Random thoughts and contemplations:

Ok, question.

Is there an actual name for the game guys play (well, I guess girls play it, too) where they lead a girl (or guy) on by using terms of endearment and indications of a future together?

Because I've just been calling it The Game.

I'm witnessing this game being played all around me. I am even a player in this game. Sometimes I feel like I'm being lead on, sometimes I fel like I'm doing the leading. It's a confusing, horrible, mean game. It toys with peoples emotions and it only leads to bitterness and hurt feelings. Why do we play this stupid game??? I HATE this game. All I do is second guess myself and read into EVERYTHING. Every little interaction gets dissected and blown up. At least, it does when I'm the poor sucker being lead on. Unfortunately, this seems to happen more than I'd like. No wonder I have trust issues. I'm convinced every guy I meet is a liar at heart. No matter how nice they seem, no one is an option for a relationship. Friends, maybe, but nothing more. Hopefully, someone will prove me wrong. I guess I'm in a cynical mood tonight.

(side note: I paused the writing of this blog to do a poorly choreographed mini dance to "This I Gotta See" by Jason Aldean)

Tuesday was a rough day for me. I felt like I was having a panic attack internally. It was difficult to take deep breaths. I had trouble figuring out what was wrong, but eventually I came to the conclusion that I was feeling the pressure of life. Work, school, relationships, money. It was all coming at me at once. A shock-and-awe mentally and emotionally. I have a lot I need to get done in order to get a job on an ambulance. I had a test Tuesday night I was so not prepared for. Money is pretty much always an issue. And, well, as for relationships, lets just be vague about this one. It's definitely another pressure, though.

Wednesday I had a kick-ass workout and I'm pretty sure it beat a lot of the stress out of me. And then whatever stress was left was replaced with happiness due to the fun night with some EMT 106 buddies. I didn't realize how much I missed seeing everyone, but I did. It was good to catch up and have some pressure free interaction that didn't involve studying (or pretending to).

Today has been a good day. Still feeling some pressure, but at least breathing was easy. Now that I've got some free time (IE alone time), I have to stop myself from over thinking things. I tend to over think rather frequently. It gets me in trouble. Lots of trouble. That's why it's good to have friends that will be sounding boards. I tell them about whatever crazy thought I'm having and they talk some sense into me. It's a blessing to have friends willing to do that. I'm sure it gets annoying. I enjoy being other peoples sounding board, though. I get to play therapist for a conversation or two.

Still trying to get over the idea that I need a significant other. I would like one, but I don't need one. It's just nice to have a someone. Problem is, this is going to be one of the busiest times of my life (when I get a job, that is). Work will take over. I will be constantly studying. And once I'm in the paramedic program, well forget it! Unless they're in the program with me, a relationship just isn't happening. My EMT teacher told our class that a lot of marriages and relationships end in that program. I suppose I'm getting ahead of myself by denying myself the pleasure of a relationship simply because I think I know it won't last. I don't know that.

*sigh*

I'm going to take Grace's advice here and just go with the flow. My problem is I try to force things to happen. I need to stop pushing and just go along for the ride. What happens, happens. Right?