Update July 2011:

Well, I was accepted into paramedic school! YAY!! I start in August.

However, that brought to light a whole bunch of other problems. Money being the biggest issue, while finding a home for my dog runs a close second. Now, I have a feeling that money is ALWAYS going to be an issue.

I quit my EMT job at Care at the beginning of July to pick up some nannying jobs, some petsitting jobs and take a trip to visit some friends in AZ (Arizona in August?! I must be crazy!). Unfortunately, the nannying hasn't been as expected and aside from a couple of petsitting jobs, I don't have any more lined up at the moment. I'm stressing out a little bit.

*side note* About an hour and a half has gone by since I wrote the above paragraph.

Well, when I started this blog I was feeling pretty blue. Money, school, relationships. They were all getting to me. Money and school are still on my mind, but I'm feeling a smidge better about the whole relationships thing. I made some steps tonight that turned out better than I thought they would. I made a few decisions and I didn't know how I'd feel about those decisions but I made them anyway. So far, I'm feeling pretty good. But we all know feelings are fickle.

I've noticed I've been trying to do a lot of things on my own lately. I have wandered, once again, from placing my trust in God and gave been trying to put it in myself. I'm making it work, but I'm exhausted! And that treading water feeling sneaks in more often than it did when I let go and let God.

I feel hypocritical, though, asking God for help when I know I'm putting up this huge fight and 'm not letting Him into every area in my life. I don't believe that God is only allowed into the areas I want him in, so instead of giving it all up, I keep it all to myself.

My mom asks me this one question a couple of times a month: have you prayed about it? And my answer is always no. She suggests I give it a try. And like I said before, it's exhausting trying to do this by myself but I don't want to give everything up. To be frank, I like my sin just how I like it. Does that make sense? I hope it doesn't sound too weird. It made sense in my head (it still does. I get what I mean, lol). I'm not willing to make a life change at this point. Sounds stupid, I know, but I acknowledge this. I take responsibility for this.

This is part of the process of change, I know. When I start to feel restless like this, it usually means that not only do I need to change something up, but that I will change something up shortly. Makes me wonder what is in store for me in the next month or so.

August 22nd marks the end of my world as I know it. I will officially be a paramedic in training. I feel like the majority of my time will be spent studying, sleeping and in class. I'm worried I won't see my friends. I know I won't see them as often, but I'm worried that they'll "forget" me or move on to new friends and, essentially, leave me behind. I mean, sure, we all make new friends all the time. And, in all fairness, I'll be making new friends in class and I will see these people and spend more time with these people than with my friends and family. I have to keep reminding myself that this will all be worth it.

I have been hearing chatter lately that most male firefighters dislike working with female firefighters. I'm not going to lie and say this wasn't discouraging to hear. It made me questions whether or not I can do this or if I really even wanted to do this. I don't see myself being a single role medic for several reasons, mostly money. The idea of the brotherhood in a fire department is a big draw for me. These guys will be my brothers. And I will be their sister. No matter how much I second guess myself, I know I can do it. I know I can. I can do the same job the men can do and I can do it well. I know I'll have to prove myself. No one gets accepted into the brotherhood without being tested. I worry about the extent of the testing and how I'll be treated but I wasn't born to take the easy way.

I remember people telling me when I was little (I had to be somewhere around 10 or 11) that they see me as a leader. A lot of people got an image from The Lion King. The one where Nala pins Simba. Apparently, I'll beat out the boys. :-)

On that note, it's time for me to go to bed. My nanny work was canceled for tomorrow (this does not help the anxiety...) and I'm going to be productive. I will find SOMETHING to do.