Update July 2011:

Well, I was accepted into paramedic school! YAY!! I start in August.

However, that brought to light a whole bunch of other problems. Money being the biggest issue, while finding a home for my dog runs a close second. Now, I have a feeling that money is ALWAYS going to be an issue.

I quit my EMT job at Care at the beginning of July to pick up some nannying jobs, some petsitting jobs and take a trip to visit some friends in AZ (Arizona in August?! I must be crazy!). Unfortunately, the nannying hasn't been as expected and aside from a couple of petsitting jobs, I don't have any more lined up at the moment. I'm stressing out a little bit.

*side note* About an hour and a half has gone by since I wrote the above paragraph.

Well, when I started this blog I was feeling pretty blue. Money, school, relationships. They were all getting to me. Money and school are still on my mind, but I'm feeling a smidge better about the whole relationships thing. I made some steps tonight that turned out better than I thought they would. I made a few decisions and I didn't know how I'd feel about those decisions but I made them anyway. So far, I'm feeling pretty good. But we all know feelings are fickle.

I've noticed I've been trying to do a lot of things on my own lately. I have wandered, once again, from placing my trust in God and gave been trying to put it in myself. I'm making it work, but I'm exhausted! And that treading water feeling sneaks in more often than it did when I let go and let God.

I feel hypocritical, though, asking God for help when I know I'm putting up this huge fight and 'm not letting Him into every area in my life. I don't believe that God is only allowed into the areas I want him in, so instead of giving it all up, I keep it all to myself.

My mom asks me this one question a couple of times a month: have you prayed about it? And my answer is always no. She suggests I give it a try. And like I said before, it's exhausting trying to do this by myself but I don't want to give everything up. To be frank, I like my sin just how I like it. Does that make sense? I hope it doesn't sound too weird. It made sense in my head (it still does. I get what I mean, lol). I'm not willing to make a life change at this point. Sounds stupid, I know, but I acknowledge this. I take responsibility for this.

This is part of the process of change, I know. When I start to feel restless like this, it usually means that not only do I need to change something up, but that I will change something up shortly. Makes me wonder what is in store for me in the next month or so.

August 22nd marks the end of my world as I know it. I will officially be a paramedic in training. I feel like the majority of my time will be spent studying, sleeping and in class. I'm worried I won't see my friends. I know I won't see them as often, but I'm worried that they'll "forget" me or move on to new friends and, essentially, leave me behind. I mean, sure, we all make new friends all the time. And, in all fairness, I'll be making new friends in class and I will see these people and spend more time with these people than with my friends and family. I have to keep reminding myself that this will all be worth it.

I have been hearing chatter lately that most male firefighters dislike working with female firefighters. I'm not going to lie and say this wasn't discouraging to hear. It made me questions whether or not I can do this or if I really even wanted to do this. I don't see myself being a single role medic for several reasons, mostly money. The idea of the brotherhood in a fire department is a big draw for me. These guys will be my brothers. And I will be their sister. No matter how much I second guess myself, I know I can do it. I know I can. I can do the same job the men can do and I can do it well. I know I'll have to prove myself. No one gets accepted into the brotherhood without being tested. I worry about the extent of the testing and how I'll be treated but I wasn't born to take the easy way.

I remember people telling me when I was little (I had to be somewhere around 10 or 11) that they see me as a leader. A lot of people got an image from The Lion King. The one where Nala pins Simba. Apparently, I'll beat out the boys. :-)

On that note, it's time for me to go to bed. My nanny work was canceled for tomorrow (this does not help the anxiety...) and I'm going to be productive. I will find SOMETHING to do.

Stormy Weather:

First off, He is risen!! Happy Easter, everyone!!

Last night I had a series of weird dreams. And I mean WEIRD. The one common element among these dreams was that there was a huge storm rolling in and I was constantly searching for shelter. Imagine standing on a dock and looking out over the ocean and seeing this roaring wall of rain coming at you. Wind, rain, fog. The storm hits and you're surrounded in darkness. You can't see, breathe or move. It's paralyzing.

