Constantly Searching:

Is there a reason that life feels like a constant maze? I feel like something is always missing and I'm always looking for it.

Or perhaps treading water is a better metaphor. I'm not getting anywhere, just barely able to stay afloat. And sometimes, my head goes under.

I'm stressed out. Below, find a brief summary as to why:

I find out tomorrow if Edward has canine diabetes. I'm pretty worried about that. If he does have it, he'll probably need insulin for the rest of his life. That can get expensive, but after price checking insulin, I should be able to afford it. I'm worried that if it isn't diabetes, it's a liver or kidney problem. Now, I'm a poor, poor college student. If he has a serious medical issue, I'm going to have to put him down. And that realization sucks. But I'm not going to get a head of myself. Nothing is confirmed as of yet.

And then there's the whole tell-your-clients-you-need-to-find-a-new-job thing. I'm not ready for the emotional drama that is sure to go down.

Oh, and not to mention the I-haven't-done-what-I-need-to-do-to-get-a-new-job thing! So many things to do, so little time.

Lets not forget about the whole I-enjoy-social-interaction-but-need-more-friends thing. Truthfully, I don't need more friends, I just need more time to hang out with the ones I have!

And I can't ignore the fact that the financial aid I was counting on to pay off my debt, well that fell through. I don't know what to do about that one.

But wait! There's more! I've got it in my head that I need a boyfriend even though I know this is the last thing I need. And I've been flirting with disaster in the form of a man-friend for a few weeks and I don't have a good feeling about this. My head is telling me no, no, no but my body is saying yes, yes, yes. It's a long, complicated, drawn out story. My gut is telling me it will not end nicely. He doesn't respect my values and morals, which is the main problem... Sheesh...

And in this whole mess that is my life, I have stopped consulting the only one I really need to consult: God. Maybe that's the reason for the constantly searching feeling. It always seems to come back to Him, doesn't it?

Having thought about it, I know what I need to do. I know all the answers and the right thing to do. I just need the courage to do them.

Lord, please give me the strength and courage to face my problems head on. Give me the words to say and the knowledge I need.

John 14:27 "Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid."

This scripture is tattooed on my back, but I think I forget about it sometimes. It's what I tend to fall back on when I need reassurance...

Alrighty, enough babbling and incomplete sentences/paragraphs. Time to get ready for school!

Moment of Weakness:

A friend of mine gave me her dads number and had me call him to talk about "Firefighter stuff". I finally connected with him today and he answered some of my questions and gave me a few tips and some ideas on where to go next.

One of his suggestions was that I call a friend of his, who is a female Firefighter Paramedic, to get an idea of what to expect and to hear about what she went through and how it was for her. I called the number he gave me for the station and spoke to a man who was a little short with me and said that he couldn't give me her information because he didn't know me. So I called my friends dad and asked him to put in a call for me. He did and I now have the correct contact info.

However, when I hung up the phone, I just felt like crying. All my doubt started flooding to the surface. Would I be strong enough physically, emotionally, mentally? Could I even do this? And I gave in to them. I let myself cry. I let my doubts circle me and taunt me. I sat and sulked for about 10 minutes. Then, I noticed that James was online. I sent him an instant message basically saying that I didn't think I could do this. He spent the next hour or so pulling me out of my funk and back up to the surface. The gist of the conversation was that I have the ability to do anything, I just need the mentality. It's all in my head. And, as James pointed out, I didn't choose to do this because I thought it would be easy. I've known all along that this will be a long, difficult journey.

I texted a fellow EMT and asked him if he ever had doubts about his abilities. He said "Why doubt yourself? If you ever think you can't, just know there is always some sort of training to make it so you can. It's going to be hard. It's going to be demanding. But what's a little work to get what you want? This is the rest of your life we're talking about." Well, I cleaned it up a bit and made it "flow" better, but that's essentially what he said.

It got me thinking. Sure, I didn't know I wanted to do this until about 8 months ago, but that doesn't mean I don't know what I want to do now. I began to think about my build, physically. I am not a dainty flower. I am taller and stronger than most women. With some conditioning, I can do this job and I can do it well. My personality will fit perfectly with this job. I was made to do this.

I CAN do this. I can.

I need to get my head in the game.

I need to get my body in the game, too.

And right now, I need to go get ready to crash my first fire class!

Finally:

It's funny how God works sometimes. I mean, I know that I try to push Him out of control and take the reins and I also know that it never works out well when I do that.

So last night, I finally, really relinquished control of my career dilema to Him. I prayed about it, wrote about it and went to bed. I wake up this morning, go about my normal routine and then check my email. I had an email (finally) from the assistant to the director of the Fire Academy and she said she'd recommend crashing the full fire classes, then she gave me a list of classes that would be benefitial for the academy. She also offered to meet with me and discuss some of the different options and programs Palomar offers. Woo!!! Finally, some direction!

This is just another example of why I really should "let go and let God" sooner rather than later.

Now it's off to shower, meet with the assistant, work and then study for the National Registry test.

Insert Clever Title [Here]:

So many questions, so little time.

