what drove my ex away. (Let's be honest, as awesome as I am now, I was a WRECK during school).

But as soon as I finished school, I stopped talking to God. I stopped praying, stopped doing my devotions. Stopped listening for Him. I mean, every now and then I'd have a crisis and I'd run to Him, but that's not much of a relationship.

The past month or so, I've been asking Him for help. There have been a few days where I literally did not stop praying (those days my prayers went like "Please, please, please let me survive this."). I pray in an effort to get rid of the anxiety.

It's paralyzing, by the way. Anxiety, that is. People feel it differently and there are different levels of anxiety. There were several times driving to work that I was pretty sure I was going to throw up. And sometimes I feel my chest get really tight and it feels like I can't breathe. (that being said, I've never called 911 for this feeling... unlike many of my patients...). I did call my mom though. :) She can usually talk me off my "ledge of panic".

Anyways, I digress.

 The point of this blog is that I have tried again and again to do it all myself and I am failing. Not only am I failing, but I am miserable in the process. As difficult as it is to "let go and let God" (nice little Christian cliche for you), the peace I feel when I do makes it worth it.

Having said that, I must mention the beauty of grace. I cannot count how many times I've messed up. I make poor decisions (consciously!), do dumb things, say the wrong thing, ignore the right thing, do the wrong thing.

Yet I am not loved any less. I am not any less valuable because of my mistakes. THAT is amazing. This is why a relationship with God is much more important to me than religion. Religion is rules. Religion is run by righteous hypocrites. Relationship is based in loved. Relationship allows for mistakes because in relationship there is forgiveness.

(Friends, I highly recommend you read The Shack if you haven't already. It's not everyone's cup of tea, but it's one of my favorite books and it provides some new perspective.)

Sin is sin. But God's love is bigger than my sin.

So as I head into my work week tomorrow, I will remember that I am not alone. Because I know I am not strong enough to do this on my own. It isn't my strength that will get me through this. Sometimes, He has to carry me, just like the Footprints poem.

I now must go study some more, then go to bed (that has become my life... work, sleep, gym, study, sleep, work...).

2012: Hindsight is 20/20

Good Lord, I'm a rambler!! I'm pretty sure this is the most scattered and in-cohesive blog I've ever written... Ha! How fitting! 

I have never in my life needed as much help as I have this year. And that is tough for me. I HATE asking for help. I prefer to be self sufficient and independent. Also, as a control freak, I prefer to do everything myself. Trust and faith have always been difficult for me to practice and this year has been a year full of me learning to trust and have faith.

I have these mini freakouts where I start to feel as if the world is crumbling in on top of me, drowning me. It's how I imagine the Israelites felt as Moses led them through the parted Red Sea.

I'm walking on muddy ground and as high up as I can see, I am surrounded by water. I'm too far in to turn around and there's a long way to go still. There is this feeling of panic as I walk through this period in my life. I'm just waiting for the walls to give in and the water to crash down on me.

"They" say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. In conversation with my dad the other day, I told him between choking sobs, sure it hasn't killed me yet, but I'm just waiting for something to come that does. I'm bending, bending, bending, just waiting for the break.

It's as if I'm walking and the weight on my shoulders and the weight I'm dragging just gets heavier and heavier and I'm practically crawling, just trying to make some progress. (I like to use similes and metaphors, in case you didn't notice...)

But what I have yet to realize is that the walls are still holding. It hasn't killed me yet. I can't give up. I'm more resilient than I thought. There is hope for the future, I just need to hang on. Keep believing, keep working.

I have always been a control freak. When I'm in control, I feel less afraid. But when I'm constantly in control, I'm not forced to deal with the issues that cause the fear.

A quick summary of the year: finished paramedic school, a break-up, lost and gained friends, building new and different relationships, developing different skills.

I have grown in ways I never could have imagined. This year has been one full of learning about myself and growing into who I am.

Looking back, I realize that despite the ups and downs, it was a great year. I was shown over and over again how blessed I am. My family and friends have been a constant source of support, financially, emotionally and physically, sometimes.

As I said earlier, this year has been a constant lesson in trust and faith. It has been an opportunity to see God work in a big and continuous way. It has been a test of my courage. I have had to be braver than I ever thought I could be. I have had to ask for help. I have had to be humble. I have had to pray and trust in God, which does not come easy for me. At all.

I don't regret anything from this past year. I love the person I'm becoming. I love looking back and seeing what has been accomplished and overcome. I love, love, love the stories I have. And I love that I can use what I've gone through to help other people.

There have been moments this past year that when I think of them now, I cry. But there have also been so many moments that make me just stop and smile or laugh.

As we close out 2012, I can't help but feel like 2013 is full of possibilities.

All I need to do is have faith that I'll reach them.

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Be safe, friends and family. Make wise decisions tonight as far as drinking and driving (Don't do it!). Call AAA between 6pm and 6am tonight through tomorrow. 1-800-AAA-HELP. Tow For Life has been around for 26 years and it is available to members and non-members alike.

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Also, after hearing some feedback about this post, please know that I'm in a good place. I'm overwhelmed and stressed out, but I'm not going to give up. :) I'm going to go out for a run, collect my thoughts, pray and get into gear.