2012: Hindsight is 20/20

Good Lord, I'm a rambler!! I'm pretty sure this is the most scattered and in-cohesive blog I've ever written... Ha! How fitting! 

I have never in my life needed as much help as I have this year. And that is tough for me. I HATE asking for help. I prefer to be self sufficient and independent. Also, as a control freak, I prefer to do everything myself. Trust and faith have always been difficult for me to practice and this year has been a year full of me learning to trust and have faith.

I have these mini freakouts where I start to feel as if the world is crumbling in on top of me, drowning me. It's how I imagine the Israelites felt as Moses led them through the parted Red Sea.

I'm walking on muddy ground and as high up as I can see, I am surrounded by water. I'm too far in to turn around and there's a long way to go still. There is this feeling of panic as I walk through this period in my life. I'm just waiting for the walls to give in and the water to crash down on me.

"They" say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. In conversation with my dad the other day, I told him between choking sobs, sure it hasn't killed me yet, but I'm just waiting for something to come that does. I'm bending, bending, bending, just waiting for the break.

It's as if I'm walking and the weight on my shoulders and the weight I'm dragging just gets heavier and heavier and I'm practically crawling, just trying to make some progress. (I like to use similes and metaphors, in case you didn't notice...)

But what I have yet to realize is that the walls are still holding. It hasn't killed me yet. I can't give up. I'm more resilient than I thought. There is hope for the future, I just need to hang on. Keep believing, keep working.

I have always been a control freak. When I'm in control, I feel less afraid. But when I'm constantly in control, I'm not forced to deal with the issues that cause the fear.

A quick summary of the year: finished paramedic school, a break-up, lost and gained friends, building new and different relationships, developing different skills.

I have grown in ways I never could have imagined. This year has been one full of learning about myself and growing into who I am.

Looking back, I realize that despite the ups and downs, it was a great year. I was shown over and over again how blessed I am. My family and friends have been a constant source of support, financially, emotionally and physically, sometimes.

As I said earlier, this year has been a constant lesson in trust and faith. It has been an opportunity to see God work in a big and continuous way. It has been a test of my courage. I have had to be braver than I ever thought I could be. I have had to ask for help. I have had to be humble. I have had to pray and trust in God, which does not come easy for me. At all.

I don't regret anything from this past year. I love the person I'm becoming. I love looking back and seeing what has been accomplished and overcome. I love, love, love the stories I have. And I love that I can use what I've gone through to help other people.

There have been moments this past year that when I think of them now, I cry. But there have also been so many moments that make me just stop and smile or laugh.

As we close out 2012, I can't help but feel like 2013 is full of possibilities.

All I need to do is have faith that I'll reach them.

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Be safe, friends and family. Make wise decisions tonight as far as drinking and driving (Don't do it!). Call AAA between 6pm and 6am tonight through tomorrow. 1-800-AAA-HELP. Tow For Life has been around for 26 years and it is available to members and non-members alike.

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Also, after hearing some feedback about this post, please know that I'm in a good place. I'm overwhelmed and stressed out, but I'm not going to give up. :) I'm going to go out for a run, collect my thoughts, pray and get into gear.