In the last dream (or what I think was the last dream), I finally found a place to take cover. It was a strangers apartment in a ghetto area of what was supposed to be Vista. It reeked of wet dogs and dirty dishes. Two heavy-set women sitting on a dirty, sunken couch. My friend and I ran in and I locked the door behind me. "Smart girl," said the older of the two women. It was at this point that I woke up.

Now, I dream a lot. I don't usually remember my dreams, I just wake up with the knowledge that I had a dream. So when I woke up, I was like, What does it mean to dream about storms?!

According to Dream Moods Dictionary:

"Storm

To see a storm in your dream, signifies some overwhelming struggle, shock, loss or catastrophe in your waking life. The storm also represents unexpressed fears or emotions, such as anger, rage, turmoil, etc. On a more positive note, the storm symbolizes your rising spirituality. It may signal rapid changes ahead for you.

To dream that you take cover in a storm, foretells that whatever disturbance or problems is occurring in your life will quickly blow over. Consider also the phrase "weather the storm", which refers to your ability and strength to withstand whatever comes. "

The Curious Dreamer says:

Storm

• Challenges, rough times, or turbulence in life or in relationships
• Rage, anger, frustration, or other upset feelings

So, it seems the general idea is pretty much an angry one involving the facing of challenges.

Has anyone ever heard the concept that fear is the basis of anger? Let's think about it. What was the last thing you were angry about? For me, it was driving home from work yesterday. People were tailgating me, driving too slow, merging into lanes that weren't open, etc. And that made me mad! But my anger stemmed from the fear that someone (including myself) would get hurt. Another example. I get mad at my dog when he wakes me up all throughout the night. My anger is coming from the fear of a) not being able to figure out what's wrong and b) not getting enough sleep which causes me to worry about what will happen the following day.

If a storm in a dream symbolizes rage, anger, turmoil, then it must symbolize extreme and unfathomable fear. The question now becomes, what am I afraid of? This question can be answered with a loooong list of possibilities.

Today, I challenge you to make a list of things that make you mad. Big, small, silly, legitimate. After you've made your list (I bet my list will be loooooong), try to find the root fear.

Here are a few examples from my own list:

1) I'm mad about money ---> I'm afraid I won't have enough to pay my bills.
2) I'm mad that I don't have more free time ---> I'm afraid I won't be able to get my errands done and that I won't be able to enjoy my life fully.
3) I'm mad I have to wait to find out if I was accepted into paramedic school ---> I'm afraid I didn't get in. If I don't get in, I don't know what the next step is.

There are other things on my list, but it get's pretty personal and specific. Just the act of making the list, however, helps me to see what fears are rational, meaning my anger is not just me wasting energy. What it all comes down to is this: We are all very blessed and we are much more capable than we think we are when it comes to facing difficult times and situations. If we connect the anger with the fear and acknowledge the fear, our lives become much less stormy! Fingers crossed I have better dreams tonight.

Have a blessed Easter!

I'm just a shadow of myself:

*Disclaimer: I'm a tad on the tired side, so I apologize ahead of time for any incoherency. :-)

I stumbled upon this poem today. It's by Adam Smith:

I am a shadow of myself
Not nearly what I was before
I do everything that I can
But I don’t know who I am anymore
I try to accomplish the things I need to do
But there is no hope for me
No one to help see me through
Maybe I could re-invent myself
And become someone new
But I do need a little hope
To help see me through

I've been thinking about the idea of identity lately. According to dictionary.com, identity is defined as the condition of being oneself or itself, and not another. What forms each persons identity? Is identity static or does it adapt?

Our choices and experiences mold and form our identities. That being said, I'm pretty sure identity is adaptive. As we go through life, we grow up and we learn. It is this knowledge (and what we do with it) that plays a huge role in our identity.

I've learned quite a bit about myself in the past couple of months (it's been two months since my last blog!!). I've learned that I'm capable of much more than I ever imagined physically (dragging 400 lbs around the gym), mentally (passed Medic Prep! Wooo!) and emotionally. I've also learned that I am much, much more selfish than I ever imagined. I have little self control, almost no concept of delayed gratification and no respect for other peoples feelings.

