How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

I went to the gym today and remembered that I was supposed to weigh myself before working out (I got this whole lecture from my trainer on when to weigh yourself and how many days from your cheat day to do this and that and yadda yadda yadda). So I hop off the step mill and onto the scale. WTF?! I GAINED 2 pounds??? All the calorie counting and working out has done NOTHING? I get off the scale and walk back over to the step mill. At this point, I can't figure out if I want to cry or simply rage. I settle for mind numbing stair climbing.

My legs start to burn at the 15 minute mark so I head over to the elliptical. That's when I start thinking about those 2 pounds. 2 pounds. 2 pounds. 2 pounds. It loops in my mind as I sweat it out. I flag down the GTM and tell him about those 2 pounds. He tells me not to worry about them, saying I look like I'm losing inches which is more important than weight. Another trainer makes a sarcastic remark which successfully puts things into perspective and makes me laugh (2 birds with one stone). So I finish my workout feeling a little bit better.

I leave the gym and head over to Alice's. As I'm driving, I let my mind wander. I think about all the fun things I've missed out on because I'm constantly working or studying or being responsible (Example: "No, I can't stay out late because I have work/school/responsibilities that night/the next morning".). I could have gone to the beach today. I could have hung out last night with a friend who was leaving to go back to Seattle who I won't see for several months. But no. I had work.

I just need a moment to rant. I'm so over working. I really am. I'm not even doing what I really want to do, either. I'm doing something I'm good at so I can have money to support myself, money to reach my goals. I have this dream and I want it so bad I can see it, touch it. But I'm so sick of having no life outside of that dream.

Is there such a thing as being too driven or too goal oriented? Like, is there a point at which it becomes too much?

I guess it depends on the goal, right?

I mean, I've never done things the easy way. I could have been a teacher. I had myself convinced that's what I wanted to be for a while. But no. 3 years of college and I switch majors. I switch from Liberal Studies to Kinesiology. And then I move from Kinesiology to Firefighter Paramedic. No, I didn't take the easy way out.

I will always remember my dad telling me to choose to do something I love. "If you are doing something you love, it won't feel like work," he'd say. And it's true. So is the drive worth it? Is it worth missing out on the cliched experiences the majority of those in their 20's go through?

That's what I was asking myself on the drive from Escondido to Oceanside. For a little bit, I had even begun to plan my pity party for this evening. It involved crying and some form or another of Dane Cooks "I did my best" bit. However, upon arrival at Alice's, I had to push the pity party back. I had work to do, per usual.

That brings us to this current moment. I'm lying on the bed in the room I stay in ("my" room... for the weekend, at least) writing this blog. Looking back over my past blogs, they all seem to have a common thought process. It starts out with me whining about something that happened, then I move on to whining about how much my life sucks, then I move on to talking about how badly I want to be a FireMedic. It usually ends with me making a statement about how lucky/grateful/blessed I am. Why can't I just skip all the melodrama and just be lucky/grateful/blessed?

Eh, who knows. I suppose it's OK to have these moments as long as I don't let them overwhelm me and take over.

This is not forever. This is not permanent. Sure I don't get to see my friends or family as often as I'd like. Sure I can't afford to take road trips or vacations. Sure I feel like I am one of the most boring people you will ever meet. But this is not forever. This is not permanent.


I think it's time to accept my fate. I work hard. I like to go to bed early. I like to wake up early. I like to workout and be pushed past my limit. I like being responsible. I don't know why I start to wonder about the other life I could have led when it's obvious this is the one I was meant to live.

On another note, exciting news! My brother and I found an apartment! We move in a week! I also applied to several ambulance companies. Now the waiting game begins. Hopefully I'll be working as an EMT in the next month or so. *fingers crossed*

Perhaps it's time to end this long, run-on sentence of a blog. I often wonder how much sense I actually make in this thing. Probably not much. But that's OK. At least my head is clear. It's time to go back to taking it one day at a time. Or even one hour at a time. And at this time, I am looking forward to sleep. Yay for sleep!

Skinny Jeans:

And by "skinny jeans" I mean the jeans you keep in your closet that are a size or two smaller than what you normally wear that you're saving for when you lose weight. You know, those skinny jeans?

