How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

I went to the gym today and remembered that I was supposed to weigh myself before working out (I got this whole lecture from my trainer on when to weigh yourself and how many days from your cheat day to do this and that and yadda yadda yadda). So I hop off the step mill and onto the scale. WTF?! I GAINED 2 pounds??? All the calorie counting and working out has done NOTHING? I get off the scale and walk back over to the step mill. At this point, I can't figure out if I want to cry or simply rage. I settle for mind numbing stair climbing.

My legs start to burn at the 15 minute mark so I head over to the elliptical. That's when I start thinking about those 2 pounds. 2 pounds. 2 pounds. 2 pounds. It loops in my mind as I sweat it out. I flag down the GTM and tell him about those 2 pounds. He tells me not to worry about them, saying I look like I'm losing inches which is more important than weight. Another trainer makes a sarcastic remark which successfully puts things into perspective and makes me laugh (2 birds with one stone). So I finish my workout feeling a little bit better.

I leave the gym and head over to Alice's. As I'm driving, I let my mind wander. I think about all the fun things I've missed out on because I'm constantly working or studying or being responsible (Example: "No, I can't stay out late because I have work/school/responsibilities that night/the next morning".). I could have gone to the beach today. I could have hung out last night with a friend who was leaving to go back to Seattle who I won't see for several months. But no. I had work.

I just need a moment to rant. I'm so over working. I really am. I'm not even doing what I really want to do, either. I'm doing something I'm good at so I can have money to support myself, money to reach my goals. I have this dream and I want it so bad I can see it, touch it. But I'm so sick of having no life outside of that dream.

Is there such a thing as being too driven or too goal oriented? Like, is there a point at which it becomes too much?

I guess it depends on the goal, right?

I mean, I've never done things the easy way. I could have been a teacher. I had myself convinced that's what I wanted to be for a while. But no. 3 years of college and I switch majors. I switch from Liberal Studies to Kinesiology. And then I move from Kinesiology to Firefighter Paramedic. No, I didn't take the easy way out.

I will always remember my dad telling me to choose to do something I love. "If you are doing something you love, it won't feel like work," he'd say. And it's true. So is the drive worth it? Is it worth missing out on the cliched experiences the majority of those in their 20's go through?

That's what I was asking myself on the drive from Escondido to Oceanside. For a little bit, I had even begun to plan my pity party for this evening. It involved crying and some form or another of Dane Cooks "I did my best" bit. However, upon arrival at Alice's, I had to push the pity party back. I had work to do, per usual.

That brings us to this current moment. I'm lying on the bed in the room I stay in ("my" room... for the weekend, at least) writing this blog. Looking back over my past blogs, they all seem to have a common thought process. It starts out with me whining about something that happened, then I move on to whining about how much my life sucks, then I move on to talking about how badly I want to be a FireMedic. It usually ends with me making a statement about how lucky/grateful/blessed I am. Why can't I just skip all the melodrama and just be lucky/grateful/blessed?

Eh, who knows. I suppose it's OK to have these moments as long as I don't let them overwhelm me and take over.

This is not forever. This is not permanent. Sure I don't get to see my friends or family as often as I'd like. Sure I can't afford to take road trips or vacations. Sure I feel like I am one of the most boring people you will ever meet. But this is not forever. This is not permanent.


I think it's time to accept my fate. I work hard. I like to go to bed early. I like to wake up early. I like to workout and be pushed past my limit. I like being responsible. I don't know why I start to wonder about the other life I could have led when it's obvious this is the one I was meant to live.

On another note, exciting news! My brother and I found an apartment! We move in a week! I also applied to several ambulance companies. Now the waiting game begins. Hopefully I'll be working as an EMT in the next month or so. *fingers crossed*

Perhaps it's time to end this long, run-on sentence of a blog. I often wonder how much sense I actually make in this thing. Probably not much. But that's OK. At least my head is clear. It's time to go back to taking it one day at a time. Or even one hour at a time. And at this time, I am looking forward to sleep. Yay for sleep!