I'm just a shadow of myself:

*Disclaimer: I'm a tad on the tired side, so I apologize ahead of time for any incoherency. :-)

I stumbled upon this poem today. It's by Adam Smith:

I am a shadow of myself
Not nearly what I was before
I do everything that I can
But I don’t know who I am anymore
I try to accomplish the things I need to do
But there is no hope for me
No one to help see me through
Maybe I could re-invent myself
And become someone new
But I do need a little hope
To help see me through

I've been thinking about the idea of identity lately. According to dictionary.com, identity is defined as the condition of being oneself or itself, and not another. What forms each persons identity? Is identity static or does it adapt?

Our choices and experiences mold and form our identities. That being said, I'm pretty sure identity is adaptive. As we go through life, we grow up and we learn. It is this knowledge (and what we do with it) that plays a huge role in our identity.

I've learned quite a bit about myself in the past couple of months (it's been two months since my last blog!!). I've learned that I'm capable of much more than I ever imagined physically (dragging 400 lbs around the gym), mentally (passed Medic Prep! Wooo!) and emotionally. I've also learned that I am much, much more selfish than I ever imagined. I have little self control, almost no concept of delayed gratification and no respect for other peoples feelings.

Events from the past few days especially have made me particularly ashamed of myself. I've never known myself to trample on another persons feelings simply because I wanted the attention. Never before have I spent an extended period of time convincing myself I'm capable of doing things I never wanted to do just so I'll fit in and "belong". Things I once valued I've tossed into the wind only to find they held (and still hold) much more meaning to me than I ever thought they would. I have behaved in a very un Christ-like way and this realization hit me like a ton of bricks about 11 hours ago.

Maybe I'm being too hard on myself. But then again, maybe I'm not. I want so much for myself and for my life yet I never imagined I'd be behaving this way. I seem to have lost myself in the day-to-day grind. An extreme and profound desire to be noticed and to be paid attention to seems to have overridden any common sense I possess.

I called a friend earlier (a couple of friends, actually) in an effort to find my way back and she made a good point. She basically said that while I had lost my way, I hadn't lost who I was. You're better than this, she said, and you know it. I sighed and agreed that I am better than this and I do know it. I made a few apologies and some mental notes and have decided to find the old me. I don't want to be a shadow of myself. I want to be me. What was important before is still important (I know this to be true after having spent over a year trying to talk myself into being a different person).

So, in summary, I must apologize for my behavior. Those of you reading this who know what I'm talking about, this is an apology to you. I lost who I was and in turn became a poor friend. Please forgive me.

I made things so complicated. All it takes is honesty, taking responsibility and doing the right thing to keep things uncomplicated. A difficult but simple plan of action. One I aim to follow.

(I will probably reread this at some point and just be appalled at the grammatical errors and lack of fluidity...)

I hope to be able to locate the old me soon. I miss the drive I used to have. The passion for right and wrong. Lucky for me, second chances (or third, or fourth, or fifth, ... or one hundred) come with each new day, as cheesy as it sounds.

In an effort to bring this new day around sooner, I'm going to sleep!