I need to find an ambulance company, and I need to find one now:

I believe the title says it all. I, my friends out in blog world, need to find a job as an EMT. It's been almost 6 months since I passed the class. All I need to do is submit my application for my county card and get my ambulance drivers license and then I can apply my heart out. The sooner I get a job, the better. A friend of a friend was recently hired and listening to his stories is making me realize how much I want to do this. I love kids and I enjoy working with them, but I can't wait to get going on my career! Imagine. Being able to move out! It's a dream of mine. Unfortunately, unless I meet someone who wants to support me through medic school (which will, quite possibly, be one of the most trying times of my life), I shall remain living with my mom. The 5 year plan has me working as a fire medic and living on my own. That's enough to keep me going for now.

On another note, I was feeling super discouraged about things on Monday and after talking to several different people, I started to feel a lot better. Even when things get rough, I've still got it good.

And I must say, despite not being 100% stoked on my weight loss (or lack thereof), I'm really enjoying the gym. I've noticed marked improvement in my endurance and my strength. I also am really enjoying boxing. I channel some rage and let it out on the bag and end up feeling much more relaxed afterwards. An ass kicking workout tends to relax me. I have no energy left to be stressed out.

The moral of the story is that no matter how bad I think things are, I've still got it good.

I'm going to quote one of my favorite songs now. Don't judge me.

"'Cause sometimes you feel tired,
feel weak, and when you feel weak, you feel like you wanna just give up. But you gotta search within you, you gotta find that inner strength and just pull that shit out of you and get that motivation to not give up and not be a quitter, no matter how bad you wanna just fall flat on your face and collapse."
Eminem is one talented dude. I find his songs to be motivating and excellent to workout to. When I'm halfway through a workout and my legs are aching, my lungs are burning and I'm sweating so hard I can't see, one of his songs comes on and I can somehow make it through to the end. "Till I Collapse" by Eminem and "Sacrifice" by Lil' Wayne are my top 2 power songs at the moment. And now having thought about the songs and read the lyrics, I can't wait to workout today! I never thought I would feel this way about working out. I crave it some days.

New moral of the story: Never give up.

When A Dream Dies:

I think I finally got it yesterday. I have set unrealistic goals for my body subconsciously.

My entire life, probably from age 8 on, I have wanted to be "dainty". You know the type I mean. Very feminine, small, cute. The kind of girl guys flock to because they get to feel big and strong around her. THAT girl. I have wanted to be that girl for as long as I can remember. We are trained to want to be that girl, generally speaking. All those princess movies? Yeah, the ones where the princes rescue the princesses? You know what I mean.

Yesterday, my dream of being dainty finally died (It was a slow death). It's never going to happen. I was not built to be dainty. And that makes me sad. I am, essentially, mourning the loss of my dream. When you want something for so long and then you finally discover that you can't ever have it, it's kind of heart breaking. Like, cry-yourself-to-sleep-for-the-first-time-in-years heart breaking.

My mom once told me that when my brother and I were very, very young, she prayed that we wouldn't be "cookie cutter" children (her words, not mine). That we would be different from everyone else around us. And we are. I have spent a lot of time wanting to "fit in" when I wasn't made to fit in. I was created to stand out.

It's difficult to come to terms with that. I know God has big plans for me. Bigger than I have for myself. I just wish He'd let me in on them. Save me some worry.

Aye, there's the rub.

Why should I worry when God is on my side? Faith is such a hard thing to have. Faith and patience. Definitely not my strong suit. I keep forgetting that God cares about the little things simply because that's what I care about. As long as I do my best, then I'm all set.

I'm so blessed. I've got a new dream (that will need an adjusted body image), a job (several, actually) and an incredible support system.

Ok, so here's the agenda:
-Build a new dream regarding body image
-Remember how blessed I am
-Do my best in all that I do

Time for work (which I'm trying to be grateful for, but am finding it difficult when all I want to do is crawl back into bed).

Stupid Mistakes:

So, I know that as human beings we are fallible and we all do stupid things and make stupid decisions. I know this. I'm not special in that I'm the only one who makes mistakes. But sometimes it feels like it. I did something super stupid and dramatic on Sunday that I'm not proud of. Luckily, I have friends that I can tell anything. I confessed my mistake and now feel better about it. But it was a real doozy of a bad call. Thank you for listening, friends! I love you!

You ever have one of those days where the sun shines a little brighter, traffic is a little lighter and you could swear the birds are singing louder as butterflies flutter around you? A really, really, happy day? I think I'm having one of those.

I had a short but effective cardio session and then some strength training. I'm really liking my new trainer. I was worried after our first session that he wouldn't warm up to me, but today went really well. I tend to come off strong in the personality department. That can put people off sometimes. Not this guy, apparently. I'm really pleased with my training experiences at LA Fitness this time around. They've got some really good people in there and I happen to be able to train with a couple of them. :-)

Silly as it may seem, sometimes a smile from someone else can brighten my day. I was already having a pretty smashing morning when I had to stop on the way home for some construction work that was being done. I was first in line and I was getting my groove on (badly, but I was having a good time) to A Fine Frenzy's "Happier" when the guy with the stop sign smiled really, really big and then swept his hand in an outward motion indicating that I could go ahead. The way he did it was just SOOO FUNNY. Like a little bow, almost. I couldn't help but smile back and then I started laugh. Oh man, silly I know. But it made my morning a little better.

Sometimes being happy is a choice. A conscious decision. And sometimes, it comes naturally. Fake it 'til you make it, people.

I'm finding that being grateful has caused a huge shift in my day-to-day outlook. I have so much to be thankful for, even when it's all going wrong. They say misery loves company, but happiness draws people in and keeps them there. People like to be around people who make them feel good.

I suppose I should go get ready for the rest of my happy day. :-)

Today's Goals:
-Keep a grateful heart
-Make healthy decisions
-Be happy :-)