2012: Hindsight is 20/20

Good Lord, I'm a rambler!! I'm pretty sure this is the most scattered and in-cohesive blog I've ever written... Ha! How fitting! 

I have never in my life needed as much help as I have this year. And that is tough for me. I HATE asking for help. I prefer to be self sufficient and independent. Also, as a control freak, I prefer to do everything myself. Trust and faith have always been difficult for me to practice and this year has been a year full of me learning to trust and have faith.

I have these mini freakouts where I start to feel as if the world is crumbling in on top of me, drowning me. It's how I imagine the Israelites felt as Moses led them through the parted Red Sea.

I'm walking on muddy ground and as high up as I can see, I am surrounded by water. I'm too far in to turn around and there's a long way to go still. There is this feeling of panic as I walk through this period in my life. I'm just waiting for the walls to give in and the water to crash down on me.

"They" say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. In conversation with my dad the other day, I told him between choking sobs, sure it hasn't killed me yet, but I'm just waiting for something to come that does. I'm bending, bending, bending, just waiting for the break.

It's as if I'm walking and the weight on my shoulders and the weight I'm dragging just gets heavier and heavier and I'm practically crawling, just trying to make some progress. (I like to use similes and metaphors, in case you didn't notice...)

But what I have yet to realize is that the walls are still holding. It hasn't killed me yet. I can't give up. I'm more resilient than I thought. There is hope for the future, I just need to hang on. Keep believing, keep working.

I have always been a control freak. When I'm in control, I feel less afraid. But when I'm constantly in control, I'm not forced to deal with the issues that cause the fear.

A quick summary of the year: finished paramedic school, a break-up, lost and gained friends, building new and different relationships, developing different skills.

I have grown in ways I never could have imagined. This year has been one full of learning about myself and growing into who I am.

Looking back, I realize that despite the ups and downs, it was a great year. I was shown over and over again how blessed I am. My family and friends have been a constant source of support, financially, emotionally and physically, sometimes.

As I said earlier, this year has been a constant lesson in trust and faith. It has been an opportunity to see God work in a big and continuous way. It has been a test of my courage. I have had to be braver than I ever thought I could be. I have had to ask for help. I have had to be humble. I have had to pray and trust in God, which does not come easy for me. At all.

I don't regret anything from this past year. I love the person I'm becoming. I love looking back and seeing what has been accomplished and overcome. I love, love, love the stories I have. And I love that I can use what I've gone through to help other people.

There have been moments this past year that when I think of them now, I cry. But there have also been so many moments that make me just stop and smile or laugh.

As we close out 2012, I can't help but feel like 2013 is full of possibilities.

All I need to do is have faith that I'll reach them.

***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** *****

Be safe, friends and family. Make wise decisions tonight as far as drinking and driving (Don't do it!). Call AAA between 6pm and 6am tonight through tomorrow. 1-800-AAA-HELP. Tow For Life has been around for 26 years and it is available to members and non-members alike.


Also, after hearing some feedback about this post, please know that I'm in a good place. I'm overwhelmed and stressed out, but I'm not going to give up. :) I'm going to go out for a run, collect my thoughts, pray and get into gear.

Cranky McCrankerpants

Yep. That's me, Cranky McCrankerpants... Woke up cranky, can't shake it.

So I'll vent a little. Please forgive me if I go off on a tangent. Or two...

1) Facebook.
A majority of people have a Facebook. And we all have people who post a lot of status updates, pictures, videos and links. And if you don't like it, change your gosh darn settings. Don't bitch about it. Don't whine about it. Don't make comments to the person who you feel is posting too much. In case you haven't noticed, other people's Facebook profiles AREN'T ABOUT YOU. Surprise, they're about them. You don't like their posts? Change your settings, remove them from your news feed or unfriend/unlike them. But QUIT YER BITCHING. I will begin unfriending people who continually make remarks (both online or in person) complaining that I post too much.

2) Babysitting.
Why oh why do parents insist on making life harder for themselves? Am I the only one who feels like a week of habit breaking is better than a lifetime of whiny, miserable human beings they call children? Teaching responsibility starts very young, as young as 2 years old. You get toys out? You put them away. You throw a fit? You get a time out. Actions have consequences and it is rarely too young to begin emphasizing that. I had a six year old tell me today "I care about my family and that means helping them" in reference to his brother not listening to me when he was asked to clean up his toys. Nice idea to teach your kids, but make sure to define the difference between helping and doing everything for them so they never learn. I know it's easier in the immediate future to give in to tantrums, but when will it stop? Trust me, no one wants to deal with yet another spoiled rotten child who grows up to be a spoiled rotten adult.

3) Activities
I would love to be able to go out all the time. I'd love to go out for dinner and drinks and movies and bowling and mini golf and fun in the snow and mini vacations. But sometimes I'm tired. Most of the time I'm broke. Some days I'd prefer to not have a drink or two (or five). And you know what, sometimes I just don't want to be around people! (this is one of those days, in case you didn't notice) So pardon me for declining invitations. Or choosing to spend time with someone else or a different group of people. Sometimes what you think is fun isn't something I feel like doing at the moment. Don't press the issue. 

4) Men.
Ugh. Men. I don't even know. So many words yet I'm speechless. Just know that at this moment in time, I'm considering becoming a lesbian.

Sigh. That's not even true. I enjoy men too much. But the male gender is on my shit list.

Just Like Treading Water

Every now and then,  I think we all experience moments of panic. Sometimes, those moments can last longer than we would like. Like all freaking day. That's where I'm at right now.

It's like I'm standing at the base of a dam and I can see the cracks forming in the wall. I'm just waiting to get hit with the water.

Life has hit me all at once today. And it's crippling.

I think I had expectations of where I would be by now and I'm realizing I'm definitely NOT where I expected to be. I'm so tired of depending on other people. I'm sick of constantly needing help.

I appreciate the help I've been given. I wouldn't have been able to get through medic school without help and without depending on others. But I am so so so sooooooo over being in this position of not having a leg to stand on!

But I guess we all go through feeling like this. And people make it through.