It's been almost 4 months. Time for an update!!!

Well my goodness a lot has happened since my last blog post!

 I graduated from paramedic school June 6th. Quite an accomplishment! I honestly did not think I would make it through the program. I felt so depressed and lonely and "dull", for lack of a better word. I was barely feeling any emotion. Sad felt like a dull ache, anger felt like a dull burn, happiness felt dull (notice a theme?). I started going to a therapist in April or May to deal with the depression I seemed to be in. She had some good suggestions and working with her was helping, though I still felt so incredibly lackluster.

I made it through the rest of the clinical setting and into my internship. I loved my preceptor and she encouraged me in every way. She is probably the biggest reason I not only passed paramedic school, but also feel prepared to do the job. I'm confident in my skills and though I don't know everything (I will never know everything), I am confident that I can make the correct decisions. My internship was difficult still. I've never been good at making mistakes and admitting I'm wrong. I learned how to be wrong, how to be humble, how to take advice and how to stand my ground when I believe my way is the best way (though I know there is more than one way to skin a cat). I also struggled with balancing my internship with the rest of my life. My emotions were all over the place. Sometimes, I could reason with myself, talk myself down. Other times, I couldn't.

At some point during paramedic school, my boyfriend and I started drifting. Or maybe I pushed him away? Who knows. Either way, the end result was that the day after I finished my internship, we broke up. I have to say, as much as it hurt, I was glad he waited until after I had finished school (though it would have been nice to have had him at my graduation. He was more supportive during the whole process than the significant others of some of my classmates).

Going through that was an entirely new thing for me. He was my first boyfriend and the first man I loved. Thank God for twice a week therapy sessions!! I did some intensive introspection and focused hard on the pain. But an interesting thing happened a couple of days after we broke up. I started feeling things again. And I mean really feeling them. Sadness felt like a stab in my chest and a ball in my throat. Anger felt red hot. Happiness felt light and free. My therapist feels that I was experiencing "Emotional Insulation", a defense mechanism,described below:

"Withdrawal into passivity to avoid disappointment or hurt is the main component of emotional insulation. For example, someone who really wants to ask someone out for a date but doesn’t do so to avoid the prospect of rejection. Emotional insulation can prevent one from fulfilling many goals because the individual may avoid taking risks for fear of rejection or disappointment"

That emotional insulation lifted very shortly after school ended. As legitimately cheesy as it sounds, colors were brighter, food tasted better, music sounded louder. Unfortunately and fortunately at the same time, this meant I really felt that break up. However, I think it was the really feeling it that allowed me to deal with it and grow from it. Granted it hasn't even been 3 weeks yet, but I've changed so much between then and now!

I moved out of my aunt and uncles studio apartment and into my moms living room. It works out nicely. I'm not alone as much, her house is very bright with natural light and I'm close to the gym and hiking trails.

Since school has finished, I've gotten back into going to the gym. I have a sprint triathlon coming up in October that I've been training for, as well as a 5k in November. I'm really looking forward to both of them. I was recently hired to be a part-time caregiver for a quadriplegic. This will help me save some money to get all my testing and certifications done. Once I get all certified, I have to decide where I want to work. It's an interesting feeling of freedom when there is nothing keeping you in any one place. Of course I would miss my friends and family if I moved, but there are so many opportunities out there! I'm looking into paramedic jobs in Utah and Arizona at the moment, as well as jobs in the different counties in California. The world is my oyster! I can go anywhere, do anything!

So now, the plan is to work a little, save a little, study some more and get all my certifications. After I get all certified, I can start looking a little more seriously into where I want to work. In the meantime, I'm going to continue to "do me" as they say. Spend time with friends, work out, read, take naps, try new things, make new friends.

Oh, the possibilities!

Below are a few pictures taken before, during and after graduation.  :-)

June 4th, 2012

My preceptor spraying me with shaving cream. Looks like I passed!

The ladies of Class 39

Lauren and I

My mom and I

My preceptor and I

Palomar College Paramedic Program Class 39!!!

Relaxing in the pool after the longest 10 months EVER

Leaving for the class party at Hennessy's in Carlsbad

A big thank you goes out to:

• My Grandma, Aunt Holly and Uncle Jean. Without you guys, it would never have worked out for me to go through this program.
• My mom for letting me live with her and for being a constant shoulder to cry on (and for bringing me care packages when I was down).
• My dad for being an emergency funder.
• My family and friends for understanding the hardships and being patient with me as I continually flaked on any plans we made.
• Justin for being there when it mattered. We had some good times.
• Shane and Sarah for quizzing me on EKG strips :-)
• Grace for hiking weekly and helping me keep my sanity.
• Lara and Deanna for listening to all of my crazy ramblings.
• Mandy for being my "text-at-any-time-you-need-me" friend.
• Lauren for being my best friend for life.
• Peggy for sending me encouraging notes throughout the journey of school.
• Freddy for telling me I could do it, even when I thought I couldn't.
• My classmates for being supportive of one another.

There are a bunch of people I need to thank and I know I have forgotten people. I'm sorry if I forgot you!! So many people helped me finish this program. I can never thank you enough.

Well, now that this blog is written, it's time for me to get ready to hike!