Events from the past few days especially have made me particularly ashamed of myself. I've never known myself to trample on another persons feelings simply because I wanted the attention. Never before have I spent an extended period of time convincing myself I'm capable of doing things I never wanted to do just so I'll fit in and "belong". Things I once valued I've tossed into the wind only to find they held (and still hold) much more meaning to me than I ever thought they would. I have behaved in a very un Christ-like way and this realization hit me like a ton of bricks about 11 hours ago.

Maybe I'm being too hard on myself. But then again, maybe I'm not. I want so much for myself and for my life yet I never imagined I'd be behaving this way. I seem to have lost myself in the day-to-day grind. An extreme and profound desire to be noticed and to be paid attention to seems to have overridden any common sense I possess.

I called a friend earlier (a couple of friends, actually) in an effort to find my way back and she made a good point. She basically said that while I had lost my way, I hadn't lost who I was. You're better than this, she said, and you know it. I sighed and agreed that I am better than this and I do know it. I made a few apologies and some mental notes and have decided to find the old me. I don't want to be a shadow of myself. I want to be me. What was important before is still important (I know this to be true after having spent over a year trying to talk myself into being a different person).

So, in summary, I must apologize for my behavior. Those of you reading this who know what I'm talking about, this is an apology to you. I lost who I was and in turn became a poor friend. Please forgive me.

I made things so complicated. All it takes is honesty, taking responsibility and doing the right thing to keep things uncomplicated. A difficult but simple plan of action. One I aim to follow.

(I will probably reread this at some point and just be appalled at the grammatical errors and lack of fluidity...)

I hope to be able to locate the old me soon. I miss the drive I used to have. The passion for right and wrong. Lucky for me, second chances (or third, or fourth, or fifth, ... or one hundred) come with each new day, as cheesy as it sounds.

In an effort to bring this new day around sooner, I'm going to sleep!

An Open Letter:

Dear Family and Friends,

As many of you know, I decided almost 2 years ago to embark on a new career path. The debate on what I should do with the rest of my life had been going on ever since graduation from high school in 2005. I started out wanting to become a teacher. This is something everyone has always told me I would be good at and it's something I enjoy. After spending a little over 2 years at a community college with Liberal Studies in mind, it occurred to me that while I enjoy teaching, it isn't something I want to do as a career. A few months after that, I thought I had finally found my ideal major: kinesiology. I had lost weight and my health and mood had improved greatly and this was in direct correlation to leading a healthier lifestyle. I wanted to study why food and weight affects people the way it does and I wanted to help people who were in a situation that I had seemingly conquered. I am still fascinated by the direct relationship between food, exercise and mood. However, after taking a required First Responder class, I discovered what I believe to be my true passion, becoming a Paramedic (and maybe with a little Firefighter on the side).

Emergency medicine has always been glamorized. Shows like E.R. and Trauma show smart, beautiful people saving lives at a fast pace. I'm not going to lie and tell you this wasn't part of the attraction. But for those of you that have read my previous blogs, you know that's not the main reason I want to become a Paramedic. If you've ever had to call 911, it probably wasn't because everything was going just fine and dandy. You probably called because everything was going wrong. So wrong, you couldn't fix it on your own and you couldn't wait for a friend, family, or a doctors appointment. This means that you know the way it feels when someone who knows what to do shows up. You feel safer, relieved (and you usually start to feel better!). I have said this before, but I want to do that for people. I want to be someone's calm in the chaos. I love the fast pace, the adrenaline rush. And, in all honesty, I love that it is not prolonged care. I'm not with someone for days at a time. Essentially, I pick up, treat, transport, drop off. It's quick and effective. There are other aspects to this career that I enjoy, too. Probably too many to list, so I'm not going to try.

The path I have chosen is arduous and life consuming. It took hard work to get to where I am now and it will take more hard work to get to where I want to be. That's what this blog is about. I want you all to know what will be happening in the next year or two.

