If a tree falls in the forest and no one is there to hear it, does it make a sound?

Having struggled with my weight all of my adolescent and adult life, I've become very interested in everything involving total health. By total health, I mean emotional, spiritual, physical, mental health. All of it. The whole kit and caboodle.  I really enjoy reading about new exercises, eating plans, mental exercises, etc. I've been wanting to blog about binge-eating (AKA compulsive overeating) for a while. It's something I struggle with and it is only just starting to be recognized as a legitimate eating disorder.

One of the most common eating disorders, binge-eating disorder (BED) is still not considered a distinct psychiatric condition, according to the Mayo Clinic. Now, everyone overeats at some point in their lives. I mean, for goodness sake, that's what the holidays have become partially about! It's not uncommon for someone to enjoy a heaping plate of delicious holiday foods and even go back for seconds. This is not unusual! It's not healthy, but it's not something to lose sleep over. For some people, however, overeating is a regular thing. It happens consistently, it happens in secret and it happens in mass quantity.

According to the article on binge-eating disorder from the Mayo Clinic, the following are symptoms of BED:

• Eating large amounts of food
• Eating even when you're full
• Eating rapidly during binge episodes
• Feeling that your eating behavior is out of control
• Eating a lot even though you're not hungry
• Depression
• Anxiety
• Frequent dieting, possibly without weight loss
• Frequently eating alone
• Feeling depressed, disgusted or upset about your eating

 There are biological, physiological and environmental factors. The article states that some people may be born with a gene that they inherited that may make them more susceptible to developing an eating disorder. I don't necessarily agree with that. I believe that brain chemistry could be "off" somehow, but saying that there is an eating disorder gene (same goes for violence) goes too far for me. I believe that your environment has everything to do with it. Your environment affects your physiological and emotional factors.

Some risk factors for BED are:

• Being female. Women are slightly more likely than men to develop binge-eating disorder.
• Your age. Although people of any age can have binge-eating disorder, it often begins when people are in late adolescence or their early 20s.
• Family history. If you have close relatives — siblings or parents — who've had an eating disorder, you have an increased risk of developing an eating disorder yourself.
• Dieting. People with binge-eating disorder have a mixed history of dieting — some have dieted to excess dating back to childhood, while others haven't dieted. Dieting may trigger an urge to binge eat.
• Psychological issues. Certain behaviors and emotional problems are more common when you have binge-eating disorder. As with bulimia, you may act impulsively and feel a lack of control over your behavior. You may have a history of depression or substance abuse. Binge eaters may have trouble coping with stressful situations, anger, sadness, boredom and worry.

BED is not qualified as a mental disorder and its validity as an eating disorder is commonly debated among experts. Some think it is a form of bulimia, however, unlike bulimics, binge-eaters don't try to purge the excess calories through vomiting, exercising or other means. The criteria to diagnose mental health conditions are set forth in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM), which is published by the American Psychiatric Association.
DSM diagnostic criteria for binge-eating disorder include:

• Recurrent episodes of binge eating, including eating an abnormally large amount of food and feeling a lack of control over eating
• Binge eating that's associated with at least three of these factors: eating rapidly; eating until you're uncomfortably full; eating large amounts when you're not hungry; eating alone out of embarrassment; or feeling disgusted, depressed or guilty after eating
• Concern about your binge eating
• Binge eating occurs at least twice a week for at least six months
• Binge eating isn't associated with inappropriate methods to compensate for overeating, such as self-induced vomiting

Treatment for BED revolves largely around improving mental and emotional well-being, and can sometimes include a plan for weight loss. The four main types of treatment are psychotherapy, medications, behavioral weight loss therapy and self help strategies.

The article details more specifically the different treatment options. I basically copied and pasted (love copy & paste!) the bullet points from the article into my blog, but hey, whatever works, right? :-)

*****This ends the "scientific" portion of this blog post.:-) *****

I always seem to do my best deep thinking when I'm working at Alice's. I think it's because I'm basically alone with my thoughts. I also seem to do my worst eating when I'm here, also because I'm alone with my thoughts. 

