Simple:

It really is too bad life can't be simple in it's entirety. Very few things are cut and dry, black and white. There are lots of shades of gray.

But a few things are simple.

For example, Owl Cities' song "Meteor Shower":

"I can finally see
That you're right there beside me
I am not my own
For I have been made new
Please don't let me go
I desperately need you

I am not my own
For I have been made new
Please don't let me go
I desperately need you"

11 lines. 50 words. Simple.

I was in an Owl City mood last night, but this song really hit me this morning. I don't know what the song was written about, but I know what it means to me.

Each day I wake up is a blessing. God has given me a purpose, I just need to live it. Too bad He won't just explain it all to me, it would save me a lot of grief. I hate messing up. I make a lot of mistakes. But He has taken me and made me new and that means second chances (and third and fourth and fifth and sixth...). Forgiveness is a wonderful thing. It feels good to receive it, it feels good to give it. Resentment never pays off. It's actually bad for your health to hold resentments. It raises your blood pressure, changes what hormones are released and what amounts are released. It's best to just let go.

As Grace has been telling me, just go with it. What happens, happens. Simple plan, complicated execution. Practice makes perfect, so I'll keep trying.

On another note, I need to see a freaking chiropractor! My lower back is killing me. I can't sit comfortably. I can stand, walk, run, lay down, but sitting is too painful to do for longer than 10 minutes at a time. Looks like my Tuesday just got busier.

I'm really looking forward to the gym tonight. I'm going to try to get Christy to play basketball and do some boxing with me again. My wrist started bugging me last week, so I didn't get as much time with the punching bag as I would have liked. I'm hoping one of the trainers can show me how to wrap my wrists so I can really wail on the bag without doing permanent damage. My knuckles are usually red and sore afterward no matter what. It's a badge of honor. :-) Plus, it makes me feel totally bad ass.

I need to learn how to cook. I can get by with the skills that I have, but when I'm a fire medic, I'm going to be expected to have better culinary skills. Plus, the better I can cook, the less time I'll be spending cleaning the bathrooms. The ones who can't cook can do that. ;-)

Time to shower, get my room at Alice's tidied up and do some homework. It looks like my goal of writing my firefighter health and heart disease paper will have to wait. I need to finish my a/p vocab first.

A Grateful Heart:

**This blog gets cheesy towards the end. Don't want cheesy? Don't read any further. Think you can handle the corny? Go right on ahead. :-) **

Today started off like any other day.

My alarm went off at 7am and I fed Edward and gave him his insulin. I puttered around the house for a bit, ate breakfast and eventually got dressed. The plan had originally been to pick Christy up and head to the gym where I had training at 10:30. As it turns out, my appointment was at 10am, not 10:30, so I ended up hitting the gym solo. I had a good cardio "sesh" and then, since my regular trainer wasn't there, had a session with my favorite trainer, Jake. He kicked my butt (well, technically he kicked my arms and back). Then, I swung by Christy's house and we did a round of cardio at the gym by her house. We ate lunch, I dropped her off and headed home.

It was during my drive home that I had a conversation with James in which I noted that being grateful is something I need to work on. I got off the phone (I was hands-free, so don't shit yourselves, people) and began to think. Think, think, think, Pooh Bear style. As Jamesy pointed out, I have it pretty good. Tough, but good. I thought about that for a bit, but once I got started on my to do list, I was wrapped up in getting everything done. So the thought of a grateful heart was put on the back burner.

I took Edward to the vet and his glucose levels were waaay down. Too low, actually. The vet said he'd like his levels to be above 100 and below 200. His current levels were at 85. So we lowered his insulin and made an appointment for two weeks from today to recheck everything. Overall, the vet was pleased with how things were going. If the vet is happy, I am happy.

As soon as we got home, I made myself dinner (chicken chow mien from Trader Joe's. Yummy!) and then hit the road again, this time headed to class. I arrived on time, signed in, picked up my notes and sat down. The note sheet was ridiculously short, indicating a ridiculously short lecture. It took 30 minutes. Well, we need a certain number of class hours, so my teacher brought a documentary for us to watch. I didn't know what it was about, but I was down to watch whatever it was.