As of right now, I am an EMT employed by a private ambulance company where I work 40+ hours a week. I also nanny 1-2 days a week, if time permits. At the end of this month, I will begin Paramedic Prep (which is just what it sounds like it is: a class that prepares you for the Paramedic Program). I will be in school 2 days a week and I will be working 5 days a week for a little over a month. After that class, I will hopefully be beginning the San Diego County Fire Authority Volunteer Firefighter Academy in El Cajon. Once that academy is completed, I will be volunteering one day a week at a fire station. I will, presumably, still be employed with the ambulance company, as well as still nannying. This means I will be busy 6-7 days a week. Come August, I hope to have been accepted into the Paramedic Program. This will launch me into a very busy, hectic schedule of class work and then eventually clinical and internship hours. I plan to resign from the ambulance company and nanny 2-3 days a week during this time. I have no idea how busy I will be. I'm assuming I will be in class 3 days a week (all day), working 2-3, studying the rest of the time. Following my completion of the Paramedic Program, I plan on going into the Fire Academy offered at Palomar. In order to do this, I will need to be getting myself physically ready prior to beginning the academy. This means that on top of school and work, I will also be in a training of sorts in preparation for the academy. At the end of this whole process, I hope to be employed at a fire station in North San Diego County. I don't have a real time line, though I have been saying that I hope to have reached my goals within 5 years (and that seems like a plausible amount of time).

Now, all of this information has been leading up to this very moment. The following is the whole point of this blog:

You may not see me for up to 5 years.

This may sound harsh, a little unrealistic, perhaps a tad dramatic. But I want to prepare you for the worst. In order to reach my many goals, I will have to be unequivocally dedicated. My life will become as follows: Study, eat, go to class, study, eat, workout, sleep, study, work, study, workout, study, eat, sleep (repeat as necessary). You will ask me to do something. I will ask if it involves any of the aforementioned items (combining several of them is always a bonus). I will most likely decline.

Please, please, please don't give up on me! Know I want to see you, want to spend time with you. Know that your support and understanding has made the process so far much more tolerable. Know it will get worse before it gets better but that it will get better. Know that when I say no, it tears me up inside. I will do what I can to make time for "fun" things. Unfortunately, I am one of those people that really, really values sleep. So, if it comes down to hanging out with people and getting 3 hours of sleep or getting 6 hours of sleep, I'm going to choose sleep. When you talk to me, all I will most likely talk about is what I'm learning about. I will be so tired from all my busy work, I probably won't even listen to what you say! Please, please, please, PLEASE don't give up on me!!!

I love spending time with my family and friends. I love the memories we make and the stories we tell. I value your advice and the listening ears/shoulders to cry on. I'm sorry I may not be there for you the way I have been and the way you have all been there for me. It will all be worth it. (Trust me, you want me to excel! You don't want to call 911 and get an F-Tard. You want the pro's)

If you take anything away from this whole, long, drawn out blog, let it be this: I will say no to hanging out, I will not listen when you talk, you may not hear from me for weeks. But I love you. And I need you. Please be patient with me.

I think I have (finally) run out of things to say... Looks like it's time to go back to paper writing and studying!

Thanksgiving 2010

Happy Thanksgiving!

I am amazed at how quickly this year has gone by. It feels like only a few weeks ago I was in Ontario celebrating the new year and now in a few weeks we'll all have to get used to writing 2011!

Per usual, I don't really remember exactly what was in my last blog. I'm pretty sure it was a brief update of sorts. So the agenda for today's blog looks like this:

1) Another brief update
2) Quote on love
3) Thoughts on quote
4) Any random thoughts I happen to have
5) List of things I'm thankful for
6) Closing statement

Ready? Let's begin. :-)

This week has gone by very quickly (for which I am grateful). Kinda started getting sick Sunday, felt really bad Monday, felt better Tuesday, felt ok Wednesday morning and then it started going down the drain around 1pm. Last night was a long night filled with tossing and turning and the inability to breathe through my nose. It is currently 9:30 am and I am still in bed. Luckily, I can now breathe through my nose again. I need to get up and get moving though. New Roommate moves in Sunday and I'm not ready for him. That will be an adventure in and of itself. I've never lived with someone who hasn't been a family member. And those who know me know I have control issues. This may not end well but I'm going to try my best to make it work.

I found this quote on my cousins facebook page and I loved it.
"To love without condition, to talk without intention, to give
without reason, to care without expectation that is the spirit of true
love."