Well, I have a suitcase of skinny clothes, most just a size down from where I was when I decided to remove them from my sight about a year ago. Nothing depresses me quite like a closet full of clothes that are too small.

Lately, I've been having trouble finding things to wear simply because nothing fits like it used to. Granted, I tend to like my clothes to be on the tighter side (Andrea has dubbed me The Tight Monster), but I can handle it when things are a bit baggy. However, the jean situation I'm in is ridiculous! Example: I can now pull off all of my favorite jeans without unbuttoning/unzipping them. I work with children. Do you know how awful it is to be carrying a 3 year old and have a four year old pull on your pants, only to have them slide right off??  

Well, Sarah, why don't you wear a belt?

I asked myself that very question. So I went into my closet in search of a belt. I love my Seven jeans and want to continue wearing them, I just don't need any trouble with the law when I do wear them ("public indecency" anyone?). This is when I find out that not only are all but one or two of my belts too big, but wearing them with baggy jeans makes me look and feel even bulkier than before. Great. Excellent. Superb.

That's when it hit me.

The Skinny Suitcase! Yes! Surely I can wear some of my skinny clothes!

So I throw open my closet doors, grab said Skinny Suitcase and throw it on the bed (and I totally swung it up there with ease. Thanks trainers!). I open the suitcase and find not one, not two, not three, but FOUR pairs of jeans! I felt like I won the poor-college-student-whose-clothes-don't-fit lottery. At this point, I start to feel giddy. I find my favorite "flirt" and "sweetheart" jeans from Old Navy and a few pairs from Andrea (skinny ho-bag. But thanks for your clothing!).

This is the bittersweet part of the story. My "flirt" jeans no longer fit. My Kenneth Cole button up jeans (love them) slip right off. The "sweetheart" jeans are still a tad snug, as are one of the pairs from Andrea, but this is reassuring. I'll have at least one pair of jeans for the next couple of pant sizes down.

Even my favorite workout pants are too baggy to wear. I discovered this in the middle of a session when I was doing this odd plank-walking-hands thing and halfway through each set, my pants would sink dangerously low (very gangsta-like, which is fitting of my gangsta-ness, but very unattractive).

I have decided that I am going to look at this positively. It is a good problem to have. And luckily, it's summer time. I can get away with wearing dresses and skirts and bathing suits (oh warm weather, how I love thee).

I have also decided that tomorrow it's back on the calorie-counting bandwagon. It's funny. A couple of days ago, I got a mini-lecture about my eating habits (again). And of course, the rebellious, eff-you part of me allowed the more sensible part of me to be led astray and the evenings have been a little "binge-y" around my neck of the woods. But binge-y no more, I say! Tomorrow is a new day!

On another note, I made the worlds most fantastic chocolate chip cookies. They are perfect. Chewy, but not too chewy. Just chocolate chippy enough to rock my world. Before I go to bed tonight, I'm going to figure out how many calories are in each cookie. The recipe says it yields 60 cookies. Yeah, right. What are they, the size of quarters?? I got 28 cookies out of that recipe. I'm guessing each cookie is about 350 calories. We shall found out later tonight. I've been baking a lot lately. I'm trying to get my cooking/baking skills up to par so when I finally make it into a fire station, I'll be able to make decent meals for my "coworkers".

Also, this evening has been a fantastically productive evening musically. A lil' Brandy, some Lil' Jon, some 3oh!3, some Taio Cruz, some David Nail, a few top 40 lists. I love having new music. It makes me actually want to get up in the morning and go to work. I also get to lay down some new car dancing moves. It makes traffic fun. "Oh man, that red mini van has already seen that move. Time to bust out a new one!" Yeah, that's how I roll.

You know what's stressful? Trying to find a new job and an apartment at the same time. Especially when your housemate is being no help at all, except for offering criticism when I suggest an apartment (and let me tell you, there's nothing constructive about this criticism). 

I'm thinking it's time for me to wrap up this here blog post and hit the showers. Well, tub, actually. A good long soak in a tub of hot water is just what this body of mine needs. I have a busy weekend of packing, studying and cooking ahead of me.

Growing up is scary!

