Growing up is scary!

Well, the time has come. It's time to leave the nest, so to speak. My brother and I are moving out. No more living with our parents. I'm grateful that he'll be moving in with me. He's big (6'5", 260+ lbs) and he can help take care of my special needs, diabetic dog.

We found an apartment complex we like that has several town homes that will be available in our time frame. I'm working on the application over the next few days (I need to get letters from my employers proving that I've had steady work. A downfall of being paid under the table and not paying taxes) and then I'll turn it in. I am praying we get accepted! If we get accepted, then I have a whole bunch of new things to worry about. The deposit is what worries me the most. I can get the rent together no problem, but then to have to find deposit money, too? That's a lot. Rent is around $1150/mo and they'll need that upfront. The deposit will be at least that much, probably more because of our bad/new credit and the pets. I'm planning on having to have $1500 for the deposit and I'm hoping that's a really horrible overestimation. So, essentially, between my brother and I, we need to have around $2650 by the time we move in. Gah!! Just seeing that number sent chills down my spine!

*sigh* I wish I had been born into a family of extreme wealth, but had been raised with the same work ethic and values. It's too bad money is what makes the world go round. And now it's time to start job hunting, too! More stress! Might as well have the world on my shoulders...

Growing up is scary. And expensive.

****Side Note****

This is my official Jonas Brother hate statement: Whichever one of you dated Taylor Swift, ending it with her was the worst decision ever. Or if she ended it, then whatever you did to make her end it was the worst thing you've ever done. You suck. And your music is too whiny for even me to enjoy. I can handle 5 minutes, tops. Maybe 10, if I'm having an especially good day. I dislike you immensely. That is all.

If a tree falls in the forest and no one is there to hear it, does it make a sound?

Having struggled with my weight all of my adolescent and adult life, I've become very interested in everything involving total health. By total health, I mean emotional, spiritual, physical, mental health. All of it. The whole kit and caboodle.  I really enjoy reading about new exercises, eating plans, mental exercises, etc. I've been wanting to blog about binge-eating (AKA compulsive overeating) for a while. It's something I struggle with and it is only just starting to be recognized as a legitimate eating disorder.

One of the most common eating disorders, binge-eating disorder (BED) is still not considered a distinct psychiatric condition, according to the Mayo Clinic. Now, everyone overeats at some point in their lives. I mean, for goodness sake, that's what the holidays have become partially about! It's not uncommon for someone to enjoy a heaping plate of delicious holiday foods and even go back for seconds. This is not unusual! It's not healthy, but it's not something to lose sleep over. For some people, however, overeating is a regular thing. It happens consistently, it happens in secret and it happens in mass quantity.

According to the article on binge-eating disorder from the Mayo Clinic, the following are symptoms of BED:

• Eating large amounts of food
• Eating even when you're full
• Eating rapidly during binge episodes
• Feeling that your eating behavior is out of control
• Eating a lot even though you're not hungry
• Depression
• Anxiety
• Frequent dieting, possibly without weight loss
• Frequently eating alone
• Feeling depressed, disgusted or upset about your eating

 There are biological, physiological and environmental factors. The article states that some people may be born with a gene that they inherited that may make them more susceptible to developing an eating disorder. I don't necessarily agree with that. I believe that brain chemistry could be "off" somehow, but saying that there is an eating disorder gene (same goes for violence) goes too far for me. I believe that your environment has everything to do with it. Your environment affects your physiological and emotional factors.

Some risk factors for BED are:

• Being female. Women are slightly more likely than men to develop binge-eating disorder.
• Your age. Although people of any age can have binge-eating disorder, it often begins when people are in late adolescence or their early 20s.
• Family history. If you have close relatives — siblings or parents — who've had an eating disorder, you have an increased risk of developing an eating disorder yourself.
• Dieting. People with binge-eating disorder have a mixed history of dieting — some have dieted to excess dating back to childhood, while others haven't dieted. Dieting may trigger an urge to binge eat.
• Psychological issues. Certain behaviors and emotional problems are more common when you have binge-eating disorder. As with bulimia, you may act impulsively and feel a lack of control over your behavior. You may have a history of depression or substance abuse. Binge eaters may have trouble coping with stressful situations, anger, sadness, boredom and worry.