I'm having a really hard time curbing my eating. Portion control is difficult for me to enforce (for lack of a better word). I know the key to a healthy lifestyle is moderation. I know all the right answers, the right foods, the right moves. I seem to be having trouble putting my knowledge into action. I find myself wishing that someone would just tell me what to do. Give me menus, a meal plan, anything. But that can only work for so long. It isn't about dieting, it's about a lifestyle.

Don't you hate it when you know that things need to change and they won't change unless you change? And yes, I realize I said change three times (four). Something needs to happen! I kind of feel like I'm on the cusp of a breakthrough. And thank God. It's about time. How long have my trainers been shoving the "eat better, workout smarter not harder" lines down my throat? Four months? Yeah, it's about time.

It's Been A While:

I've been noticing lately that I'm becoming bitter. I'm too young to be bitter!!!

I'm hoping to blame said bitterness on the fact that I'm overwhelmed and am a tad burned out.

I have been trying really, really hard to focus on the positive things in my life and to count my blessings. I have it so good!

But then I get run down and exhausted and all I want to do is throw myself a pity party.

So I'm going to vent a little bit. Pardon the rant that is about to occur.

I would love, love, love to be able to go on vacations. I would love to travel. I would love to go out every weekend. I would love to do all the fun things people my age are supposed to be doing.

But, I can't.

It's *that* simple.

Between work and school, I just don't have the time. It bums me out every time I have to tell one of my friends "no, I can't hang out with you" or "no, I can't do a road trip/vacation with you". I'm so worried that someday (and someday soon), they will stop asking.

It's hard to explain how badly I want to become a Firefighter Paramedic. It's like I'd been wandering around for 21 years. Lost. I was lost. And suddenly, it all makes sense. It's like, I don't know, coming home, as cheesy as that sounds. I've always been really good with kids, but just being good at something isn't a good enough reason to revolve my future around it. But FireMedic, now that's something I can build on, revolve around, aim for.

I've been spending a lot of time at the gym lately. Too much, apparently, as my knees have been bothering me. I talked to the GTM and he told me, basically, to slow it the eff down. My trainer gave me some specific stretches and the GWM showed me how to foam roll my legs to loosen up the muscles around my knee. Foam rolling also helps elongate the muscles, creating a longer, leaner look (which is an excellent thing).

It really bums me out that I can't work out like I've been working out. In the past week, I've gone from burning about 700 calories a workout to burning around 300 a work out. That's a pretty significant drop. Unfortunately, it means I'm going to have to really watch what I'm eating (which I hate doing and have never really been good at). I've been acting really dramatic about it lately, too. My trainer pointed out to me today "It's not like you tore your ACL." He's right. A week of rest and improving my form will more than likely solve the problem.

It's time to cut the shit. No more drama. No more games. Straight up. This isn't high school. It's time to grow the eff up. Roll with the punches and deal with it.

So that's the new game plan. Less complaining, less dramatic outbursts. More dealing with it, more making the best out of what you've got.

“Do what you can, with what you have, where you are.” ― Theodore Roosevelt

WORD.

So, we meet again:

Nothing like being alone and at work on a Friday night. Oh, wait. Lets add feeling "unwell" to that, too. Can't figure out if it's allergies or an actual cold. I'm leaning toward allergies. Either way, I feel like crap. I only hope I'm feeling better by Monday, preferably Sunday.

I leave Monday afternoon for Hawaii!! Best work trip ever! I have an 8:30 am session that morning before I head up to LAX to board a plane headed for paradise. According to weather bug on my phone, it's supposed to rain the whole time I'm there. Google tells me a different story. Either way, I figure Hawaii is Hawaii, rain or shine. :-)

Wow. I really don't have much to say tonight. I'm sure that will change before the end of this weekend. :-)

The Final Straw:

I find myself becoming frustrated with my progress (or lack thereof) fitness wise. It really bums me out that in the last 2 months, I've only lost 5 pounds. Luckily, I'm dropping inches and body fat and my strength and endurance have increased dramatically. If it weren't for those results, I would be very, very disappointed. Probably disappointed enough to *gulp* give up.

I mentioned my "concerns" to the GM of my gym and he basically flat out told me that even though my act is together as far as working out goes, I need to be doing better as far as what I'm eating. Then, my trainer (who now has a new job and is no longer my trainer) said the same thing after he measured me this last week and not much had changed, despite me working my butt off.

