Maybe I'm not as strong as I thought:

Just a heads up, I'm going to be ALLLL over the place on this blog... I guarantee no organization whatsoever.

For the past several weeks, I've been crying daily. This overwhelming sadness sits right in my throat, my eyes well up and I can't hold it in. I've been debating whether or not I want to continue in school. I've wanted to quit so many times and I've come very close a couple of times. There are thoughts of being inadequate and that failure is imminent. Thoughts about how I'm losing friends during this time and I miss my boyfriend. Thoughts of the family events I haven't been able to go to and the ones I will miss if I finish this out.

I had been resisting asking for God's help. As a strong woman, I shouldn't have to ask for help. right? Well, I couldn't handle the sadness and the feeling of drowning in my own life anymore, so I reached out.

My mom and grandpa have been praying with me and it's been helping, but I still feel this anxiety and sadness sometimes.

I'm having one of those mornings today. I have a research paper topic/outline to turn in and studying for oral boards. And no matter how hard I try, I can't seem to get rid of this feeling that I'm in the eye of the storm. Sure, it's quiet now, but sh*t's gonna go down. I can feel it. And I want so badly to bail out.

I used to think I didn't want anything more than I have wanted to do this "paramedic thing". But now I'm questioning that because it feels like I want out of it more than I want in. And I'm so worried I'll be letting people down and people will be disappointed in me. But honestly, I don't know if I can do this. Everyone (and I mean everyone) has told me that they believe in me. It seems I'm the only one who doesn't believe in myself.

I'm so tired of trying. I'm so tired of faking it. I miss my friends, I miss my boyfriend, I miss my family. I miss having my own place and having a job. I'm tired of being challenged and fighting uphill battles. I'm tired of feeling stupid and like I'm not getting it.

My schedule for my internship sucks. It blocks out the whole weekend. I'm upset because this is the time I have with my family and boyfriend and friends and now it's gone. Apparently, I'm the only one who thinks this is a problem (which also hurts my feelings). I don't want to have less time with everyone even if it is only for 3 months.

It sucks only seeing your boyfriend once a week. It sucks worse when you go from seeing him once a week for 12 hours to once a week for 4. It sucks even worse when you feel like he's ok with that.

I don't know. I'm an absolute mess right now. My motivation is gone, my drive and determination are gone.

After talking with my mom, grandpa and boyfriend, the plan is to do my best until Oral Boards and see what happens. If I fail, I fail and that's it. If I pass, I'll finish clinicals and give internship a try. Honestly, I'm so scared to go into my internship. I'm so, so, so worried my friends will leave me and my boyfriend will decide that this is too much work and he'll leave, too. My family is stuck with me, so at least I've go that going for me. Maybe I don't have enough faith in my relationships... I don't know...

All I know is that this has been the most difficult thing I've ever had to do. I'm afraid of failing and I'm afraid of losing all the people I love because of this. Irrational? Probably. Does it matter to me right now if it's irrational or not? Nope.

Time to get back to studying, I suppose. Back to trying my best. Though, it seems that my best just isn't what it used to be. On a side note, if I hear another person tell me to suck it up and just do it and get through it. I will FLIP OUT. It's not about "just doing it" and if you think that's what it's about, you're dead wrong.