When A Dream Dies:

I think I finally got it yesterday. I have set unrealistic goals for my body subconsciously.

My entire life, probably from age 8 on, I have wanted to be "dainty". You know the type I mean. Very feminine, small, cute. The kind of girl guys flock to because they get to feel big and strong around her. THAT girl. I have wanted to be that girl for as long as I can remember. We are trained to want to be that girl, generally speaking. All those princess movies? Yeah, the ones where the princes rescue the princesses? You know what I mean.

Yesterday, my dream of being dainty finally died (It was a slow death). It's never going to happen. I was not built to be dainty. And that makes me sad. I am, essentially, mourning the loss of my dream. When you want something for so long and then you finally discover that you can't ever have it, it's kind of heart breaking. Like, cry-yourself-to-sleep-for-the-first-time-in-years heart breaking.

My mom once told me that when my brother and I were very, very young, she prayed that we wouldn't be "cookie cutter" children (her words, not mine). That we would be different from everyone else around us. And we are. I have spent a lot of time wanting to "fit in" when I wasn't made to fit in. I was created to stand out.

It's difficult to come to terms with that. I know God has big plans for me. Bigger than I have for myself. I just wish He'd let me in on them. Save me some worry.

Aye, there's the rub.

Why should I worry when God is on my side? Faith is such a hard thing to have. Faith and patience. Definitely not my strong suit. I keep forgetting that God cares about the little things simply because that's what I care about. As long as I do my best, then I'm all set.

I'm so blessed. I've got a new dream (that will need an adjusted body image), a job (several, actually) and an incredible support system.

Ok, so here's the agenda:
-Build a new dream regarding body image
-Remember how blessed I am
-Do my best in all that I do

Time for work (which I'm trying to be grateful for, but am finding it difficult when all I want to do is crawl back into bed).