BED is not qualified as a mental disorder and its validity as an eating disorder is commonly debated among experts. Some think it is a form of bulimia, however, unlike bulimics, binge-eaters don't try to purge the excess calories through vomiting, exercising or other means. The criteria to diagnose mental health conditions are set forth in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM), which is published by the American Psychiatric Association.
DSM diagnostic criteria for binge-eating disorder include:

• Recurrent episodes of binge eating, including eating an abnormally large amount of food and feeling a lack of control over eating
• Binge eating that's associated with at least three of these factors: eating rapidly; eating until you're uncomfortably full; eating large amounts when you're not hungry; eating alone out of embarrassment; or feeling disgusted, depressed or guilty after eating
• Concern about your binge eating
• Binge eating occurs at least twice a week for at least six months
• Binge eating isn't associated with inappropriate methods to compensate for overeating, such as self-induced vomiting

Treatment for BED revolves largely around improving mental and emotional well-being, and can sometimes include a plan for weight loss. The four main types of treatment are psychotherapy, medications, behavioral weight loss therapy and self help strategies.

The article details more specifically the different treatment options. I basically copied and pasted (love copy & paste!) the bullet points from the article into my blog, but hey, whatever works, right? :-)

*****This ends the "scientific" portion of this blog post.:-) *****

I always seem to do my best deep thinking when I'm working at Alice's. I think it's because I'm basically alone with my thoughts. I also seem to do my worst eating when I'm here, also because I'm alone with my thoughts. 

I'm having a really hard time curbing my eating. Portion control is difficult for me to enforce (for lack of a better word). I know the key to a healthy lifestyle is moderation. I know all the right answers, the right foods, the right moves. I seem to be having trouble putting my knowledge into action. I find myself wishing that someone would just tell me what to do. Give me menus, a meal plan, anything. But that can only work for so long. It isn't about dieting, it's about a lifestyle.

Don't you hate it when you know that things need to change and they won't change unless you change? And yes, I realize I said change three times (four). Something needs to happen! I kind of feel like I'm on the cusp of a breakthrough. And thank God. It's about time. How long have my trainers been shoving the "eat better, workout smarter not harder" lines down my throat? Four months? Yeah, it's about time.

It's Been A While:

I've been noticing lately that I'm becoming bitter. I'm too young to be bitter!!!

I'm hoping to blame said bitterness on the fact that I'm overwhelmed and am a tad burned out.

I have been trying really, really hard to focus on the positive things in my life and to count my blessings. I have it so good!

But then I get run down and exhausted and all I want to do is throw myself a pity party.

So I'm going to vent a little bit. Pardon the rant that is about to occur.

I would love, love, love to be able to go on vacations. I would love to travel. I would love to go out every weekend. I would love to do all the fun things people my age are supposed to be doing.

But, I can't.

It's *that* simple.

Between work and school, I just don't have the time. It bums me out every time I have to tell one of my friends "no, I can't hang out with you" or "no, I can't do a road trip/vacation with you". I'm so worried that someday (and someday soon), they will stop asking.

It's hard to explain how badly I want to become a Firefighter Paramedic. It's like I'd been wandering around for 21 years. Lost. I was lost. And suddenly, it all makes sense. It's like, I don't know, coming home, as cheesy as that sounds. I've always been really good with kids, but just being good at something isn't a good enough reason to revolve my future around it. But FireMedic, now that's something I can build on, revolve around, aim for.

I've been spending a lot of time at the gym lately. Too much, apparently, as my knees have been bothering me. I talked to the GTM and he told me, basically, to slow it the eff down. My trainer gave me some specific stretches and the GWM showed me how to foam roll my legs to loosen up the muscles around my knee. Foam rolling also helps elongate the muscles, creating a longer, leaner look (which is an excellent thing).

It really bums me out that I can't work out like I've been working out. In the past week, I've gone from burning about 700 calories a workout to burning around 300 a work out. That's a pretty significant drop. Unfortunately, it means I'm going to have to really watch what I'm eating (which I hate doing and have never really been good at). I've been acting really dramatic about it lately, too. My trainer pointed out to me today "It's not like you tore your ACL." He's right. A week of rest and improving my form will more than likely solve the problem.

It's time to cut the shit. No more drama. No more games. Straight up. This isn't high school. It's time to grow the eff up. Roll with the punches and deal with it.

So that's the new game plan. Less complaining, less dramatic outbursts. More dealing with it, more making the best out of what you've got.

“Do what you can, with what you have, where you are.” ― Theodore Roosevelt

WORD.