So this is the final straw. I need to revamp my diet. Make better decisions, eat better foods. I'm wasting my time at the gym if I don't take control of my diet.

I feel like things are finally falling into place. I have taken control of my finances (amazingly freeing feeling, by the way), I am making progress in getting a job as an EMT (got my county card Thursday, I go next week for my ambulance drivers license and then I can apply my heart out), I am enjoying the working out and going to the gym and the interactions that have been going on (so, so amusing), school is going well, work is work. Why not take responsibility and regain control of my diet?

I was reading a magazine earlier today that was saying that a Mediterranean diet is one of the healthiest, most filling diets out there. My goal this weekend is to put together some Mediterranean inspired meals and snacks. Perhaps Sunday I can hit the grocery store and get all the ingredients I need, then maybe cook some food for the week.

*Side note: Erik Hassle's album "Hassle" is fantastic. This dude is from Sweden, we share the same birthday (Woo!) and, so far, his album is practically flawless. "Don't Bring Flowers After I'm Dead" and "Hurtful" have been playing on repeat all day. :-)

Ok, back to the matter at hand. Mediterranean foods. The staples of the Mediterranean diet include fresh fruits and vegetables, whole grains, nuts and seeds, legumes, seafood, yogurt, olive oil, and small amounts of wine. Totally doable and totally delicious!

Looks like I have myself a new project for this evening! I should probably study up for the ambu test and the tests I'll have to take when I apply at different ambu companies.

I'll leave you with the lyrics for "Bump in the Road" by none other than Erik Hassle:

"We all must go through it sometime
You're not the first, you know
You stick your head in the sunshine
Don't expect the worst, though

If a bird can sing with a broken wing
You'll learn to bend when the wind blows
The leaves may fall, but the trees stay tall
This is a bump in the road
Don't give up, you will make it
Don't give up, you will make it

We all must go through it sometime,
You're not the first, you know
Love got more hooks than a fish line
Believe it hurts, ooowhh

If a bird can sing with a broken wing
You'll learn to bend when the wind blows
The leaves may fall, but the trees stay tall
Find More lyrics at www.sweetslyrics.com
This is a bump in the road
Don't give up, you will make it
Don't give up, you will make it

(Out of the dark
Into the light
Over the edge
On with your life)

We all must go through it sometime
You're not the first, you know
You stick your head in the sunshine
Don't expect the worst, oowhh

If a bird can sing with a broken wing
You'll learn to bend when the wind blows
The leaves may fall, but the trees stay tall
This is a bump in the road
Don't give up, you will make it
Don't give up, you will make it"

I need to find an ambulance company, and I need to find one now:

I believe the title says it all. I, my friends out in blog world, need to find a job as an EMT. It's been almost 6 months since I passed the class. All I need to do is submit my application for my county card and get my ambulance drivers license and then I can apply my heart out. The sooner I get a job, the better. A friend of a friend was recently hired and listening to his stories is making me realize how much I want to do this. I love kids and I enjoy working with them, but I can't wait to get going on my career! Imagine. Being able to move out! It's a dream of mine. Unfortunately, unless I meet someone who wants to support me through medic school (which will, quite possibly, be one of the most trying times of my life), I shall remain living with my mom. The 5 year plan has me working as a fire medic and living on my own. That's enough to keep me going for now.

On another note, I was feeling super discouraged about things on Monday and after talking to several different people, I started to feel a lot better. Even when things get rough, I've still got it good.

And I must say, despite not being 100% stoked on my weight loss (or lack thereof), I'm really enjoying the gym. I've noticed marked improvement in my endurance and my strength. I also am really enjoying boxing. I channel some rage and let it out on the bag and end up feeling much more relaxed afterwards. An ass kicking workout tends to relax me. I have no energy left to be stressed out.

The moral of the story is that no matter how bad I think things are, I've still got it good.

I'm going to quote one of my favorite songs now. Don't judge me.

"'Cause sometimes you feel tired,
feel weak, and when you feel weak, you feel like you wanna just give up. But you gotta search within you, you gotta find that inner strength and just pull that shit out of you and get that motivation to not give up and not be a quitter, no matter how bad you wanna just fall flat on your face and collapse."

