Thanksgiving:

First of all, Happy Thanksgiving! This year has been full of ups and downs, but we are all so blessed!

I had a rough day Tuesday. I am, for the first time, failing a class. Actually failing. We're not talking, oh man, a D. We're talking, oh man, an F. I actually cried at school after my chemistry test. I didn't even know if I was going to make it through the lab following the test I had in the lecture. I talked it out with one of my best friends (Thanks for listening to me, Lauren!! <3) and my mom and I made it through the class.

I've been kind of bummed since then. Part of it is I'm working this weekend with Alice and my family is going to Catalina this weekend. I love Catalina! We've been going there every year for weekend following Thanksgiving and I'm sad that I'm missing it. But I got a text from a good friend earlier that made me realize that I have too much to be grateful for to be upset about Catalina.

I wanted to make a list of some of the things I'm grateful for. I couldn't possibly list everything, but I can certainly list several things. *Warning* I will use the word blessed so many times, you'll probably get sick of seeing it. Sorry. :-)

I am grateful for:

• My mom and dad. I have been extraordinarily blessed with two extremely supportive parents. I can approach either of my parents and talk about anything and I know that they won't judge me or tell me what to do. They both listen, offer wisdom, and then they let me make the decision.
• My job(s). As much as I may complain or whine about having to work, there are people who don't have a job. I am so, so, so blessed to have a steady job.
• The families I work for. I have been blessed with "clients" who are extremely flexible regarding my schedule and who care more than any "bosses".
• Music. This may sound cheesy, but it's so true. There aren't words to describe the way I feel when the perfect song is playing. I once had a conversation in my current chemistry lab about having to choose between being blind or being deaf. I chose being blind. I regret never learning to play an instrument, but I love music all the same.
• My car. It is dependable. It is the best car I have ever owned. Not flashy, no bells and whistles. But it's only been in the shop once in all the time that I've had it.
• My friends. I have been so stinking blessed by my friends, it's not even funny. I have such a great group of friends, it astounds me.
• God. Who am I that the creator of all the things I am grateful for (and more!) loves me? He has forgiven me so many times and I still see evidence of his love all around me.
• Nature. I never thought I'd come to love the "great outdoors" so much. Whether it's the beach, the mountains or just sitting on the porch watching the sky, I feel at peace. 
• Sleep. :-) This is what I should be doing right now.
  

Thoughts:

This may sound melodramatic, but I'm pretty sure I'm drowning in my own life. I'm barely keeping my head above water and I feel like I'm going under. I haven't felt this way in a while, but it's a crushing, defeated feeling. Today was just the straw that broke the camels back, so to speak.

Things will look different, better, in the morning. I'll probably feel better once I talk to my mom, too. She'll listen, I'll talk, cry. Then she'll advise. I'll pray about it, sleep on it and it will be okay in the morning.

On a side note, what I wouldn't give for wireless internet! I'm tethered to the kitchen with my laptop and my brother is playing some sort of RPG war game that involves talking loudly to other members of the same game... It's annoying.

Love:

Before I get started with cleaning and doing laundry, I really want to write a little about "love".

We always hear about how God is love, but do we really believe it? And what does it mean to "be" love?

I believe that Jesus is Love. He lived on earth to show Gods Love. His Love is a love we cannot even begin to fathom. Love is part of the foundation of faith, in my opinion. 1 Corinthians 13:1-3 (New International Version) says:

"If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing."

I take this to mean, what good is anything without Love? And the Love I'm talking about isn't romantic love, although that kind of love is important as well. I'm talking about LOVE. Love for God, Love for friends and family, Love for life.

Romans 12:1 (The Message) says:

"Take your everyday, ordinary life - your sleeping, eating, going-to-work and walking-around life - and place it before God as an offering."

Use these daily, run-of-the-mill, routine things to Love on people! Show people the Joy you have from loving someone (Jesus) who loves you back! You may be the only witness of Christ some people have ever or will ever see.