Well, the time has come. It's time to leave the nest, so to speak. My brother and I are moving out. No more living with our parents. I'm grateful that he'll be moving in with me. He's big (6'5", 260+ lbs) and he can help take care of my special needs, diabetic dog.

We found an apartment complex we like that has several town homes that will be available in our time frame. I'm working on the application over the next few days (I need to get letters from my employers proving that I've had steady work. A downfall of being paid under the table and not paying taxes) and then I'll turn it in. I am praying we get accepted! If we get accepted, then I have a whole bunch of new things to worry about. The deposit is what worries me the most. I can get the rent together no problem, but then to have to find deposit money, too? That's a lot. Rent is around $1150/mo and they'll need that upfront. The deposit will be at least that much, probably more because of our bad/new credit and the pets. I'm planning on having to have $1500 for the deposit and I'm hoping that's a really horrible overestimation. So, essentially, between my brother and I, we need to have around $2650 by the time we move in. Gah!! Just seeing that number sent chills down my spine!

*sigh* I wish I had been born into a family of extreme wealth, but had been raised with the same work ethic and values. It's too bad money is what makes the world go round. And now it's time to start job hunting, too! More stress! Might as well have the world on my shoulders...

Growing up is scary. And expensive.

****Side Note****

This is my official Jonas Brother hate statement: Whichever one of you dated Taylor Swift, ending it with her was the worst decision ever. Or if she ended it, then whatever you did to make her end it was the worst thing you've ever done. You suck. And your music is too whiny for even me to enjoy. I can handle 5 minutes, tops. Maybe 10, if I'm having an especially good day. I dislike you immensely. That is all.

If a tree falls in the forest and no one is there to hear it, does it make a sound?

Having struggled with my weight all of my adolescent and adult life, I've become very interested in everything involving total health. By total health, I mean emotional, spiritual, physical, mental health. All of it. The whole kit and caboodle.  I really enjoy reading about new exercises, eating plans, mental exercises, etc. I've been wanting to blog about binge-eating (AKA compulsive overeating) for a while. It's something I struggle with and it is only just starting to be recognized as a legitimate eating disorder.

One of the most common eating disorders, binge-eating disorder (BED) is still not considered a distinct psychiatric condition, according to the Mayo Clinic. Now, everyone overeats at some point in their lives. I mean, for goodness sake, that's what the holidays have become partially about! It's not uncommon for someone to enjoy a heaping plate of delicious holiday foods and even go back for seconds. This is not unusual! It's not healthy, but it's not something to lose sleep over. For some people, however, overeating is a regular thing. It happens consistently, it happens in secret and it happens in mass quantity.

According to the article on binge-eating disorder from the Mayo Clinic, the following are symptoms of BED:

• Eating large amounts of food
• Eating even when you're full
• Eating rapidly during binge episodes
• Feeling that your eating behavior is out of control
• Eating a lot even though you're not hungry
• Depression
• Anxiety
• Frequent dieting, possibly without weight loss
• Frequently eating alone
• Feeling depressed, disgusted or upset about your eating

 There are biological, physiological and environmental factors. The article states that some people may be born with a gene that they inherited that may make them more susceptible to developing an eating disorder. I don't necessarily agree with that. I believe that brain chemistry could be "off" somehow, but saying that there is an eating disorder gene (same goes for violence) goes too far for me. I believe that your environment has everything to do with it. Your environment affects your physiological and emotional factors.

Some risk factors for BED are:

• Being female. Women are slightly more likely than men to develop binge-eating disorder.
• Your age. Although people of any age can have binge-eating disorder, it often begins when people are in late adolescence or their early 20s.
• Family history. If you have close relatives — siblings or parents — who've had an eating disorder, you have an increased risk of developing an eating disorder yourself.
• Dieting. People with binge-eating disorder have a mixed history of dieting — some have dieted to excess dating back to childhood, while others haven't dieted. Dieting may trigger an urge to binge eat.
• Psychological issues. Certain behaviors and emotional problems are more common when you have binge-eating disorder. As with bulimia, you may act impulsively and feel a lack of control over your behavior. You may have a history of depression or substance abuse. Binge eaters may have trouble coping with stressful situations, anger, sadness, boredom and worry.