It ended up being this awesome documentary on 9-11. It started out as a film about a proby, following him through his probationary period on a New York City Fire Department (I want to say it was station 1, a couple of blocks from the WTC). It was filmed by two French brothers and they basically followed this guy, Tony, around. On September 11th, the brothers split up. One went with the battalion chief to a routine gas leak inspection, the other stayed at the station. Well, one of the brothers ended up inside of WTC 1. He had his camera. He followed the NYFD wherever they went. He captured the Incident Command Center where all the different battalion chiefs were meeting. He caught the sound of debris and bodies hitting the awning outside the lobby. He caught the panic as WTC 2 collapsed. Through dust and ash, he followed the FD. It was a God thing that everyone, every single man sent from this station, returned safe and sound.

Facts (http://nymag.com/news/articles/wtc/1year/numbers.htm):

2,996 people died that day
343 paramedics and firefighters were killed that day
60 Law Enforcement officials (NYPD and Port Authority)
People were killed from 115 different nations
289 bodies were found intact
19,858 body parts were found
An estimated 3,051 children lost a parent
20% of all Americans knew someone who was hurt or killed
The rubble continued to burn for 99 days following the attacks
1,506,124 tons of debris was removed from the site

The movie was hard to watch. After class let out, we all walked silently to our cars. As people drove away, I sat in my car in a stupor. My hands were shaking. I was having trouble getting a deep breath. I sent a few texts out, tried to get through the moment. I didn't know whether to cry, scream or laugh it off. I ended up going with the "cry" option. I sat in my car for a few minutes, silently crying. I didn't want to listen to music, I didn't want to talk to anyone. I just sat and cried. I pulled myself together after a few minutes and started out for home.

I was very quiet. I began to feel sick to my stomach. I honestly thought I was going to vomit. I began talking out loud to myself. I asked, why is this hitting me like this? I was 14 when this happened. I only remember my dad waking me up at 7am and saying "there is a national emergency." We were glued to the tv, but I didn't understand it. How could I? I stopped talking out loud eventually and just drove in silence.

And that's when a couple of things happened.

First, I had an epiphany. Seeing that film lit a fire in me that I didn't know existed. I was sitting in class, watching that movie, and I desperately wanted to be digging in the rubble alongside those men. It sounds weird, crazy, I know. I want to be the person who when you see me coming at you in an emergency, you immediately feel relieved and think "help is here. It's going to be ok." I am so pumped to do this job, it's amazing! I am so excited for what is in store for me! I am going to do amazing things! My tears turned to a weird kind of energy. My sadness and that feeling of being lost turned into something bigger than me and, strangely enough, gave me some hope.

Second, I was convicted. I have been so, so, so very ungrateful (SO ungrateful). Watching this film pointed out how much I have to be grateful for. For example, I counted out my close friends, and it took two hands.

TWO HANDS!!! I have two hands of people I can count on, and that doesn't even include my family!

How friggin' blessed am I???

So, I write this blog with a renewed passion and an incredibly grateful heart.

What I want to do will be difficult. I will have to give up a lot in order to accomplish my goals. But what I have to give up is nothing compared to what has been taken from those who have made it possible for me to meet my goals.

Right now, I have Freedom (of speech, of religion). I can go to school. I have an incredible family. I have amazing friends. I have a job. I have a place to live. I have food to eat. I get to sleep in a comfy bed. I have clothes and "things". I have a car. My friends and family are alive and well. I am alive and well. What an incredible, amazing, astounding wealth I have.


I want to say a big THANK YOU to my friends and family.

THANK YOU!!!!

In my moments of doubt and uncertainty, when I'm up and when I'm down, when I'm in a loud mood or a quiet one, when I'm feeling ignored or unimportant, when I need help, when I need someone to listen, when I need a good talking to, when I'm cranky, when I'm angry, when I'm sad, when all I do is whine and complain, when I need to laugh. Thank you for being there. I will *always* be there for you. I want to become a fire medic for me, but also for you. I want to be the one who you call when you need something. And if you need something, I want to be sure that you get it. I want you to be able to count on me when you need it the most.

I love you. You know who you are and if you don't, well then we need to talk! Haha!

Now that I'm emotionally as well as physically exhausted, it's time for me to go to bed!

OOOOOkaaaayyyy:

So, I realize this morning my blog last night was rather melodramatic. Thank God that passed! It's a prime example of the emotional funk, though. Lucky for me, I'm out of the emotional funk until next weekend! Who knows, maybe I'll be able to keep the emotional funk from coming back.

Christy and I are going on a "self-help book shopping" date following one of our "kick our own asses at the gym" dates. We figure it's cheaper than therapy.