I'm sure most of us have heard this in some form or another, but 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 (NIV) says:

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres."

I love this verse! It encompasses exactly how I want to live my life. It is exactly how I want to Love on people. When I am remembered, I want people to say "Sarah was patient and kind. She wasn't envious, boastful or proud. She was not rude, self centered or easily angered. She didn't hold grudges."

Now, while I believe that rules are important (those of you that know me, know I really like rules and boundaries), I don't believe that God "rules" through rules and regulations. He gave us rules (guidelines, commandments and a "Handbook"), but He also gave us free will and that free will includes the choice to follow or not follow those rules. Salvation isn't determined by rules.

"Heresy!" you may be shouting from your computer chair. Stay with me here. Hear me out. God also gave us the greatest example of Love we have ever seen: Jesus. I believe when your heart is in the right place, you want to follow the previously mentioned rules. Lots of people, Christians included, believe that you cannot be a Christian if you do not follow the rules set by God. Where in the Handbook (aka Bible) does it say "if you don't follow the rules, you're out of Heaven"? John 14:6 says:

"Jesus answered, "I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me."

 Jesus didn't say "You can achieve salvation by praying daily, going to church on Sundays and following all of the rules." There is ONE way into Heaven, and Jesus is it. Later in the same chapter, verse 23, Jesus says:

"If anyone loves me, he will obey my teaching."

 What was that word? Loves?? God will never force us to do anything. We will always have the choice. A deep love for Him will override our sinful nature and we will want to follow the rules He has set. This doesn't mean we won't mess up. I mess up all of the time. It's ridiculous how often I fall (or jump) off the "God wagon". But Jesus still loves me.

Here is my point: Jesus does not love conditionally. He will love you even if you smoke, drink, have tattoos and piercings, have sex outside of marriage, run red lights, sleep in on Sundays, lie to your boss and take a "sick" day, skip class, overdraft your bank account. He doesn't care if your car is clean or if your lawn is watered. His Love is unconditional, even when you keep making the same mistakes over and over again. He only asks that you really, truly Love Him.

Geez. That took me longer than I expected! And I feel like I'm missing a few points somewhere in there. If anyone has any thoughts, let me know! Leave a comment or send me a message or something.

Tomorrow keeps getting further and further away:

Well, folks, it's that time again. The time of hopes and dreams and goals. The time to turn over a new leaf.

We are rapidly approaching "New Years Resolution" time.

Oh, goody. Not that I think resolutions are bad or anything, don't get me wrong. It just seems that people seem to be stuck in this though process where you can only make resolutions in January, you can only start something at the beginning of the week, month, day, etc... "I'll do it tomorrow" is a phrase we hear (and say) far too often. Why wait to make a change? Do January and Mondays (and tomorrow, for that matter) have some sort of magical you-can-do-it power? I think not. So, I'm making November Resolutions.

My first goal? Drop 20 pounds in 2 months. Can it be done? Why yes, yes it can. It hit me last night as I was trying to fall asleep that I will be a hire-able EMT as of January 10th. I want to be in the best possible physical condition I can be in when I go on interviews. I know they ("they" being the private ambulance companies) aren't looking for little, teensy, "fairy" people, but they also want someone who can handle, say, maneuvering a stretcher with a 180 pound person on it down several flights of stairs.

My second goal? Stay on top of my school work. I know deep, deep down, that if I spent a mere hour a day doing homework, I'd be much better off than where I'm at now. So, I'd like to start spending an hour a day, not including class time, studying or doing homework for one of my classes.

So, today marks Day One. I'm lucky that my every-other-weekend job affords me the luxury of getting some homework and studying done. So, while Alice reads, I'll read, too. I'll read my EME book and my chem lab manual. After I get off of work, I'm going home to change and then I'm headed to the gym. I have a relatively sizable goal for myself today: burn 600 calories in cardio, then do some upper body strength training. I figure I can do the cardio in about 45 minutes and the strength training in around 30. One thing I have to give Kyle, my former trainer, is that he taught me how to maximize my workout time (Thanks, Kyle!). I can get an entire full body strength training workout done in less than 45 minutes. I like the way I feel after a good workout, too. Strong, healthy, vibrant, accomplished.