If only I could be the perfect example of this quote. I truly believe that this is how God wants us to witness. Now people express love differently so there is a multitude of ways to witness but I believe our hearts need to be in line with this quote. Imagine a world filled with people who loved no matter what, spoke truthfully, gave freely and cared just because. I can't even comprehend how altered the human race would be if we all lived this way!

This spot was supposed to be for any random thoughts I have, but at this moment all random thoughts seem to have escaped me. After my list of things I'm thankful for, it will be time for me to clean. The whole house is an absolute disaster. At the very least, I need to clean Roommates room (his name for all blogging intents and purposes will be Roommate. It's just easier).

I am so thankful for the following:

The Big Things:
-Freedom of religion and speech
-Family
-Friends
-My job
-My apartment
-My car
-Music
-Good health

The Little Things
-Christmas trees
-My phone
-The opposite sex (they're so much fun sometimes. Love them in uniform, too, haha)
-The same sex (also fun. Girls night out or girls day in is necessary)
-Cookies
-The colors purple and aqua blue/green
-Nail polish
-Soft pillows
-Hair dryers
-Hot baths
-Anything made with potatoes
-Chocolate
-Good books
-Pictures
-Naps
-Puffs Plus with Vicks
-Facebook
-Cuddles
-A good workout

I'm thankful for more, but it's time for me to get moving.

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone! Be thankful throughout the stress of the holidays for everything we have been blessed with.

Field of Dreams:

Random thought:

You know that line from the Field of Dreams "If you build it they will come"? Well that's kind of how I feel about life, except for me it goes "If you're busy, everyone you know will ask you to do something and you'll have to say no." It kind of sucks. I'm worried that if I keep saying no, they'll stop asking.

It has been brought to my attention recently by both the president of my fan club (bahahaha, Jacks) and an avid reader of mine (bahahaha, Buhrian) that I have fallen behind lately with my blogging. My apologies! Things have been pretty crazy these days. I don't even know what I last wrote about. Maybe I should read my own blog.

Let's see... Where to start.

Looks like I'll be going to the fire academy first, followed by paramedic school. That changes things, shifts some priorities.

I realized the other day that I've become very overcomplacent. I'm far too comfortable with where I am in my "career". I do not want to work BLS for much longer. IT has it's place in the ladder to my career goals, but it is merely a step. I'm trying to get my head back into the game. I need to start studying again, start working out harder. I got into medic prep, so starting in January I will be back to my studying ways.

I also realized that I really need to look into becoming a reserve firefighter and/or volunteering. With this realization came a second realization that I am absolutely scared to death of doing either or both of those things. But seeing as how I'm determined not to live my life out of fear, I need to face these fears head on. Scary! Luckily, working at Care has given me a lot of great people to talk to get advice from regarding the best way to reach my goals. Good ol' Care Bears.

I have a new roommate moving in in a little over a week. Should be interesting. I've never lived with someone who hasn't been family. All I ask is he pay his rent on time, clean up after himself, be quiet at night, don't touch my food and be sane. Fingers crossed this all works out.

As for right now, I start another glorious week of BLS tomorrow and I need my beauty sleep.

Choices:

Life is a series of decisions and consequences. One choice can change your entire life. That is an astounding thought, isn't it? If you really think about it, it's kind of mind blowing.

I think back on all of the decisions I've made and the wrong ones are what really stand out. I guess that's how it usually is, though. We always remember the negative things.

I've been thinking a lot about the decisions I'm making. I don't know if we ever fully realize the impact of our choices until maybe it's "too late". For example, what would have happened had I decided to continue with my educational goal of becoming a teacher and had never gone into EMS? I have a feeling things would have been drastically different. I never would have met some of my best friends and I never would have had the experiences I've had. Imagine how different things would be?? I can't quite wrap my head around it.

So it's that kind of thinking that makes me wonder how much my life is changing simply because of the choices I've made. Makes me want to spend more time thinking about a decision before I make it.

So, yeah, that was my random thought for the day. I am in the middle of my 3 day "weekend" right now and I'm enjoying it immensely. Sure working 4 days in a row kind of sucks (especially when one shift ends less than 8 hours before the next one begins), but it's really nice to have several days in a row that don't involve wearing a uniform and heavy boots. Time to take the dog out...