BED is not qualified as a mental disorder and its validity as an eating disorder is commonly debated among experts. Some think it is a form of bulimia, however, unlike bulimics, binge-eaters don't try to purge the excess calories through vomiting, exercising or other means. The criteria to diagnose mental health conditions are set forth in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM), which is published by the American Psychiatric Association.
DSM diagnostic criteria for binge-eating disorder include:

• Recurrent episodes of binge eating, including eating an abnormally large amount of food and feeling a lack of control over eating
• Binge eating that's associated with at least three of these factors: eating rapidly; eating until you're uncomfortably full; eating large amounts when you're not hungry; eating alone out of embarrassment; or feeling disgusted, depressed or guilty after eating
• Concern about your binge eating
• Binge eating occurs at least twice a week for at least six months
• Binge eating isn't associated with inappropriate methods to compensate for overeating, such as self-induced vomiting

Treatment for BED revolves largely around improving mental and emotional well-being, and can sometimes include a plan for weight loss. The four main types of treatment are psychotherapy, medications, behavioral weight loss therapy and self help strategies.

The article details more specifically the different treatment options. I basically copied and pasted (love copy & paste!) the bullet points from the article into my blog, but hey, whatever works, right? :-)

*****This ends the "scientific" portion of this blog post.:-) *****

I always seem to do my best deep thinking when I'm working at Alice's. I think it's because I'm basically alone with my thoughts. I also seem to do my worst eating when I'm here, also because I'm alone with my thoughts. 

I'm having a really hard time curbing my eating. Portion control is difficult for me to enforce (for lack of a better word). I know the key to a healthy lifestyle is moderation. I know all the right answers, the right foods, the right moves. I seem to be having trouble putting my knowledge into action. I find myself wishing that someone would just tell me what to do. Give me menus, a meal plan, anything. But that can only work for so long. It isn't about dieting, it's about a lifestyle.

Don't you hate it when you know that things need to change and they won't change unless you change? And yes, I realize I said change three times (four). Something needs to happen! I kind of feel like I'm on the cusp of a breakthrough. And thank God. It's about time. How long have my trainers been shoving the "eat better, workout smarter not harder" lines down my throat? Four months? Yeah, it's about time.

It's Been A While:

I've been noticing lately that I'm becoming bitter. I'm too young to be bitter!!!

I'm hoping to blame said bitterness on the fact that I'm overwhelmed and am a tad burned out.

I have been trying really, really hard to focus on the positive things in my life and to count my blessings. I have it so good!

But then I get run down and exhausted and all I want to do is throw myself a pity party.

So I'm going to vent a little bit. Pardon the rant that is about to occur.

I would love, love, love to be able to go on vacations. I would love to travel. I would love to go out every weekend. I would love to do all the fun things people my age are supposed to be doing.

But, I can't.

It's *that* simple.

Between work and school, I just don't have the time. It bums me out every time I have to tell one of my friends "no, I can't hang out with you" or "no, I can't do a road trip/vacation with you". I'm so worried that someday (and someday soon), they will stop asking.

It's hard to explain how badly I want to become a Firefighter Paramedic. It's like I'd been wandering around for 21 years. Lost. I was lost. And suddenly, it all makes sense. It's like, I don't know, coming home, as cheesy as that sounds. I've always been really good with kids, but just being good at something isn't a good enough reason to revolve my future around it. But FireMedic, now that's something I can build on, revolve around, aim for.

I've been spending a lot of time at the gym lately. Too much, apparently, as my knees have been bothering me. I talked to the GTM and he told me, basically, to slow it the eff down. My trainer gave me some specific stretches and the GWM showed me how to foam roll my legs to loosen up the muscles around my knee. Foam rolling also helps elongate the muscles, creating a longer, leaner look (which is an excellent thing).

It really bums me out that I can't work out like I've been working out. In the past week, I've gone from burning about 700 calories a workout to burning around 300 a work out. That's a pretty significant drop. Unfortunately, it means I'm going to have to really watch what I'm eating (which I hate doing and have never really been good at). I've been acting really dramatic about it lately, too. My trainer pointed out to me today "It's not like you tore your ACL." He's right. A week of rest and improving my form will more than likely solve the problem.

