Let's Talk About: Faith

And by faith, I mean mine specifically. And believe me, it gets pretty darn cheeserific towards the end...

*The Fine Print*: I'm sorry if what I say as this blog continues offends anyone (actually... I'm not that sorry... It's my blog, I say what I want!! :P), but this is not only what I believe, it's what I'm going through right now. I don't care what you believe. I'm not here to beat you over the head with a bible and shove Jesus down your throat. This blog is extremely relevant to my life :) Plus, blogging is soothing. It's almost like a journal entry. A little bit of self therapizing, if you will. :)

But first.... STATISTICS!

According to wikipedia (THE most CREDIBLE website on the planet), approximately 78.4% of Americans identify themselves as Christians (I believe this number includes Catholicism)...

I call myself a Christian... But what does that mean?

Merriam-Webster (even more credible than wikipedia... Incredible, I know...) says a Christian is "one who professes belief in the teachings of Jesus Christ." Well. If we go by that definition, I guess I can actually believe that 3/4 of the nation are Christians.

But professing belief in something and actually following are completely different, right?

Alright. Enough statistics, definitions and random questions... I'd like to get on to the part where I talk about why I'm writing about faith. :)

This new job has tested me in ways I've never been tested. Mentally and emotionally (and sometimes physically), I'm drained.

I've always been relatively self-sufficient. I prefer to do things myself because history has proven I'm the only one I can count on. For a long time I got along doing it all myself.

And then I went to medic school. Actually, my whole EMS career has been divinely orchestrated. Doors were opened that would never have opened on their own. And that was when I realized that if I kept trying to go it alone, I would never make it.

So I started praying. I started talking to God. I started thanking Him for the good things, asking for help with the tough things. There were many, many other things going on during medic school that made it a trying time. I had a TON of anxiety. A ton. I'm pretty sure that's what drove my ex away. (Let's be honest, as awesome as I am now, I was a WRECK during school).

But as soon as I finished school, I stopped talking to God. I stopped praying, stopped doing my devotions. Stopped listening for Him. I mean, every now and then I'd have a crisis and I'd run to Him, but that's not much of a relationship.

The past month or so, I've been asking Him for help. There have been a few days where I literally did not stop praying (those days my prayers went like "Please, please, please let me survive this."). I pray in an effort to get rid of the anxiety.

It's paralyzing, by the way. Anxiety, that is. People feel it differently and there are different levels of anxiety. There were several times driving to work that I was pretty sure I was going to throw up. And sometimes I feel my chest get really tight and it feels like I can't breathe. (that being said, I've never called 911 for this feeling... unlike many of my patients...). I did call my mom though. :) She can usually talk me off my "ledge of panic".

Anyways, I digress.

 The point of this blog is that I have tried again and again to do it all myself and I am failing. Not only am I failing, but I am miserable in the process. As difficult as it is to "let go and let God" (nice little Christian cliche for you), the peace I feel when I do makes it worth it.

Having said that, I must mention the beauty of grace. I cannot count how many times I've messed up. I make poor decisions (consciously!), do dumb things, say the wrong thing, ignore the right thing, do the wrong thing.

Yet I am not loved any less. I am not any less valuable because of my mistakes. THAT is amazing. This is why a relationship with God is much more important to me than religion. Religion is rules. Religion is run by righteous hypocrites. Relationship is based in loved. Relationship allows for mistakes because in relationship there is forgiveness.

(Friends, I highly recommend you read The Shack if you haven't already. It's not everyone's cup of tea, but it's one of my favorite books and it provides some new perspective.)

Sin is sin. But God's love is bigger than my sin.

So as I head into my work week tomorrow, I will remember that I am not alone. Because I know I am not strong enough to do this on my own. It isn't my strength that will get me through this. Sometimes, He has to carry me, just like the Footprints poem.

I now must go study some more, then go to bed (that has become my life... work, sleep, gym, study, sleep, work...).

Constantly Searching:

Is there a reason that life feels like a constant maze? I feel like something is always missing and I'm always looking for it.

Or perhaps treading water is a better metaphor. I'm not getting anywhere, just barely able to stay afloat. And sometimes, my head goes under.

I'm stressed out. Below, find a brief summary as to why:

I find out tomorrow if Edward has canine diabetes. I'm pretty worried about that. If he does have it, he'll probably need insulin for the rest of his life. That can get expensive, but after price checking insulin, I should be able to afford it. I'm worried that if it isn't diabetes, it's a liver or kidney problem. Now, I'm a poor, poor college student. If he has a serious medical issue, I'm going to have to put him down. And that realization sucks. But I'm not going to get a head of myself. Nothing is confirmed as of yet.

And then there's the whole tell-your-clients-you-need-to-find-a-new-job thing. I'm not ready for the emotional drama that is sure to go down.

Oh, and not to mention the I-haven't-done-what-I-need-to-do-to-get-a-new-job thing! So many things to do, so little time.

Lets not forget about the whole I-enjoy-social-interaction-but-need-more-friends thing. Truthfully, I don't need more friends, I just need more time to hang out with the ones I have!

And I can't ignore the fact that the financial aid I was counting on to pay off my debt, well that fell through. I don't know what to do about that one.

But wait! There's more! I've got it in my head that I need a boyfriend even though I know this is the last thing I need. And I've been flirting with disaster in the form of a man-friend for a few weeks and I don't have a good feeling about this. My head is telling me no, no, no but my body is saying yes, yes, yes. It's a long, complicated, drawn out story. My gut is telling me it will not end nicely. He doesn't respect my values and morals, which is the main problem... Sheesh...

And in this whole mess that is my life, I have stopped consulting the only one I really need to consult: God. Maybe that's the reason for the constantly searching feeling. It always seems to come back to Him, doesn't it?

Having thought about it, I know what I need to do. I know all the answers and the right thing to do. I just need the courage to do them.

Lord, please give me the strength and courage to face my problems head on. Give me the words to say and the knowledge I need.

John 14:27 "Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid."

This scripture is tattooed on my back, but I think I forget about it sometimes. It's what I tend to fall back on when I need reassurance...

Alrighty, enough babbling and incomplete sentences/paragraphs. Time to get ready for school!