So I was buying groceries at Stater Bros for Alice and Peggy and the checker made a comment to me that brightened my day. She said "So, who ARE these for? You don't look like and Ensure girl." Made me bust a seam I laughed so hard. I said "They're for Alice Cooper. I've got a few more years before I'm an ensure girl. The Top Ramen is more my speed (dude! $0.20 a package!!)". She laughed, I laughed, the 10 year old kid behind me in line buying two gallons of milk laughed. Jolly good time. Turns out she knows Alice, too. Small world.

I have decided that I'm ridiculously social. I need at least a few hours every day of interaction with people who aren't under 5 years of age or over 90. Another example of why Fire Medic will be an awesome job for me.

Ok, back to laundry and dishes. I just wanted to make sure anyone who reads my blog knows that the last entry was a temporary insanity type of thing. Things always look worse at night, right?

Tonight, I want to be alone:

I actually turned off my phone and logged out of Facebook and gmail chat. Alice is sleeping. I think I'm really alone now.

Ever in the mood for poetry? I rarely am, but tonight, I'm craving it. I seriously googled "lonely poem" and this is one of the ones I found:

Maya Angelou - Alone

Lying, thinking
Last night
How to find my soul a home
Where water is not thirsty
And bread loaf is not stone
I came up with one thing
And I don't believe I'm wrong
That nobody,
But nobody
Can make it out here alone.

 Alone, all alone
Nobody, but nobody
Can make it out here alone.

There are some millionaires
With money they can't use
Their wives run round like banshees
Their children sing the blues
They've got expensive doctors
To cure their hearts of stone.
But nobody
No, nobody
Can make it out here alone.

Alone, all alone
Nobody, but nobody
Can make it out here alone.

 Now if you listen closely
I'll tell you what I know
Storm clouds are gathering
The wind is gonna blow
The race of man is suffering
And I can hear the moan,
'Cause nobody,
But nobody
Can make it out here alone.

Alone, all alone
Nobody, but nobody
Can make it out here alone.

So true. No man is an island, right?

I am so blessed to have the support system that I do. My family and friends are wonderful. We may not always like each other, but we will always love each other.

I've been in an emotional funk, lately. Not on the outside, of course. You get pretty good at hiding it. Fake it 'til you make it and all that. It's exhausting, but it helps the world continue to turn. I really only notice it when I'm alone. Work, school, the gym, being with friends, have all become blessings simply because I'm not left alone with my thoughts. It doesn't matter what I'm doing, as long as I'm doing something other than thinking.

When I'm alone, doubts swirl around me, threatening to end me. It's a crushing kind of feeling. Like being kicked when you're down.

What if I chose the wrong career? God knows I've made plenty of bad decisions on my way to where I'm at. What if I'm doing it all wrong? What if I'm never actually happy? What if I always feel like I'm treading water? What if I never get to actually live life???

Most of the time, I run away (really, really fast) from these thoughts. Tonight, I kind of want to dwell on them. Soak them in. Let them wash over me. I'm not quite sure why, either.

Well, now that I've let myself marinate in those thoughts, it's time for me to pull myself out of them.

If I chose the wrong career, there's still time to find the right one. However, I don't think I chose the wrong career. Doubt tells me I might have, but I know better. I really was made for this job. I love the adrenaline rush, I love to be the calm in a crisis. I love working with people and being able to help people. I have charisma and have the uncanny ability to put people at ease.

If I'm doing it all wrong, there's time to do it right. No regrets, just learning opportunities.

I may not be happy right now, but I will be someday. I have never been one to choose the easy way. And when you always take the hard road, you're not always going to be happy. But the reward is that much sweeter.

Treading water still means I'm hanging on. I will eventually get my head above water. I am not alone in this, either. I just need to throw a hand out and call for help when I feel like I can't make it.

Whether I like it or not, I am living life. Right now. It may not be what I had in mind originally, but life is happening all around me.

I'll end this on a happier note.

John Keats - To Hope:

When by my solitary hearth I sit,
When no fair dreams before my “mind’s eye” flit,
And the bare heath of life presents no bloom;
Sweet Hope, ethereal balm upon me shed,
And wave thy silver pinions o’er my head.

Whene’er I wander, at the fall of night,
Where woven boughs shut out the moon’s bright ray,
Should sad Despondency my musings fright,
And frown, to drive fair Cheerfulness away,
Peep with the moon-beams through the leafy roof,
And keep that fiend Despondence far aloof.

Should Disappointment, parent of Despair,
Strive for her son to seize my careless heart;
When, like a cloud, he sits upon the air,
Preparing on his spell-bound prey to dart:
Chase him away, sweet Hope, with visage bright,
And fright him as the morning frightens night!

