Moment of Weakness:

A friend of mine gave me her dads number and had me call him to talk about "Firefighter stuff". I finally connected with him today and he answered some of my questions and gave me a few tips and some ideas on where to go next.

One of his suggestions was that I call a friend of his, who is a female Firefighter Paramedic, to get an idea of what to expect and to hear about what she went through and how it was for her. I called the number he gave me for the station and spoke to a man who was a little short with me and said that he couldn't give me her information because he didn't know me. So I called my friends dad and asked him to put in a call for me. He did and I now have the correct contact info.

However, when I hung up the phone, I just felt like crying. All my doubt started flooding to the surface. Would I be strong enough physically, emotionally, mentally? Could I even do this? And I gave in to them. I let myself cry. I let my doubts circle me and taunt me. I sat and sulked for about 10 minutes. Then, I noticed that James was online. I sent him an instant message basically saying that I didn't think I could do this. He spent the next hour or so pulling me out of my funk and back up to the surface. The gist of the conversation was that I have the ability to do anything, I just need the mentality. It's all in my head. And, as James pointed out, I didn't choose to do this because I thought it would be easy. I've known all along that this will be a long, difficult journey.

I texted a fellow EMT and asked him if he ever had doubts about his abilities. He said "Why doubt yourself? If you ever think you can't, just know there is always some sort of training to make it so you can. It's going to be hard. It's going to be demanding. But what's a little work to get what you want? This is the rest of your life we're talking about." Well, I cleaned it up a bit and made it "flow" better, but that's essentially what he said.

It got me thinking. Sure, I didn't know I wanted to do this until about 8 months ago, but that doesn't mean I don't know what I want to do now. I began to think about my build, physically. I am not a dainty flower. I am taller and stronger than most women. With some conditioning, I can do this job and I can do it well. My personality will fit perfectly with this job. I was made to do this.

I CAN do this. I can.

I need to get my head in the game.

I need to get my body in the game, too.

And right now, I need to go get ready to crash my first fire class!

Finally:

It's funny how God works sometimes. I mean, I know that I try to push Him out of control and take the reins and I also know that it never works out well when I do that.

So last night, I finally, really relinquished control of my career dilema to Him. I prayed about it, wrote about it and went to bed. I wake up this morning, go about my normal routine and then check my email. I had an email (finally) from the assistant to the director of the Fire Academy and she said she'd recommend crashing the full fire classes, then she gave me a list of classes that would be benefitial for the academy. She also offered to meet with me and discuss some of the different options and programs Palomar offers. Woo!!! Finally, some direction!

This is just another example of why I really should "let go and let God" sooner rather than later.

Now it's off to shower, meet with the assistant, work and then study for the National Registry test.

Insert Clever Title [Here]:

So many questions, so little time.

My plan for the past few weeks has been this:
1) Get in shape for Fall '10 fire academy
2) Pay off debt using Pell Grant to make living expenses less expensive
3) Crash 3 fire classes Spring '10 and 2 fire classes Summer '10 in preparation for fire academy
4) Continue working as a nanny/caregiver and volunteer a few days a week if possible at a fire station
5) Complete fire academy, get hired in SD County.
6) Go to Palomar's Paramedic program
7) Complete paramedic program, work as a FF Paramedic

Now, after having spoken to a few people and having lost the Pell Grant, I don't know what to do! I'm hearing "Fire Academy first, then medic program" in one ear and in the other I'm hearing "Medic program first, then Fire Academy" and I have no idea what is best!!!! I've put in some emails to the Fire Academy instructors, but only one has emailed me back and he was less than helpful. I suppose I'm going to have to start stalking the FF Paramedics in SD County now. Maybe someone will help me out and give me some advice.

Maybe the problem is that my plan is exactly that: MY plan. I really haven't prayed about this at all. This occurred to me last night while I was trying to go to bed. So, I prayed last night for some direction. I feel like that's one step towards where I need to be.

On another note, while googling "How to become a firefighter" (because I'm not joking about having questions that need answers!), I stumbled upon a blog by a woman named Athena who is 30 years old, has 4 kids and is currently training to become a firefighter! She has been documenting her journey through blogs and some vlogs and it's been the most helpful and inspiring thing I've found yet! I sent her a message on facebook (her blog had a link) and I added her. After reading some of her blogs last night, I was feeling really inspired and I couldn't sleep, I was so jazzed. She has posted some of her workouts, too, which I'd like to try to do.

I'm no where near where I need to be physically, but I'm working on it. I went through a modified circuit of what Jake took me through on Wednesday last week. It was moderately difficult, but I know I need to push myself harder. I did 5 sets of: 10 push-ups, 6 "Jump Squats", 30 crunches (or 10 seconds of scissor kicks), 30 seconds of jumping jacks (or pretend jumping rope) and then I went on a 15 minute walk and did 10 lunges on each leg, followed by a reverse push-up chaser (10). Like I said, I know I can push myself harder, but I'm pleased at what I got done today. Now, all I need to do is focus on what I eat.

My National Registry test is on Thursday. I'm planning on studying whenever I'm not working, sleeping or exercising. Haha, I could probably even stidy while I work-out, but one of the trainers told me when I work out, I need to be focused on working out, not on other things. So, we'll see how long it takes me to turn working out into a release instead of something I have to do. :-)