It's time to cut the shit. No more drama. No more games. Straight up. This isn't high school. It's time to grow the eff up. Roll with the punches and deal with it.

So that's the new game plan. Less complaining, less dramatic outbursts. More dealing with it, more making the best out of what you've got.

“Do what you can, with what you have, where you are.” ― Theodore Roosevelt

WORD.

So, we meet again:

Nothing like being alone and at work on a Friday night. Oh, wait. Lets add feeling "unwell" to that, too. Can't figure out if it's allergies or an actual cold. I'm leaning toward allergies. Either way, I feel like crap. I only hope I'm feeling better by Monday, preferably Sunday.

I leave Monday afternoon for Hawaii!! Best work trip ever! I have an 8:30 am session that morning before I head up to LAX to board a plane headed for paradise. According to weather bug on my phone, it's supposed to rain the whole time I'm there. Google tells me a different story. Either way, I figure Hawaii is Hawaii, rain or shine. :-)

Wow. I really don't have much to say tonight. I'm sure that will change before the end of this weekend. :-)

The Final Straw:

I find myself becoming frustrated with my progress (or lack thereof) fitness wise. It really bums me out that in the last 2 months, I've only lost 5 pounds. Luckily, I'm dropping inches and body fat and my strength and endurance have increased dramatically. If it weren't for those results, I would be very, very disappointed. Probably disappointed enough to *gulp* give up.

I mentioned my "concerns" to the GM of my gym and he basically flat out told me that even though my act is together as far as working out goes, I need to be doing better as far as what I'm eating. Then, my trainer (who now has a new job and is no longer my trainer) said the same thing after he measured me this last week and not much had changed, despite me working my butt off.

So this is the final straw. I need to revamp my diet. Make better decisions, eat better foods. I'm wasting my time at the gym if I don't take control of my diet.

I feel like things are finally falling into place. I have taken control of my finances (amazingly freeing feeling, by the way), I am making progress in getting a job as an EMT (got my county card Thursday, I go next week for my ambulance drivers license and then I can apply my heart out), I am enjoying the working out and going to the gym and the interactions that have been going on (so, so amusing), school is going well, work is work. Why not take responsibility and regain control of my diet?

I was reading a magazine earlier today that was saying that a Mediterranean diet is one of the healthiest, most filling diets out there. My goal this weekend is to put together some Mediterranean inspired meals and snacks. Perhaps Sunday I can hit the grocery store and get all the ingredients I need, then maybe cook some food for the week.

*Side note: Erik Hassle's album "Hassle" is fantastic. This dude is from Sweden, we share the same birthday (Woo!) and, so far, his album is practically flawless. "Don't Bring Flowers After I'm Dead" and "Hurtful" have been playing on repeat all day. :-)

Ok, back to the matter at hand. Mediterranean foods. The staples of the Mediterranean diet include fresh fruits and vegetables, whole grains, nuts and seeds, legumes, seafood, yogurt, olive oil, and small amounts of wine. Totally doable and totally delicious!

Looks like I have myself a new project for this evening! I should probably study up for the ambu test and the tests I'll have to take when I apply at different ambu companies.

I'll leave you with the lyrics for "Bump in the Road" by none other than Erik Hassle:

"We all must go through it sometime
You're not the first, you know
You stick your head in the sunshine
Don't expect the worst, though

If a bird can sing with a broken wing
You'll learn to bend when the wind blows
The leaves may fall, but the trees stay tall
This is a bump in the road
Don't give up, you will make it
Don't give up, you will make it

We all must go through it sometime,
You're not the first, you know
Love got more hooks than a fish line
Believe it hurts, ooowhh

If a bird can sing with a broken wing
You'll learn to bend when the wind blows
The leaves may fall, but the trees stay tall
Find More lyrics at www.sweetslyrics.com
This is a bump in the road
Don't give up, you will make it
Don't give up, you will make it

(Out of the dark
Into the light
Over the edge
On with your life)

We all must go through it sometime
You're not the first, you know
You stick your head in the sunshine
Don't expect the worst, oowhh

If a bird can sing with a broken wing
You'll learn to bend when the wind blows
The leaves may fall, but the trees stay tall
This is a bump in the road
Don't give up, you will make it
Don't give up, you will make it"