Tonight, I want to be alone:

I actually turned off my phone and logged out of Facebook and gmail chat. Alice is sleeping. I think I'm really alone now.

Ever in the mood for poetry? I rarely am, but tonight, I'm craving it. I seriously googled "lonely poem" and this is one of the ones I found:

Maya Angelou - Alone

Lying, thinking
Last night
How to find my soul a home
Where water is not thirsty
And bread loaf is not stone
I came up with one thing
And I don't believe I'm wrong
That nobody,
But nobody
Can make it out here alone.

 Alone, all alone
Nobody, but nobody
Can make it out here alone.

There are some millionaires
With money they can't use
Their wives run round like banshees
Their children sing the blues
They've got expensive doctors
To cure their hearts of stone.
But nobody
No, nobody
Can make it out here alone.

Alone, all alone
Nobody, but nobody
Can make it out here alone.

 Now if you listen closely
I'll tell you what I know
Storm clouds are gathering
The wind is gonna blow
The race of man is suffering
And I can hear the moan,
'Cause nobody,
But nobody
Can make it out here alone.

Alone, all alone
Nobody, but nobody
Can make it out here alone.

So true. No man is an island, right?

I am so blessed to have the support system that I do. My family and friends are wonderful. We may not always like each other, but we will always love each other.

I've been in an emotional funk, lately. Not on the outside, of course. You get pretty good at hiding it. Fake it 'til you make it and all that. It's exhausting, but it helps the world continue to turn. I really only notice it when I'm alone. Work, school, the gym, being with friends, have all become blessings simply because I'm not left alone with my thoughts. It doesn't matter what I'm doing, as long as I'm doing something other than thinking.

When I'm alone, doubts swirl around me, threatening to end me. It's a crushing kind of feeling. Like being kicked when you're down.

What if I chose the wrong career? God knows I've made plenty of bad decisions on my way to where I'm at. What if I'm doing it all wrong? What if I'm never actually happy? What if I always feel like I'm treading water? What if I never get to actually live life???

Most of the time, I run away (really, really fast) from these thoughts. Tonight, I kind of want to dwell on them. Soak them in. Let them wash over me. I'm not quite sure why, either.

Well, now that I've let myself marinate in those thoughts, it's time for me to pull myself out of them.

If I chose the wrong career, there's still time to find the right one. However, I don't think I chose the wrong career. Doubt tells me I might have, but I know better. I really was made for this job. I love the adrenaline rush, I love to be the calm in a crisis. I love working with people and being able to help people. I have charisma and have the uncanny ability to put people at ease.

If I'm doing it all wrong, there's time to do it right. No regrets, just learning opportunities.

I may not be happy right now, but I will be someday. I have never been one to choose the easy way. And when you always take the hard road, you're not always going to be happy. But the reward is that much sweeter.

Treading water still means I'm hanging on. I will eventually get my head above water. I am not alone in this, either. I just need to throw a hand out and call for help when I feel like I can't make it.

Whether I like it or not, I am living life. Right now. It may not be what I had in mind originally, but life is happening all around me.

I'll end this on a happier note.

John Keats - To Hope:

When by my solitary hearth I sit,
When no fair dreams before my “mind’s eye” flit,
And the bare heath of life presents no bloom;
Sweet Hope, ethereal balm upon me shed,
And wave thy silver pinions o’er my head.

Whene’er I wander, at the fall of night,
Where woven boughs shut out the moon’s bright ray,
Should sad Despondency my musings fright,
And frown, to drive fair Cheerfulness away,
Peep with the moon-beams through the leafy roof,
And keep that fiend Despondence far aloof.

Should Disappointment, parent of Despair,
Strive for her son to seize my careless heart;
When, like a cloud, he sits upon the air,
Preparing on his spell-bound prey to dart:
Chase him away, sweet Hope, with visage bright,
And fright him as the morning frightens night!

Whene’er the fate of those I hold most dear
Tells to my fearful breast a tale of sorrow,
O bright-eyed Hope, my morbid fancy cheer;
Let me awhile thy sweetest comforts borrow:
Thy heaven-born radiance around me shed,
And wave thy silver pinions o’er my head!

Should e’er unhappy love my bosom pain,
From cruel parents, or relentless fair;
O let me think it is not quite in vain
To sigh out sonnets to the midnight air!
Sweet Hope, ethereal balm upon me shed,
And wave thy silver pinions o’er my head!

In the long vista of the years to roll,
Let me not see our country’s honour fade:
O let me see our land retain her soul,
Her pride, her freedom; and not freedom’s shade.
From thy bright eyes unusual brightness shed—
Beneath thy pinions canopy my head!

Let me not see the patriot’s high bequest,
Great Liberty! how great in plain attire!
With the base purple of a court oppress’d,
Bowing her head, and ready to expire:
But let me see thee stoop from heaven on wings
That fill the skies with silver glitterings!

And as, in sparkling majesty, a star
Gilds the bright summit of some gloomy cloud;
Brightening the half veil’d face of heaven afar:
So, when dark thoughts my boding spirit shroud,
Sweet Hope, celestial influence round me shed,
Waving thy silver pinions o’er my head. 

Hope, Peace and Love. It's what everyone wants (myself included). Well, that and a really nice jacuzzi and 6 weeks paid vacation. ;-)