Eminem is one talented dude. I find his songs to be motivating and excellent to workout to. When I'm halfway through a workout and my legs are aching, my lungs are burning and I'm sweating so hard I can't see, one of his songs comes on and I can somehow make it through to the end. "Till I Collapse" by Eminem and "Sacrifice" by Lil' Wayne are my top 2 power songs at the moment. And now having thought about the songs and read the lyrics, I can't wait to workout today! I never thought I would feel this way about working out. I crave it some days.

New moral of the story: Never give up.

When A Dream Dies:

I think I finally got it yesterday. I have set unrealistic goals for my body subconsciously.

My entire life, probably from age 8 on, I have wanted to be "dainty". You know the type I mean. Very feminine, small, cute. The kind of girl guys flock to because they get to feel big and strong around her. THAT girl. I have wanted to be that girl for as long as I can remember. We are trained to want to be that girl, generally speaking. All those princess movies? Yeah, the ones where the princes rescue the princesses? You know what I mean.

Yesterday, my dream of being dainty finally died (It was a slow death). It's never going to happen. I was not built to be dainty. And that makes me sad. I am, essentially, mourning the loss of my dream. When you want something for so long and then you finally discover that you can't ever have it, it's kind of heart breaking. Like, cry-yourself-to-sleep-for-the-first-time-in-years heart breaking.

My mom once told me that when my brother and I were very, very young, she prayed that we wouldn't be "cookie cutter" children (her words, not mine). That we would be different from everyone else around us. And we are. I have spent a lot of time wanting to "fit in" when I wasn't made to fit in. I was created to stand out.

It's difficult to come to terms with that. I know God has big plans for me. Bigger than I have for myself. I just wish He'd let me in on them. Save me some worry.

Aye, there's the rub.

Why should I worry when God is on my side? Faith is such a hard thing to have. Faith and patience. Definitely not my strong suit. I keep forgetting that God cares about the little things simply because that's what I care about. As long as I do my best, then I'm all set.

I'm so blessed. I've got a new dream (that will need an adjusted body image), a job (several, actually) and an incredible support system.

Ok, so here's the agenda:
-Build a new dream regarding body image
-Remember how blessed I am
-Do my best in all that I do

Time for work (which I'm trying to be grateful for, but am finding it difficult when all I want to do is crawl back into bed).

Stupid Mistakes:

So, I know that as human beings we are fallible and we all do stupid things and make stupid decisions. I know this. I'm not special in that I'm the only one who makes mistakes. But sometimes it feels like it. I did something super stupid and dramatic on Sunday that I'm not proud of. Luckily, I have friends that I can tell anything. I confessed my mistake and now feel better about it. But it was a real doozy of a bad call. Thank you for listening, friends! I love you!

You ever have one of those days where the sun shines a little brighter, traffic is a little lighter and you could swear the birds are singing louder as butterflies flutter around you? A really, really, happy day? I think I'm having one of those.

I had a short but effective cardio session and then some strength training. I'm really liking my new trainer. I was worried after our first session that he wouldn't warm up to me, but today went really well. I tend to come off strong in the personality department. That can put people off sometimes. Not this guy, apparently. I'm really pleased with my training experiences at LA Fitness this time around. They've got some really good people in there and I happen to be able to train with a couple of them. :-)

Silly as it may seem, sometimes a smile from someone else can brighten my day. I was already having a pretty smashing morning when I had to stop on the way home for some construction work that was being done. I was first in line and I was getting my groove on (badly, but I was having a good time) to A Fine Frenzy's "Happier" when the guy with the stop sign smiled really, really big and then swept his hand in an outward motion indicating that I could go ahead. The way he did it was just SOOO FUNNY. Like a little bow, almost. I couldn't help but smile back and then I started laugh. Oh man, silly I know. But it made my morning a little better.

Sometimes being happy is a choice. A conscious decision. And sometimes, it comes naturally. Fake it 'til you make it, people.

I'm finding that being grateful has caused a huge shift in my day-to-day outlook. I have so much to be thankful for, even when it's all going wrong. They say misery loves company, but happiness draws people in and keeps them there. People like to be around people who make them feel good.

I suppose I should go get ready for the rest of my happy day. :-)

Today's Goals:
-Keep a grateful heart
-Make healthy decisions
-Be happy :-)