What does the Bible say about this? you may ask. 1 Corinthians 6:19-20 says

"Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you, whom you have from God? You are not your own, for you were bought with a price. So glorify God in your body."

I'm sure you've heard that your body is God's temple. And I'm sure you've scoffed at the thought, too. I have! This doesn't mean worship your body. It means take care of yourself! And taking care of yourself doesn't mean you need to be able to run a 6 minute mile and that you never eat bread. Taking care of yourself means eating right, exercising, praying, laughing, sleeping, loving, living. And don't forget to find joy in life! Even in the worst of times, there is joy.


Enough talking! Time for me to get out there and do it!


To do list:

• Chemistry - If I don't do it today, it probably won't get done. On the agenda: post lab, pre lab and write-up
  

• EME - It won't kill me to not read the chapters, but it's a good idea, especially if I'm doing a round in the ER on Thursday

• Gym - I always feel so strong, powerful and even beautiful (yes, even when I'm drenched in sweat, wearing no makeup, a t-shirt and sweats). 45 minutes of cardio or 600 calories, whatever comes first.
• Grocery store - I'm setting myself up to fail if I don't have the proper tools and the right food is one of those tools.

On a side note, I'm wondering how coherent and fluid my blogs are. Do they jump from topic to topic or flow smoothly? Oh well, no time to wonder about that. Time for homework!!!

Procrastination:

When life gets tough, the tough get going, right? Yes, that would be ideal. However, this is not the case today. I have a midterm Wednesday in my EME class (25% of my grade in a class that I love) and two chemistry exams on Tuesday and I don't know of much that could motivate me to study right now (aside from failing. That might motivate me). I desperately need to review my OB, patient assessment and signs/symptoms lecture notes for my midterm. I need an 80% or higher to pass the class... I am NOT dropping this class halfway through the semester. I am NOT going to retake it again. *sigh* But I still don't want to study.

Rant:
Chemistry. It sucks. As my cousin put it, Chemistry and I have no chemistry. I love to balance equations and once I get the formula's down, I love to do the math. My problem right now seems to be that I don't really understand what the heck I'm doing! I'm hoping a study session on Sunday will clear things up, but there's no telling how much information I'll actually absorb and retain. I could, technically speaking, give a rats ass about this chemistry class. But, the thing is, I need this class to take anatomy and physiology. Plus, after this chem class, I'll have an AA with an emphasis in mathematics and science (finally).

Rave:
Getting a license to drive an ambulance. How cool is that?!? I need to go and get all the forms from the DMV next week so I can get that taken care of. It makes me more "hire-able" according to my EME instructor. I'm super jazzed about becoming an EMT (and eventually a paramedic). I really do think it's one of the more perfect jobs for me. I get to go into any given situation, take control, patch people up and send them on their way. Too bad it pays just barely above minimum wage when you first start. And I have to suck it up and get over the fact that I will look like a square, boxy man in the uniforms. So perhaps I should follow Nike's slogan and "Just do It" and go study.

Other stuff:
I think I'm either going to hire a personal trainer (you know, once I win the lottery and become a millionaire) or take some sort of physical training class to get me to where I need to be physically. A guy from my EME class was telling me some of the physical fitness tests I have to pass (be able to run an 8 minute mile?!?) if I end up becoming a firefighter as well. Plus, even as an EMT, I have to be able to move and lift people and equipment. If I go on to do something totally awesome like work as a S.W.A.T. medic, I'm going to need to be in peak physical condition. I need to apply Nike's slogan to my ENTIRE life and just do it!

Hmmm... I guess I should go study, then. The idea of failing any of my classes and having to retake them makes me physically ill... That might be enough motivation!

