I was looking through Alice's perfumes while waiting to help her get ready for bed and I came across an old bottle of Tabu. I opened it and inhaled deeply. I closed my eyes and the first image that came to my mind was my grandmother. I'm pretty sure Tabu was the only perfume she ever really wore. It's the smell that makes me think of her. As I was smelling the perfume, I began to intensely miss my grandma. I had last felt this way a few weeks ago (the weekend directly following Thanksgiving, actually).

The funny thing is, I don't think I really thought about what her dying meant until the past few months. I'm not sure how long it's been since her passing, but it's only now that I grieve for her. Maybe it's my sudden interest in the medical field or perhaps I'm now able to handle the grief that I couldn't deal with then, but I find myself thinking about how different things would be if she were still alive.

What's that theory where a butterfly flaps its wings and on the other side of the world, a tsunami hits the coast? The Chaos Theory, I believe? Well anyways, if my grandma were still alive and well (she wasn't well towards the end), my grandfather would never have spent so much time in Africa, we probably wouldn't have sold our ranches, and, honestly, I doubt I would have gone the route I did with school.

All things happen for a reason and all things have a rippling affect. It's a blessing and a curse that we don't know the "what ifs" of our lives.

I'd like to end this blog with an open letter to my grandma:

Dear Grandma,

I'm sorry I didn't visit you after you had your stroke. Every time I think about you, I think about how I missed out on months of visiting with you. Honestly, I believe I was scared to see you like that and I didn't know how to act.
I'm sorry I didn't go to your wake. My recent career choice is odd, considering the reason I didn't go is because I'd never seen a dead person before.
I'm sorry I didn't truly appreciate you when you were alive and I'm sorry I didn't spend more time with you, learning more about your life and our history.
I miss talking with you and hearing what you think about things.
I miss making you laugh and making you proud. I miss laying on your bed and watching Oprah or all those baby shows.
I miss floating with you in the pool and I even miss you telling us where your EpiPens are for the umpteenth time, should you get stung by a bee.
I wish we had had a chance to talk about all the "medical" stuff you loved (and now I love it, too).  Hardly anyone in the family can stomach it. :-)
I wish we could've talked about God and I wish I could hear your theories and beliefs.
I wish I could hear about all the Divine Appointments you've had over the years.
I wish you could see how different and grown up everyone is and how the family has grown with Shireen and Esteban's marriage.
I think of you whenever I see a hummingbird or whenever I hear wind chimes. I even think of you when I shop at Stater Bros. I will always remember how you loved the "grove stand" Tropicana OJ (Lots of pulp!)

I hope you know how much I love you and I hope you're having a grand ol' time in Heaven. 


Some Thoughts and Observations:

First of all, one of my November Resolutions has basically fallen through the cracks. Chemistry is really not my thing, not my niche. There is no grooving when it comes to chemistry. It dawned on me a couple weeks ago that school is almost over. I have a whopping 59% in my chemistry lecture class and just over 2 weeks to pull it up. I had deemed it impossible. My mom, however, wanted me to talk to my teacher and see if there was anything I could do. As it turns out, if I can pass the final, my teacher will pass me. Her exact words were "if you can prove to me that even though you didn't know this stuff earlier, but you know it now, that's all I need." So, I now have around 12 days to study my butt off for the chemistry final.

This brings me to my second point in this-here blog: I am a mere 3 weeks from becoming a nationally certified EMT and it's FREAKING ME OUT! Not only is there a ton of stuff left to be done, but that's a huge life change. I went on my official Palomar ride along and I was overwhelmed by the mere process of patient assessment and documentation. The way these EMTs moved was like they were connected at the brain. They anticipated the others next movement, always staying a step ahead. Why does this scare me, you ask? I was asked to lift the head of the gurney into a sitting position and it took me a good 30 seconds to figure it out. Needless to say, they didn't ask me to do too much more after that. One of the guys quized me on a bunch of respiratory diseases and it only pointed out how very little I know.

I was thinking about medic school last night. It's going to be a huge commitment. I asked my instructor how many units it is and he said somewhere between 36 and 40 units.That's an incredible amount! And unit fees are about to go up to around $30/unit. That's about $1000 for the medic class and we have to buy a TON of stuff (equipment, uniforms, books). And I probably won't be able to work much during the semester, so things will be tight.

But, first things first: Pass EME 106/L, pass chemistry.

Now on to some observations. I noticed Friday morning that I've slipped back into praying only when I need or want something for God. Even as I'm uttering a "Lord please get me through this" I feel bad. God isn't there for me to use when I want to and then forget about. That's not the way a healthy relationship works. If I could think about God as being just the big guy in the sky, it'd be very easy to use God as a pay-as-you-go service. But God is more to me than that. Why is it so easy to fall back into old habits?

Ok, enough blogging. It's time for me to get moving. Chem homework, EMT notecards and notesheets, laundry and cleaning my room, full patient assessments on Andrea, Aaron and my mom. Busy day. :-)