Whene’er the fate of those I hold most dear
Tells to my fearful breast a tale of sorrow,
O bright-eyed Hope, my morbid fancy cheer;
Let me awhile thy sweetest comforts borrow:
Thy heaven-born radiance around me shed,
And wave thy silver pinions o’er my head!

Should e’er unhappy love my bosom pain,
From cruel parents, or relentless fair;
O let me think it is not quite in vain
To sigh out sonnets to the midnight air!
Sweet Hope, ethereal balm upon me shed,
And wave thy silver pinions o’er my head!

In the long vista of the years to roll,
Let me not see our country’s honour fade:
O let me see our land retain her soul,
Her pride, her freedom; and not freedom’s shade.
From thy bright eyes unusual brightness shed—
Beneath thy pinions canopy my head!

Let me not see the patriot’s high bequest,
Great Liberty! how great in plain attire!
With the base purple of a court oppress’d,
Bowing her head, and ready to expire:
But let me see thee stoop from heaven on wings
That fill the skies with silver glitterings!

And as, in sparkling majesty, a star
Gilds the bright summit of some gloomy cloud;
Brightening the half veil’d face of heaven afar:
So, when dark thoughts my boding spirit shroud,
Sweet Hope, celestial influence round me shed,
Waving thy silver pinions o’er my head. 

Hope, Peace and Love. It's what everyone wants (myself included). Well, that and a really nice jacuzzi and 6 weeks paid vacation. ;-)

Random thoughts and contemplations:

Ok, question.

Is there an actual name for the game guys play (well, I guess girls play it, too) where they lead a girl (or guy) on by using terms of endearment and indications of a future together?

Because I've just been calling it The Game.

I'm witnessing this game being played all around me. I am even a player in this game. Sometimes I feel like I'm being lead on, sometimes I fel like I'm doing the leading. It's a confusing, horrible, mean game. It toys with peoples emotions and it only leads to bitterness and hurt feelings. Why do we play this stupid game??? I HATE this game. All I do is second guess myself and read into EVERYTHING. Every little interaction gets dissected and blown up. At least, it does when I'm the poor sucker being lead on. Unfortunately, this seems to happen more than I'd like. No wonder I have trust issues. I'm convinced every guy I meet is a liar at heart. No matter how nice they seem, no one is an option for a relationship. Friends, maybe, but nothing more. Hopefully, someone will prove me wrong. I guess I'm in a cynical mood tonight.

(side note: I paused the writing of this blog to do a poorly choreographed mini dance to "This I Gotta See" by Jason Aldean)

Tuesday was a rough day for me. I felt like I was having a panic attack internally. It was difficult to take deep breaths. I had trouble figuring out what was wrong, but eventually I came to the conclusion that I was feeling the pressure of life. Work, school, relationships, money. It was all coming at me at once. A shock-and-awe mentally and emotionally. I have a lot I need to get done in order to get a job on an ambulance. I had a test Tuesday night I was so not prepared for. Money is pretty much always an issue. And, well, as for relationships, lets just be vague about this one. It's definitely another pressure, though.

Wednesday I had a kick-ass workout and I'm pretty sure it beat a lot of the stress out of me. And then whatever stress was left was replaced with happiness due to the fun night with some EMT 106 buddies. I didn't realize how much I missed seeing everyone, but I did. It was good to catch up and have some pressure free interaction that didn't involve studying (or pretending to).

Today has been a good day. Still feeling some pressure, but at least breathing was easy. Now that I've got some free time (IE alone time), I have to stop myself from over thinking things. I tend to over think rather frequently. It gets me in trouble. Lots of trouble. That's why it's good to have friends that will be sounding boards. I tell them about whatever crazy thought I'm having and they talk some sense into me. It's a blessing to have friends willing to do that. I'm sure it gets annoying. I enjoy being other peoples sounding board, though. I get to play therapist for a conversation or two.

Still trying to get over the idea that I need a significant other. I would like one, but I don't need one. It's just nice to have a someone. Problem is, this is going to be one of the busiest times of my life (when I get a job, that is). Work will take over. I will be constantly studying. And once I'm in the paramedic program, well forget it! Unless they're in the program with me, a relationship just isn't happening. My EMT teacher told our class that a lot of marriages and relationships end in that program. I suppose I'm getting ahead of myself by denying myself the pleasure of a relationship simply because I think I know it won't last. I don't know that.

*sigh*

I'm going to take Grace's advice here and just go with the flow. My problem is I try to force things to happen. I need to stop pushing and just go along for the ride. What happens, happens. Right?