Restlessness:

Today, I am feeling restless. Not the kind of restless where you can't sit still, but more of a mental restlessness. I want to get in my car and drive away, never looking back. I have no idea where this feeling is coming from, either. Nothing new and/or big has happened. Maybe the tedium is getting to me. All I know, is I feel like I could cry at the drop of a hat. The same hat falling could also cause me to grab an overnight bag, some food and my dog and just take off for the weekend...

Maybe I have "modern neurasthenia". A few of the symptoms are being "plagued by a sense of 'unreality'" and feeling "shiftlessness, anxious, and restlessness." The author of a blog about modern neurasthenia says the following about what causes this unrecognized psycho-physical disorder:

"Neurasthenia is back for the same reason it plagued our forbearers; our expectations have not kept pace with changing technology and culture. Technology has leapfrogged ahead in the past couple of decades with the internet, cell phones, Twitter, Facebook, and Blackberries putting us in instant touch with anyone in the world. With Google maps we can virtually zoom anywhere on earth and a wealth of information is right at our fingertips.

Our lives are also saturated with media. We’ve been exposed to thousands of commercials, movies, and televisions shows. How many images have we absorbed of SUV’s powering to the edge of a cliff, awesome rooftop parties in LA, sweet Manhattan apartments miraculously rented by struggling 20-somethings, vacations on private islands, legendary road trips and so on. The images we consume are full of moments showcasing life at its most vital and extraordinary.

And so our minds are filled with the vast possibilities the world has to offer, and technology makes us feel that all these possibilities are just within our reach. But the realities of our lives really haven’t changed much. Many aspects of our lives have sped up and become easier, but lots of things haven’t. We can instantly chat with our friend in Argentina, but we’re no closer to instantly teleporting there. Tons of information is available on the web but it still takes just as long as it ever did to read and absorb it. We still need to get jobs and pay rent and work at our relationships."

The cure?

1) Figure out what you can do.
2) Figure out what you want to do.
3) Take small steps.

So, I guess the solution to my restlessness is to acknowledge what I can do, what I want to do and find a way to take small steps towards what I want. I think I'll also consult with God on this one. Restlessness usually means I'm not getting something I need out of life, and what better place to look for it than God.

Strength, Peace and Joy

8-23-09

One thing I love about working with Alice is the quiet. I have time to sit and be quiet and pray, listen, think. This morning in my quiet time (which, unfortunately, is becoming a rare occurrence), I was asking God to show me where my heart is. I’m entering into new territory in my life. I’m experiencing new feelings and I have no clue what they mean. That’s where God comes in. I like to journal my prayers and I like them to be in letter form. God is not some being in the sky who I only turn to for help. He is my friend. To borrow lyrics from Nichole Nordeman’s “I Am”, He is my comforter, healer, my redeemer. So putting things into a letter to God helps me see the relationship and forget the religion. So I was journaling and I was remarking on how it felt like it took me such a long time to shake off some old habits and get to where I am today. I was worried about slipping back into my old self when God gave me the word “strength”. I turned in the concordance to the section on strength and I found the following verse:

Psalm 29:11 The Lord gives strength to his people; the Lord blesses his people with peace.

That really struck me. For so long, I was focused on peace. Life was so, so, so crazy I couldn’t stand to think beyond one day in advance. He gave me peace. But He doesn’t just give me peace, He gives me strength, too. It’s not me alone in this; it’s me and Him. I read on a little further and I was hit by another verse:

Psalm 30:11 You turned my wailing into dancing; you removed my sackcloth and clothed me in joy, that my heart may sing to you and not be silent.

The use of the word “heart” literally means “glory”, which, according to my NIV study bible, means “the core of one’s being.” He has clothed me in joy so that the core of my being may sing to him and not be silent. It got me to thinking, have I been missing joy? Have I been so focused on just getting by that I have been missing out on his joy? It took God spelling it out for me to get it, but I think I finally got it. My mission this week: let God clothe me in joy.

And joy couldn’t come at a better time. School starts next week. As the stress level rises, I pray that joy does as well.