My plan for the past few weeks has been this:
1) Get in shape for Fall '10 fire academy
2) Pay off debt using Pell Grant to make living expenses less expensive
3) Crash 3 fire classes Spring '10 and 2 fire classes Summer '10 in preparation for fire academy
4) Continue working as a nanny/caregiver and volunteer a few days a week if possible at a fire station
5) Complete fire academy, get hired in SD County.
6) Go to Palomar's Paramedic program
7) Complete paramedic program, work as a FF Paramedic

Now, after having spoken to a few people and having lost the Pell Grant, I don't know what to do! I'm hearing "Fire Academy first, then medic program" in one ear and in the other I'm hearing "Medic program first, then Fire Academy" and I have no idea what is best!!!! I've put in some emails to the Fire Academy instructors, but only one has emailed me back and he was less than helpful. I suppose I'm going to have to start stalking the FF Paramedics in SD County now. Maybe someone will help me out and give me some advice.

Maybe the problem is that my plan is exactly that: MY plan. I really haven't prayed about this at all. This occurred to me last night while I was trying to go to bed. So, I prayed last night for some direction. I feel like that's one step towards where I need to be.

On another note, while googling "How to become a firefighter" (because I'm not joking about having questions that need answers!), I stumbled upon a blog by a woman named Athena who is 30 years old, has 4 kids and is currently training to become a firefighter! She has been documenting her journey through blogs and some vlogs and it's been the most helpful and inspiring thing I've found yet! I sent her a message on facebook (her blog had a link) and I added her. After reading some of her blogs last night, I was feeling really inspired and I couldn't sleep, I was so jazzed. She has posted some of her workouts, too, which I'd like to try to do.

I'm no where near where I need to be physically, but I'm working on it. I went through a modified circuit of what Jake took me through on Wednesday last week. It was moderately difficult, but I know I need to push myself harder. I did 5 sets of: 10 push-ups, 6 "Jump Squats", 30 crunches (or 10 seconds of scissor kicks), 30 seconds of jumping jacks (or pretend jumping rope) and then I went on a 15 minute walk and did 10 lunges on each leg, followed by a reverse push-up chaser (10). Like I said, I know I can push myself harder, but I'm pleased at what I got done today. Now, all I need to do is focus on what I eat.

My National Registry test is on Thursday. I'm planning on studying whenever I'm not working, sleeping or exercising. Haha, I could probably even stidy while I work-out, but one of the trainers told me when I work out, I need to be focused on working out, not on other things. So, we'll see how long it takes me to turn working out into a release instead of something I have to do. :-)

I'm Feeling Good:

Last night, there was a mixup at the gym and my regular trainer (Jered) wasn't there. So the kid (Jake. Well, he's 21, so maybe he's not a kid and I'm just sensitive to age differences) who signed me up intially worked me out.

He got super excited as we were setting up the raquetball room for circuit training and that's when I began to get worried. He kept going "Yaaaaay!" and then he broke out the jump rope and the upside-down Bose ball. In short, best workout ever!!!! That was probably the hardest 15 minutes of my life, but it's exactly what I need to get in shape for the academy. It's too bad Jake doesn't normally do training, because I'd probably switch trainers in a heartbeat if he did.

Something amazing happened after my workout. I let go of some things I'd been holding on to. I feel like this heavy, crushing feeling is gone. I'm light as a feather and happy, too!

My dad is full of what I like to call One Liner Jewels of Wisdom. Some are original, some are not. One of them is Attitude determines altitude. So, by choosing to be happy, I become happy.

Now, I get to go to Guajome with Christy and run through a small circuit of my own creation. :-)

2010

What are we calling this year? Twenty-ten? Two thousand and ten?


With the start of this new year, I think I would like to change the name of this current blog. "It's reality" just isn't doing it for me anymore. So, I'll get even more original and cal it "Honestly".
2010 is going to be different. One of my words for the year is going to be "Honesty". Enough of living beyond my means, enough of talking myself into relationships I know aren't good for me, enough of pretending I am always ok. It's time to get honest.

Honestly, I am scared to death of finding a new job. I am scared to death of the fire academy and the paramedic program. I don't know if I am brave enough or good enough to be an EMT or a fire fighter or a paramedic.

Honestly, I feel like I'll never be physically fit. I know it doesn't happen over night, but for goodness sakes! It's been 22 years!!

Honestly, I've been single for so long, I don't even know how to be in a romantic relationship! And if I get into the academy and/or the medic program, I'm not going to have any time to learn how to be in one.

Honestly, I've wandered so far from God, I don't know how to find my way back.

Honestly, I don't know how to handle my own money successfully.

Honestly, I bought a guitar and don't think I am dedicated enough to learn to play it!

Honestly, I don't feel like I "belong" anywhere. I'm just here. I just exist. The need to belong is paralyzing.

Well, that was a very honest look at my life. I think it's time to start back at the basics. For me, it begins and ends with God. I'm going to have to go way back to the first real comfort I found in God in my adult life.

John 14:27 - Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.

 I'm done living my life based on fear and inadequacy. It didn't help me much in 2009 (or the rest of my life, for that matter) so it has no place in 2010.

And that's the honest truth.


Bahahahaha! I couldn't resist! I've always wanted a signature sign-off.

Delayed Gratification:

I realized something last night while laying in bed. I really don't do well with delayed gratification. Everytime I want something, I go out and get it. Doesn't matter if it's big or little, I do it on an impulse.

That got me thinking... Maybe I need to work on curbing my instant gratification addiction and move on to delayed gratification. You know, wait a day or two instead of acting immediately.

Just a thought I had. :-)  Now I'm off to take a bike ride with my brother.